Would you be ok with being celibate 56?

[TimeForWineAndSun]

DH and me always have had mismatched sex drives. Mine average. His low. I am now 56 and he’s 53. Sex has now ground to a halt. I’m obviously unhappy with that but menopause has meant that I can live with it (just). But I do miss it! Is 56 an ok age to just hang up my boots?

Not if you are both happy with that.
I can’t really answer as I’m around ten years younger, I wouldn’t be happy now but maybe by the time I’m your age I will be.

I'm happily celibate at almost 50. I just don't want the hassle that comes with it, even a FWB arrangement would require a degree effort. But it's not about any of us.

41 here. Not interested at all, can’t see it happening again.

I think the flippant advice of ‘take a lover’ is irresponsible and ill-advised. I was on the receiving end of my DP ‘taking a lover’ just last year and it absolutely devastated me and permanently destroyed our eleven-year relationship.

Could it be that a lack of sex, ultimately, destroyed the relationship?

Not a chance. I left at 40 for this reason and haven't regretted it. Sex had always been a problem in that relationship though.

Its ok if its ok with you. Only you know. But it sounds like it actually isn't ok which is difficult.

It certainly was a contributory factor, I was always the one with the higher sex drive so it was all the more difficult to accept the justification for the affair when I was told ‘it was just sex’.

I suppose it depends on whether your DP took a lover because there was no sex, or just a bit less than they would have liked.

You only get one life, so it really matters that you live it in a way that feels right for you, not just what someone else wants. You’ve already said you’re unhappy and that you miss it. For a lot of people, it is an important part of feeling connected and fulfilled.

So it is worth asking yourself why you are putting that part of your life aside for someone else. If it matters to you, be honest about it. That might mean having an open conversation and finding something that works for both of you, or it might mean accepting that you want different things and choosing to move on.
At the end of the day, you deserve a life that actually makes you feel happy and satisfied.

As I said, you only get one life.

Yeah it wouldn’t bother me.

Only if you both want y be celibate but I thought the point of marriage was you weren't? I am approaching 59 and would be devastated if I thought I had less than a decade left! I have no intention of stopping and I hope DH doesn't either.

59 and 65, both not interested in sex any more and have a very loving 40yr marriage.

Well it was pretty much non-existent in the last couple of years, despite my best efforts. I genuinely think she had just lost interest in sex, until a guy at her work fourteen years older than her and who had only been married himself for two years somehow managed to talk her into bed (well not bed in fact, but the back seat of his car in the car park of the local municipal crematorium and cemetery! Classy eh?)

I do know. But it's doable now. If you were younger my answer would be different.

53 and 63 here, nothing for two years and that is fine by me, he hasn't said anything. Maybe I will come home one day to a letter on the mantelpiece though 😢

That would never work for me. But I’m not you. So I wonder what you’re looking for by asking the question. Is it to help your acceptance or hear how it works for others?
Only you can decide if the life you have is the one you want.

If you get on great, love each other and wouldn't split over this then for sure it's worth working out how to improve thins on the sex front. Him getting checked out and you both getting healthy together is definitely part of that. Wellness checks, hormone checks, exercise, etc. Approach it from a position of positivity about why you both deserve to take care of yourselves as individuals and as a couple, don't let pressure for sex get in the way of these first steps.

We're both late,late 50's and our sex drives have always matched so very lucky, however becoming celibate would be a huge hell no for me!
I would never ever leave DH but I would tell him that I would have a FWB situation and let him make his own choice.

I haven’t had any action for five years and haven’t made much effort to seek any. What’s another decade or so?

This is basically me. No interest in sex but also no interest in dating so luckily nobody else is impacted. Makes it easier.

Yeah I have been celibate since 2012 and am sixty now. I don’t miss it at all or ever think about it.

It can get difficult cant it! We met when I was 39 and he 44. Like bloody rabbits. At 50 meno hit me. It severely lagged. I picked up the pace...just as his declined. Tested. Low testosterone. He now has gel. But tbh its few and far between. We go a few weeks without and I can feel my irritation rising. It causes arguments. And it makes me a bit sad as we are better with it in our lives. Its an ever repeating circle every month or so. And its such a shame as we both really enjoy it when we do finally find the time. I wouldnt go elsewhere. And I dont believe he would either. But I do find it hard to believe it won't ever happen again and I would be a bit mad if we got to that point. Probably same with you...more conversations need had here to discuss it.

I ended up celibate ( but married ) at about 42, for a variety of reasons, none of which I am entirely happy about. I have had to accept that those days are probably behind me, I do miss it though.

I'm 56 OP, left my sexless marriage a couple of years ago. Wasn't just the lack of sex, we had completely grown apart. We met too young perhaps. Together 30 years

Anyway met a lovely man my age who had come out of a similar situation and honestly we are both having the best sex of our lives. It's like we are teenagers again. Been together 18 months and shows no signs of slowing down, I think perhaps because we don't live together.

there have been times in 35 years together when we have had pauses for several months; illness and we had children later in life I was 44 and DP 50. In recent years we plan sex late afternoon, once.a week, have bath, put lingerie on, get out the vibrator and it has been great - then settle back to a nice dinner at home. We are now 69 and 75. I think you need to have a chat about it and work out a rhythm that satisfies you both. Not being spontaneous doesn't mean you don't enjoy.