Support with household organisation and ADHD burnout rather than a cleaner?

[cinemapop]

I am diagnosed ADHD. Diagnosed around 10 years ago. I tried medications, but with some other health problems, they affected my heart rate too much for me to be allowed to continue. I figured some techniques for getting by. I tried fly lady which lead to bullet journalling, which worked for a while. But in recent years, when peri and menapause its gotten to the point im no longer managing.

I work from home in a demanding target driven role. I work condensed hours mon-thurs but then over time every friday, and usually a few hours on the weekend. Reducing this is not an option, I have 3 teenage/young adult children to support, old debts that need paying from when i was on a lesser wage but on my own and struggling, and no partner. Their father has not been in the picture for 12 years, i get the base £29 in CMS only. He doesnt see them and never has from the day he walkked out. My kids that can have part time jobs around uni and college. They all live at home still. I earn too much for any government top ups like UC, they get student finance, but being at home and going off my wage, its expected that i contribute to them still. This is all fine, i earn enough to cover everything we need with some luxaries.

I excel in my role. I consistently hit 110%-125% of targets, manage my time and my workload effectively. Nothing goes overdue. I plan my month as a whole with time for putting put aside for unexpected events and catching up with collegues on teams to ensure those workplace relationships exist despite remote working. I can function in work. I love my job. I know the spoon theroy isnt great, but all my spoons go on work. They have to a degree as i need to hit targets for bonuses and i mentor within my department which is why work relationships matter. But its at the expense of anything else.

Everything else however, is on fire.

I have decsion paralysis over everything, literally everything. i cannot decide meals, i cannot decide what to wear so dont change out of legging and tshirts, i cant decide what colour to paint my nails even, i cant decide what to watch, what book to read, every deceison overwhelms and panics me

I have task paralyis/exectutive dysfunction. My home is chaos, theres stuff everywhere, but i phsyically cannot start these tasks, i want to, i want to do them, but i cannot move, i panic and i dont even know what im panicking at. I look at it all day after day, but i cannot start the task. I cant wash my hair, I cant go to the shops. I cant start anything that needs doing.

I have full social burn out, i dont see any one, or talk to anyone. My messages and whats apps have 10s/100s of unread messages. I cant open them. I cant reply. I just cannot face talking to people. I cancel family events all the time, as i spend 2 days planning to trying to get ready for the event, but by the time it comes round im mentally exhausted, ive not slept. Ive not ate, im not ready. I just cant go.

My kids help, they are all old enough to help (16-21), they decide meals to help me, they cook a night each per week so i dont have to do it every day. They will help with some of the tidying. But 2 of them are also diagnosed, which adds to the chaos that is our home.

Ive seen talk of peope hiring PAs. Rather than a cleaner, i feel i need supprt with the management not the cleaning as such. Maybe theres a better term for it. But its the laundry, organising, meals, decision making, moving stuff from surfaces etc. I can free up money from my OT to afford this. Redcuing my OT to do it myself is pointless, as i cant do it. Its not a free time thing, its a completely malfunctioning thing. When i have had AL and been off i sit and do nothing, just list things that need doing over and over in my head, and never start the tasks. I need another person to help me now. My strategies no longer work.

Does this exists?

Does anyone have a similar person to help with similar needs?

How would i go about finding this service?

Boosting this for you op. 💐
I need the same role in my home but have no idea how that could be found

I was a cleaner for an autistic lady who was a legal adviser who had a PA but I don't know how you go about getting one, but they're definitely a thing

This is interesting as my young adult daughter is a bit like this. At the moment I just do everything for her as she is working hard, but I sometimes feel I should be supporting her to manage tasks for herself. It’s things like tidying bedroom, laundry, organising clothes and wardrobe, decluttering and packing ready to move out. She is moving in with her boyfriend soon and I want to help her learn strategies to manage these things for herself instead of me doing them.
I don’t know how to do this though as all of this comes really easily to me and I enjoy cleaning, tidying and organising. At the moment I do sometimes just try to start her off or chat to keep her going.
it sounds like you either need strategies if you want to do it yourself or an actual housekeeper to come and do it all for you. Have you tried The Organised Method (TOM) ?
I am following with interest.

I feel this. High demand role, long school run, 2 tweens. Viscerally don't want a cleaner (embarrassment, not wanting yet another person asking me questions - a few reasons). My kids are with their dad today, and I've done the dishwasher, and put some stuff in pretty jars that me and the youngest bought, but haven't got any further with any of the stuff that needs to be done.

I agree that what I really need is a housekeeper, rather than a cleaner - but how on earth do I find someone like that when I have the blocker of not wanting to wade through who might apply, and even if I find someone, they might suck, or take me for a ride. I get it.

So I've taken small steps. I have robot hoovers upstairs and down. Not perfect (not least because of crap on the floors) - but so much better than it was before.

I have someone come and mow the lawn, so it's not hanging over me. I do also have a robot, but it needs the wire set out (seemingly every few months something went wrong with the wire) and I've not got time, so lawnmower person it is.

Your kids cooking helps a lot (mine are responsible for their own breakfast/lunch term-time. and one dinner each holiday time). I also over-cook when I'm in a good mood so there's plenty of defrostable curry/bolognaise/meatballs/stew in the freezer, and I get breaded chicken/smoked salmon/whatever else is the fashionable snack on a strict rota. Plus takeaway once a week, or if I'm just not managing that day.

Basically that's how I survive. Routines and habits, and hoping for me to be in the right mood to get shit done at the weekend. Oh and subscriptions (who gives a crap, amazon for toothbrush heads and pet food).

I've tried having AI keep track for me, so that I can know and plan what's coming, and it works for a couple of weeks then I'm knocked off again.

My current plan is to throw away more stuff so there's nothing to have to tidy. Buy more boxes, so at least things are in stackable boxes rather than heaps, and give myself some grace, because beating myself up doesn't make it any better either.

Do you have anyone in your orbit who's that type of person who basically holds everyone else together? I have that person, and I know that if I asked, she'd swoop in, organise from her extensive network, and transform stuff, but I'm too stubborn and want to do it myself.

If I was drowning, she's who I would call though.

A mother's help? So rather than a cleaner, someone who will empty the dishwasher, sort out piles of post, clean crap out of the fridge, tidy shoes, put washing away, put washing on, basically go around and see and do the things that need doing. Plus a cleaner every week maybe? Can you afford that?

Basically the cleaner does the actual cleaning and the mother's help does all the tasks that build up that don't get noticed until there is chaos. Ideally the same person but I think those are the two roles you need.

And maybe set up a Tesco delivery and let everyone have access to it to add stuff.

I do this for my adult dd. She works and has ASD and ADHD. I receive carers allowance. I basically organise and oversee her whole life she just has to get ready for work and I drop her off / pick her up .

I book all her medical and dental appts, manage medication, clean, do her laundry, drive her to work etc. prepare all meals. It’s the only way she can manage to have a career.

Oh i have so much on subscription! toilet roll, washing tab, cat food and litter, deodorants, shampoo, coditioner, body wash, hair bobbles, toothpaste and heads, washing up liquids, sponges, gloves surfaces spays, toilet cleaner off the top of my head on monthly to 3 months deliveries so we dont run out.

this sounds exactly it, but i dont know how to go about finding this service. I tried searching PAs and it wasnt showing what i needed, then all could find is home help for the elderly, i even asked chapt gpt and it just showed me cleaners and that isnt what i need.

I think the role is mother’s help/ mother’s helper.

My dm had a brilliant household system when we were young.
From the age of ten, we were responsible for cooking one evening meal a week of our choice- shopping, cooking, and cleaning up (dishes, pots, surfaces and floor swept). We did our own laundry except school uniforms, and were responsible for two chores. As we got older (and probably now you mention it, peri meno was affecting her) we did two days each and the youngest did one. She took over on weekends, washed all the uniforms, did the big shop. We ironed our own uniforms.

We could put the ingredients for our meal on the shopping list, but if we forgot we nipped to the shop ourselves. We could arrange to swop nights among ourselves, or trade chores, even pay a sibling, but it was our responsibility to organise that. We weren’t to involve her. She would hear out a suggested solution, but wasn’t interested in complaints or problems.

It worked fairly well. Not perfectly. Pocket money and being allowed out to play were the back up. For her it wasn’t just about the chores but the responsibility and decisions. She just wanted to never think about cleaning the bathroom (my brother ), vacuuming (me), or mowing (my sister) and was happy to eat anything if she didn’t have to think it up. Needless to tell you we thought we were very hard done by.

All of us siblings are nd, and I think that the clarity of our roles in the house was very helpful. A bit like work really - there was a start and a finish, specific achievable tasks, and consequences.

I’ve been thinking about this recently because in my house, my dc “help” and “tidy” but that is vague, and unclear and still requires me to kickstart. They don’t necessarily notice things by themselves (or care). They look after their own special meals but that can involve taking over the kitchen for ages and using every utensil without any benefit to me.

I wish i had a person like this to help me, but theres no one in my life i can asked for help like that. My own mum is not in the best health, my siblings are younger with younger families.Ive lost all my friends through being terrible at keeping iin contact and have none close enough i could ask now.

I just googled mothers helper and im not sure thats even the right fit, as my kids are all basically adults. They say shared childcare and light house work?

Hi op I’ve seen lots of adverts for ai to sort out a schedule of what gets done when

I think you could put an advert up for a home helper/domestic helper/mother's help and then detail in the advert what you actually want and what the duties will be.

I think as long as you are clear that you want someone to do xyz that would be okay. Or see if you can get a cleaner but that you don't want only cleaning and ask for a quote to cover what you do want?

Do you have a FB group where people put eg looking for a handyman to put up shelves? That might be a useful way to find people. My granny does have a lady who comes once a week and does literally whatever she needs done, whether that is a lift somewhere/shopping/putting stuff away/organising, changes every week dependent on what she needs.

I have similar with my kids now, they each do one meal which they decided plan and prep buy ingrediants for though i pay, all do own laundry, one has the cats but that child wanted them and caring is their responsibility to manage food water and litter tray, monthly worming and flea treatments etc, another does all the bins and makes sure they go out on time, the last, the eldest, has more ND issues than the other 2 and does things as and when as he would be very overwhlemed with more responsibility than one meal and his meal is always easy like pasta or wraps etc.

But, i still need to micro manage all of them, make sure they are up for work, uni and college (one needs a 5 am wake up multiple times a week which adds to my exhaustion), make sure they have keys, make sure they have organised washing at a reasonable time etc. Even giving them tasks, the reposnisiblity for remembering and prompting is on me alot of the time, which i dont always manage myself even with journals and alarms and calendars. I get side tracked by work or something else i cant stop thinking about. The one without a diagnosis (though probably could be diagnosed if we pushed) is the one that does the bins as he is best at remembering but even that is not every week. But additionally he is at uni and works and i dont want to put more on him.

It is very much 4 chaotic adults in one household, and the chaos is out of control.

A scheduale doesnt help, that was my old stratergy and i have complete task paralyis, i know what i need to do i just cannot do it. Its very hard to explain, its like a phsyical wall i cant get over but in my mind. I need another person. The organisation methods i had in my 20s and 30s no longer work. I get that it sounds like laziness, but all my mental energy is taken up organising work, i have no more left for the home. And i cant risk slipping at work, cutting back form of my personal luxuries to pay for home help and staying consistent in my job is the only way i can get on top of it now. May be once its all is organised and kept oon top of for a while, its something i can stop and maintain myself, but at the moniute, im so overwhelmed by what needs t be done, i need a person to help.

A housekeeper might fit the bill

https://www.housekeepercompany.co.uk/

edited as posted too fast

You have nailed the work side of things and it seems to be because you have a formula for success that you stick to but scheduling out your month in advance.

I think applying a bit of the same / getting the kids to do the same might help. E.g. bins and laundry get done at the same time every week, same for any other chores.

The micro managing the kids might need to stop, they need to learn to get their own mechanisms for managing life in place without relying on you.

this is a possibility. I was hoping there was like a job title and agency type place i could go to that just provides the services to take away the difficulties off me arranging it all and finding people etc.

And if there isnt, i reckon providing ADHD/Autism support for ND adults who need this services would be a cracking business plan for someone. I imagine alot of people would use a similar service if it was commonplace as cleaners and easy to access for people.

I think setting some routines / habits and have them set as reminders on everyone’s phones really helps.

In the past I have also had a ‘buddy’ sort of situation (remotely, via a WhatsApp chat), where we each set three goals/things we are going to do that day, then tick it off when done (and respond to encourage the other person to do it).. so one of my goals on one day was ‘spend 15 mins in the spare room sorting out the mess’, and I took a before photo (couldn’t see the floor), and an after photo (marginally more tidied, but couldn’t see most of the floor still!!), but it was a visible improvement, and made me feel good, and I managed to do more rHe next day. It is like body doubling, but obviously the person doesn’t need to be near you.

Use music / tv on an iPad to help you get through boring tasks - I have a shelf on the wall in the utility room, where my iPad sits, and I just work my way through long series while I do the worst jobs…

Also - drop your standards. Maybe slot in aome ready meal days each week. Only have one room that is consistently clear / tidy, that visitors can sit in, or you can retreat to, or is the room you spend most time in.

I ought to just say - you sound like you are doing amazingly well, keeping so so many plates spinning, you ought to cut yourself some slack about the not going to events guilt! Just do what you need to do- loved ones will understand..

https://lifeaddmin.co.uk/what-we-do/
What about this company?

Can you also book a professional declutterer to come and sort the house first? Then a deep clean one off, then get someone in for regular work.

Look at Connections in Mind. They offer executive function support to neuro diverse people. Not used them myself but it may be worth contacting them as they will understand your needs.

Put "organising service household help" into your search engine (not AI bot) you'll get lots of hits - there are loads of individuals and companies/ agencies offering this.

If it helps you and you can afford it, then why not. Or take on the “Feck it” method and stop beating yourself up. The added stresses of constantly scolding ourselves is enough to smother anyone.

Best of luck. 💐

Absolutely the first thing to do is to give yourself a break - not as in time off, just as in recognising that you have a lot on.

OK. If you don't have the emergency friend (I am so lucky I found mine - I don't take advantage, but somehow, just knowing that she's there helps me - and she chases me/calls me if I go silent for too long and doesn't take offence at all). So it's going to be bought in.

You've already done all you can on the subscriptions and I'm presuming bills front. So apply your work brain to it - what's the next little thing you could do to make an improvement?

For me, it's definitely chucking stuff - like you, I'm overwhelmed with house things (my bathroom tap has been broken over a year as I can't face getting a plumber out nor sorting it myself). So I do little things. Like the jars. So at least when I look over at the side, instead of protein powder packets it's a nice looking jar of protein powder, and that little boost can give me the oomph I need to wipe the sides or do the dishwasher. I'm sitting on my computer now trying to persuade myself to pick some other little job to do (clear out old shoes or take the recycling out or something) in the hopes that starting one job will lead me to want to do another. And I'm ignoring the washing until tomorrow (that's my other technique - assign a day to something and ignore it until then - although I often ignore it that day too if I'm honest)

But yes, what you need is that assistant/housekeeper person who'll just be responsible for the 100 little things - the trouble is finding that person.