To be sceptical about the reasons a carer wants to adopt my adult disabled brother?

[EasyEV]

Hello, I have added this question here as I can't find a carer topic.

My brother is 49 and mentally disabled. He lives on the other side of the country with a Shared Lives carer. He has been with her for 2.5 years. Before that he lived with our father until Dad passed away.

She gives good care and our brother is happy. However, she is a forceful lady and can be difficult to communicate and work with. However, we always put our ego to one side and think about the bigger picture for our brother's sake. Shared Lives even tried to deregister her about 9 months ago due to her attitude to meeting their guidelines and processes. It was more about red tape than her care of our brother.

She won on appeal and is on probation whilst they ensure she meets the CQC requirements on training etc.

We have our brother for a week at the moment. We aren't officially respite for the carer, as we just want to see him at our home and spoil him a bit. He he told us that the carer has asked to legally adopt him. He is very easily manipulated and as he is with her 24/7, she could easily bend to her will. She has already alienated him from one sister because she doesn't like the sister.

This is freaking us all out. He is our brother. I don't trust the carers reasoning for wanting to adopt him. I think it is because all his siblings keep a close eye on him and her personality means she doesn't like that oversight. I also feel guilty as we are not prepared to look after him 24/7. We probably have him for about 3 weeks a year across the year.

We don't have an LPA but could set one up, but I am not sure that would protect us/him? Am I being unreasonable in my attitude to this?

I don’t know enough about how that type of care works but is there no one else who could look after him instead? Think I would be looking to get him out of her influence. What were her reasons for wanting to adopt him?

You can't legally adopt an adult in the UK.

You can’t adopt an adult.

Firstly, you can't adopt an adult.

Secondly, she wants to care for your brother whereas presumably you don't want to?

Does he own where he lives, have plenty of money in the bank..?

Thanks for this as I was just about to ask if adopting an adult was possible

That isn’t what the op is asking though.

edit - posted before original post was edited.

Can you request a change of carer for him?
Can you legally adopt an adult?

It sounds like there's a lot going on with the carer, but spannasaurus is right, adoption is only legally possible for under 18s in the UK.

You can’t adopt an adult in the UK
you can’t set up an LPA unless the donor has capacity to do so
theres alternatives which require approval from the court of protection, why not speak to his social worker. Bear in mind if you disrupt his care arrangements this might not be in his best interests as you don’t intend to offer full time care

Does she want to be his legal guardian?
Her care doesn’t sound good as she is forefinger, diffuse to communicate and work with and she has alientated him form one sister. These aspects are part of caring and she really doesn’t sound professional.

This link will give you some ideas https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/looking-after-people/managing-affairs-for-someone-else/

I think I would put a formal complaint in. Even with the best of intentions, she’s massively overstepping here and clearly has become very close to your brother. I would be asking for a different carer going forwards as you are concerned about his wellbeing.

I would be concerned about her intentions. Even if not possible to adopt him, what if she then suggests she marries him? Is this a way to get to any assets he has?

What is in it for someone to want to adopt a middle aged person? It clearly isn’t for his benefit, so it must be for hers - money is the obvious reason.

Is she after his inheritance or gaining access to any discretionary trust he has?

Sadly, I think this is a safeguarding concern and he needs a new care arrangement. I'm surprised that he's still with her after alienating him from a sister.

I think she is massively overstepping the boundaries. It could well be in your brothers’ best interests to remain friends with her but I would pursue that complaint with a view to him living elsewhere, personally.

What the family does or doesn’t do makes zero difference as to whether she is a good person to care for him or not.

Thank you for your quick replies. The fact adult adoption is not legal in the UK is a massive relief. Our brother has no money, not is own property. However, Shared Lives carers receive about £600/week in total. Adult Social Services / Shared Lives ideally want to remove our brother from her care, but it is because a) she is not fulfilling CQC rules and b) she is very difficult to manage.

She doesn't want to lose the money. She is self employed and it is her income. She earns every penny. Our brother is hard work. So no we do not want to take on his care. We only want to oversee his care. I know this is wanting your cake and eat it.

Swallowing your ego is hard, but we do it. We check ourselves to ensure we only do / say things that are for our brother's best interest. She breaks data protection, she stops him from seeing family who want to see him. He used to want to see them but she has manipulated him into not wanting to see her. I don't believe it. I could have complained then, but didn't because I wanted him to have continuity of care.

Finding a new carer is not easy. He could end up in an old people's care home miles away from him day care centres etc. It would be an institution rather than a home environment.

The siblings regularly talk about how much we think we should allow to slip and take a pragmatic approach.

I think this is very difficult because the question you need to be asking isn't "is this woman an ideal carer?" (she clearly isn't) but "what is the best realistic outcome for my brother in this situation?".

Not many people are putting their hands up to look after older adults with learning disabilities, so what will happen if you force the breakdown of his placement with her? None of you want to look after him and he's living with someone he likes and who looks after him well. This counts for a lot as the alternative could be residential care, which I find difficult to believe would be in your brother's best interests even given how difficult she is. There is a significant risk of neglect and abuse in those settings.

I think you need to think about some fair and realistic red lines for your family. Being part of the Shared Lives scheme gives some protection and oversight and you are having contact with your brother. I think it would be fair to say that if either of those things change, you could make a complaint with a view to him moving elsewhere. Personally I wouldn't do that at this point however.

You can't adopt an adult.
It's very concerning that she has alienated him from a sister because she doesn't like her. I'd be fighting with social services to get him moved. She sounds awful from your post and it sounds like there SS already have serious concerns about her.

It is impossible to adopt a person over 18 in the UK. I'm a foster carer and wanted to adopt a DC we fostered long term. I wS not allowed to adopt him because his care order said long term adoption and both his biological parents objected to him being adopted. He lived with me from 5 years old. He still lives with me at almost 20. When he was 18 we tried again to adopt him because he wants to be officially part of our family but we were told it's impossible to adopt a person over 18 in the UK. Some other countries do allow it though.

When was his last review by the local authority. Have you seen it? how have the issues you have raised here been addressed in the review.
Who manages his finances?
How does DB present in himself, is he generally happy compared to when he was in dads care? can he express how he feels about the carer.
Have you addressed involvement in his care with the local authority? They should be involving family in the reviews as standard practice.

Oh that’s so difficult. She does sound the wrong person to be doing this difficult work. But I can also see that, in a dysfunctional way, he is also important to her; she’s not the only person relying financially on the people she houses.

It sounds as if your brother must have a social worker as well. Have they got any ideas to try and broaden his activities at all, to be around other people more?

Is your brother happy?
Is he safe?
Does he want to move?

It's such a small amount of money for the level of work involved, I can't imagine there's a queue of better people lined up to take over.

I'm also a Shared Lives Carer. We had to do I think it was 26 training courses to be a Shared Lives Carer and that is on top of the many traing courses we have to do to be foster carers. We did them all so the DC we fostered from 5 didn't have to move to a new placement at 18. Also Shared Lives very much looks to build independence in the people under their care. They are also very hot on carers being up to date with training.

This feels a bit off

Has anyone seen that documentary ‘Tell them you love me’ I think it’s called? Reminds me a bit of that