Would you be ok with being celibate 56?

[TimeForWineAndSun]

DH and me always have had mismatched sex drives. Mine average. His low. I am now 56 and he’s 53. Sex has now ground to a halt. I’m obviously unhappy with that but menopause has meant that I can live with it (just). But I do miss it! Is 56 an ok age to just hang up my boots?

Id not be happy TBH. But if frequency was too low id use a vibrator in between but no sex at all would be rough. I'm mid 50s

My husband has always had a low sex drive and it stopped about 15 years ago . It clashed with menopause so at the time wasn’t bothered. I then piled on the weight for 10 years. I am now 60 lost 2 stone and feeling more confident but am not attracted to husband anymore…he hasn’t once complimented me on my weight loss and my confidence 😞Can I be bothered to break up marriage and lose security financially?
No we just bumble along and I am learning to accept it now and just feel proud of my willpower loosing weight and feeling healthier.

I'm 47 and haven't had sex for two years; DH had cancer and was too ill for that and he recently died. I miss him, and intimacy, terribly. It's not just about the sex, it's the closeness and connection. I always imagined I'd be having sex until I was 70 or similar, now I think it may never happen again, and no I'm not okay with it. DH didn't give me his blessing to move on with anyone new, but even if he had I only want him. So I guess that's it. But it's nothing compared to what DH has lost.

Nope, I couldn’t move like that. Deal breaker for me

I'm so sorry @Magicpaintbrush , I have been where you are which is why I said the idea of being alone in bed, feeling untouched and unhugged is so hard, I've done it too. I don't want to say it will get better, but things do shift and move over time. The loss of intimacy is so hard.

I have changed a lot how I feel about it all now, I feel like I'm the lucky one, I'm the one alive so I better get on with living, but I didn't feel like that for many years afterwards.

People recommend WAY (widowed and young) although I was a bit old for them and didn't go in the end.

I'm sorry your DH hasn't complimented you, but well done for the weight loss, that's epic!!

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sure your DH would want you to be happy and move on, as hard as that may be. FIL lost MIL, I think he would have been 66 at the time. After a few years, he did dip his toe in the dating scene, and met a wonderful lady. They now live together and have been together about 10 years so far. They have epic adventures together. Everything is possible. It must be so hard though, I'm really sorry.

Two issues here:

First, I wouldn't be happy to be celibate in my 50s and YANBU to want/miss sex.

Second, YABU to dismiss your husband's issues as 'ridiculous'. If he genuinely hasn't ejaculated in a year and has erectile dysfunction he may well have some physical health problems that need looking at.

Has he had his prostate checked? Hormone levels?

I was in a sexless marriage for about 15yrs. I remember crying myself to sleep at night wondering .... is that it? I am officially celibate in my late 30s. However I also didn't get any love in any other way, no hugging or hand holding - just nothing. We got on in every other way, but I couldn't cope with never being touched again for the rest of my days.

I don’t age is relevant. I am celibate at 45 and fine with it. My interest in sex has vanished more or less, don’t like dating and no interest in casual sex. But that’s me. You are entitled to still want a sex life though.

Great response!

He needs to go the Dr for a PSA blood test and internal exam

I had both of these a couple of years ago and had an urgent 2 week cancer referral ( suspected prostate cancer) was referred to a specialist and diagnosed with BPE and but in beta blockers with yearly PSA follow ups

as an aside it made me realise how short life is - last 10 years I had been pretty much been a sexless relationship - I have left this person now and am in a relationship with a woman in her 50’s who sex drive is really strong and I’m the person now struggling to keep up ! ( no pun intended)

life is short- don’t compromise too quickly- push him to get some health tests and go from there

Regardless of what other people think @TimeForWineAndSun , it sounds as though you are not ready to hang up your boots and that is all that matters here.

I don't know what the solution is, or even if there can be a satisfactory solution but it certainly warrants a proper conversation with your DH about how you are feeling. It also sounds like a health check for your DH would be in order, in case there are any physical issues that might need treatment and / or fix his issues.

It’s a very individual choice. I gave it all up at around 53/54 and don’t miss it at all. I am voluntarily single now though so that makes my decision a lot easier, as no one else is impacted. I liked sex for most of my adult life then just lost my appetite for it and never want to regain it.

Celibate 7 years since 45.
Each to their own.

What others find acceptable is irrelevant, what is important is what you need and want in your relationship.

I know lots of people in marriages that have gone sexless, it’s very common. Men who can’t get it up, women with dryness issues, loss of interest, and also not attracted to each other. I think the fact that you are bringing it up at all, means that you have still got some interest. Your husband on holiday attended to your needs.. thats promising. Maybe that could be the way forward? To use wlw language, he might be a Stone top to your pillow princess. A new approach.

How is his health and how is your relationship in general?

I’m 55 and have been celibate since I was 30 so I’m fine with it personally

I definitely wouldn't blow up an otherwise good life because of a lack of sex at that age no, just how I would feel.

How is the rest of the relationship? How would you feel if you left the relationship because of this then your own libido disappeared completely in a couple of years time?

Thanks all. The rest of the relationship is good. We love each other, get on great, have fantastic holidays etc. My interest has definitely waned of late. I wouldn't leave because of it. It just all feels a bit premature for me though. I thought it might happen 10 years later than this! We both have weight to lose, which I think might help. Our shift patterns don't help either - sometimes I'm just getting up as he's coming to bed!

I’m 35 (34 weeks pregnant and still horny) so not the same age but I can’t imagine being celibate!

mismatched sex drive is brutal

Ooft, no, I wouldn’t be happy with that. Thankfully, neither would my partner. I hope we’re shagging for many years to come - albeit at a slower pace, lol. I’m early 50s, he’s early 60s. If both parties are happy then whatever the frequency is fine. It’s if it’s mismatched the problems start.

I am 45 and love sex, DH and me don’t have it as much as I I would like. At the moment, I wouldn’t want to be celibate.

Nope. I’m 52 in menopause and love sex. Everyone is different.

The trouble is you’re going to get replies from people who can’t imagine life without sex and people (like me) who aren’t remotely bothered about sex (despite being very keen when I was in my 20s). There’s no normal. It only matters what matters to you. There are people still wanting and having sex in their 80s and people in their 20s who never want to have sex.