Support with household organisation and ADHD burnout rather than a cleaner?

[cinemapop]

I am diagnosed ADHD. Diagnosed around 10 years ago. I tried medications, but with some other health problems, they affected my heart rate too much for me to be allowed to continue. I figured some techniques for getting by. I tried fly lady which lead to bullet journalling, which worked for a while. But in recent years, when peri and menapause its gotten to the point im no longer managing.

I work from home in a demanding target driven role. I work condensed hours mon-thurs but then over time every friday, and usually a few hours on the weekend. Reducing this is not an option, I have 3 teenage/young adult children to support, old debts that need paying from when i was on a lesser wage but on my own and struggling, and no partner. Their father has not been in the picture for 12 years, i get the base £29 in CMS only. He doesnt see them and never has from the day he walkked out. My kids that can have part time jobs around uni and college. They all live at home still. I earn too much for any government top ups like UC, they get student finance, but being at home and going off my wage, its expected that i contribute to them still. This is all fine, i earn enough to cover everything we need with some luxaries.

I excel in my role. I consistently hit 110%-125% of targets, manage my time and my workload effectively. Nothing goes overdue. I plan my month as a whole with time for putting put aside for unexpected events and catching up with collegues on teams to ensure those workplace relationships exist despite remote working. I can function in work. I love my job. I know the spoon theroy isnt great, but all my spoons go on work. They have to a degree as i need to hit targets for bonuses and i mentor within my department which is why work relationships matter. But its at the expense of anything else.

Everything else however, is on fire.

I have decsion paralysis over everything, literally everything. i cannot decide meals, i cannot decide what to wear so dont change out of legging and tshirts, i cant decide what colour to paint my nails even, i cant decide what to watch, what book to read, every deceison overwhelms and panics me

I have task paralyis/exectutive dysfunction. My home is chaos, theres stuff everywhere, but i phsyically cannot start these tasks, i want to, i want to do them, but i cannot move, i panic and i dont even know what im panicking at. I look at it all day after day, but i cannot start the task. I cant wash my hair, I cant go to the shops. I cant start anything that needs doing.

I have full social burn out, i dont see any one, or talk to anyone. My messages and whats apps have 10s/100s of unread messages. I cant open them. I cant reply. I just cannot face talking to people. I cancel family events all the time, as i spend 2 days planning to trying to get ready for the event, but by the time it comes round im mentally exhausted, ive not slept. Ive not ate, im not ready. I just cant go.

My kids help, they are all old enough to help (16-21), they decide meals to help me, they cook a night each per week so i dont have to do it every day. They will help with some of the tidying. But 2 of them are also diagnosed, which adds to the chaos that is our home.

Ive seen talk of peope hiring PAs. Rather than a cleaner, i feel i need supprt with the management not the cleaning as such. Maybe theres a better term for it. But its the laundry, organising, meals, decision making, moving stuff from surfaces etc. I can free up money from my OT to afford this. Redcuing my OT to do it myself is pointless, as i cant do it. Its not a free time thing, its a completely malfunctioning thing. When i have had AL and been off i sit and do nothing, just list things that need doing over and over in my head, and never start the tasks. I need another person to help me now. My strategies no longer work.

Does this exists?

Does anyone have a similar person to help with similar needs?

How would i go about finding this service?

Honestly, as a perimenopausal woman with ADHD in a house of people with ADHD, I can tell you what I would do.

I would go through the house with bin bags and I would bin absolutely everything I possibly could. No charity, no vinted, nothing. Yes that’s less than ideal for the environment, but put your own life vest on first.

Once clutter free (and honestly binning is the only way you’ll get through it all, or decision paralysis over what to donate/sell/keep/etc will kick in and you’ll get nowhere), I would invest in robot hoover mops for upstairs and down. Not perfect, but better than nothing.

Have a rule for the whole household that nothing is left on the stairs.

I cannot function in mess and chaos. It’s like I completely freeze. The only solution for me has been everything stays tidy, we don’t have ‘stuff’. If it stays still long enough, I get rid of it.

I do have a housekeeper (very recent thing) but I think before you get to that, you need to declutter and cover the basics yourself as what you’re asking someone to deal with, they won’t be able to. They won’t know if something needs to be kept/chucked/recycled, whether it belonged to Great Aunt Mildred and must be on display eternally. They’ll need to ask you lots of questions to get to the point of being useful, you’ll need to train them to know what to do. And the thought of that makes my brain hurt.

You need to do the basics in the most straightforward way possible, without overthinking. Literally take ‘bin’ as the starting position for anything lying around etc. Work in absolutes as much as possible.

I have the correct cleaning products for every room IN that room. This is especially helpful in bathrooms. If you’re brushing your teeth, eyes go to the cleaning spray and before you know it, you’ve quickly sprayed and wiped down. If you keep on top of stuff that’s all it needs. But if you need to think about it, walk to the cupboard to get the correct cleaning materials, walk back and start the task, then….ADHD.

Micro managing your whole household will be really draining you too. I’ve been there.

I would not be doing 5am wake ups for anyone. They’re old enough to get to college or work, or old enough to face the consequences if they don’t.

My 18 year old, I used to spend hours every day trying to get him up and out. He has a job. He wants the money. He knows he needs to get to the job to get the money. I dropped the ball, left him to it and he’s never missed a day.

The issue is initiating the tasks. Im so burned out i just cannot start them. I know what to do, its doing it.

I so relate to this thread. Also have adhd, unmedicated for reasons similar to the OP, fast paced and demanding job in which I excel, but totally overwhelmed outside of work. My dd is away at uni now but I am caring for my elderly dad, so parenting duties have been replaced by caring duties. DH is very good at keeping most things on track when he is at home, but he spends significant periods overseas for his job and I'm completely overwhelmed during those times. I would love someone to just sweep in and take care of those aspects of life for me!

No advice but much solidarity and understanding. I think my adhd symptoms are worse post menopause than they have ever been. Task initiation is my single biggest hurdle.

@cinemapop I hear you. I have just hired a local declutterer to come round for 2 hours every couple of weeks until the place is manageable for me. I've tried for years to do it on my own and just end up churning everything around.
I've made sure she has experience with ADHD and hoarding. I am not a hoarder, but share many of the emotional & mental health challenges that hoarders have, iyswim.
First session is in a couple of weeks...

Support Worker for household for adult with ADHD. ? Then put essential vacancy requirements.

I find the TOM Rocks guided cleans helpful. Some are more "keep me company" but many are "5 minutes to do the dishes, 3 minutes wiping the work surfaces, 5 minutes sweeping the floor". Once you're past the hurdle of picking the session and and putting on your headphones, there's no more brainwork to do.

I've been using them for the 4 years since they launched (subscription, less than £4 per month) and find that I'm increasingly doing small maintainence jobs spontaneously because they've created autopilot habits, and I see the difference that a few minutes can make rather than being unable to see the difference in "clean the kitchen" which could be 30 mins or 2 hours, but either way needs to wait for an optimal window of time of motivation and hyperfocus and then ending up burned out from the effort so it's a dispiriting mess again in 5 days.

AI can help with creating menu plans and filling the gaps in the routine.

It looks like you know what you're doing, you just need to delegate out the final decision with minimal brain work.

I wonder if you could get a decluttering person /service and housekeeper.
But maybe first get an ADHD coach to discuss this issue and plan the strategy/be kept accountable - literally someone checking in to say “have you booked the housekeeper yet? What is the priority this week?”
It sounds like you’ll need someone physically there helping you declutter, then housekeeping going forward, which is understandable. But a coach as a cheerleader ! Shame there isn’t a combined role tbf

I have AuDHD, late diagnosed. I feel your pain. Holding it together at work but struggling at home. I do think there’s scope for getting paid help as you suggest. My relative is having something similar. Doesn’t need a ‘carer’ yet but needs help with life admin etc. I’d suggest trying a sunrise alarm clock for your 5am riser. I’ve got a Lumie, it really helps.
Can I massively recommend the ‘dubbii’ app? Set up by the couple behind ADHD_love, it’s a body doubling app. There’s pre-recorded videos of many tasks (like getting up, laundry, cleaning rooms) but it also has 1 hour live, hosted sessions every 3 hours. There’s a host who talks (everyone else is muted or it would be chaos, there’s often 100+ people). You set your intentions and everyone gets one with their tasks (separately but together). Hosts will do countdowns, positive encouragement and support. I’ve been amazed at what I can do using dubbii. It’s such a lovely community. It’s only £30 for the year or £5 a month (I paid £5 for one month then switched to a yearly when I saw how much I used it.) In the last 11 months, I’ve only had one day when I haven’t used it!

You need a declutter person they come in and go through your whole house and organise everything, get rid of the crap and really re order the whole house!

You could use hello fresh also for your meals

otherwise advertise for a home help - ask for 3 hours a day mon - fri

And u should not concern yourself with job title of the person u ring the agency up tell them what u need and they will know the best fit tho using an agency is going to be expensive

If you find the answer, let me know

I looked into this when I had my nervous breakdown

I did find a sort of extra help cleaner, but that was coming in at about £25 an hour

And from reading round it seemed to be dependent on what the person was prepared to do

Then, if you get into housekeeper, it's a lot more expensive

I'm only one person in a tiny flat so it would've been a much smaller job

In the end, I had just a normal cleaner come round twice and by then I had a resurrected enough of myself to keep going

I could do with some help at the moment to be honest, years of A&D in a bit of a low spot at the moment, but my feeling is by the time I've explained it all to someone, and signed all the paperwork, it would be easier to do it myself

I don't have the task paralysis that you're describing though. I think that's a bit different.

I hope you find what you're looking for. All the housekeeping agencies around here are aimed at families, and also the flat is tiny and I wouldn't feel comfortable letting them loose while I wasn't here.

Also being honest, I feel judged

The people I spoke to were lovely, they said they do lots of people who have depression and anxiety and they would probably walk in here and go "what's the problem? It's not bad." it isn't. I would just like it to be in perfect order

And then I wonder if I'm being hopelessly unrealistic. I did used to live in perfect order though. I don't know how I did that. I even did it when I was really quite unwell.

I have a declutterrer who has taken on more as time goes by. I’ve seen a thread recently (in AIBU?) where OP was wondering if she could hire a housekeeper (answer: yes). We have 5 ND adults/near adults in our house and I really feel you. Absolutely outsource. I also recently discovered you can outsource laundry: only do it occasionally but it’s good to know I can when it’s all too much.

There is a body doubling app advertised by Rich and Rox Pink (ADHD Love). I think the idea is someone watches you do something you don’t want to do and vice versa.

I‘ve never used it, but here it is: https://www.adhd-love.co.uk

Be careful with the burnout feeling though - it will definitely feel like you can’t stop, but full-blown burnout is worse and takes a long time to recover from.

A housekeeper will help with life outside work.
However, I hope you realise the burnout will spread to your work life too unless you find a way to pull back a bit.
Like many with ADHD, you are a workaholic.
What would be the impact of just meeting targets instead of 125%?
Can you hold back 1 spoon a day just for you to recharge?

Be careful with the burnout feeling though - it will definitely feel like you can’t stop, but full-blown burnout is worse and takes a long time to recover from.

Well said. The signs you are having of burnout outside work are a warning of impending total burnout unless you reduce your load and start carving out rest and recovery time.

There's an agency in Edinburgh called New Town nests. They supply staff for a range of roles and are always very clear in the description what staff will be expected to do. You could get an idea from there how to word an advert to get the right sort of person. I think getting someone to help set up some healthy systems and routines would be great, then you might be able to reduce it over time.

There’s an app called Dubbie (or something like that)

It was created by a woman with ADHD and it has various things that can support with this stuff. It has live body doubling sessions as well. The idea is having someone else doing a task (doesn’t have to be the same task) alongside you can help you complete your task.

i keep meaning to try it

Some things that might help the search;

• home help for the elderly - worth talking to one of your local agencies as they may have someone who they go ‘that would suit them’.
• Personal assistant services - disabled people sometimes have them as part of a care package. So again, local care agencies may have something suitable.
• Tidying and organising suppprt. Theres a person who works locally (Tidy Coo I think her business is). Organise your home. Declutter suppprt might be good terms to search on.
• Virtual PAs - might help get enough under control that gives you capacity for some other aspects. Eg. You could get meal planning and the associated supermarket order built by one for a fortnight at a time.

Or go for something like mindful chef once a fortnight so every other week is take the box out and microwave for main meals.

Home helps / Mothers help - isn’t quite what you’re after but some people who do that will also comfortably do what your after. Rather than light child care it’s basically light parenting of an adult you’re wanting.

I have an absolutely brilliant cleaner who supports my adhd if anyone would like her details, Welsh/Cheshire borders.

Hard relate. I haven’t been able to pull my household together. I’ve been thinking about it all afternoon since I shared my DM’s system but there’s so many “oh but’s” in my family that I can’t settle on any system that would feel fair.

I have two podcast listens that keep me sane
A Slob Comes Clean with Dana White and The Lazy Genius with Kendra Adachi. I think k what I love about them both is that they take enormous overwhelming problems and come up with small, effective solutions.

With Dana, it’s about doing small maintenance chores rather than trying to sort out your whole house in a weekend. Her decluttering method forbids pulling everything out so even if you only spend 2 mins, it’s 2 mins better.

With Kendra she drills into different topics, and uses principles to focus down on what matters and just make small changes for big impact.

I put one or other on when I have to clean, or tidy, and if nothing else it’s just a calm voice in my ear to compete with the chaos in my brain.

You need a part-time housekeeper.

Agencies that deal with household staff will know what that is. You could advertise in The Lady - https://jobs.lady.co.uk/

I empathise. I have inattentive ADHD and I struggle so badly to run the house. It is a constant battle and there are constant feelings of shame. I can't even employ a cleaner as I can't keep on top of the clutter.

I might eventually hire an organiser/declutterer to come and help me if I get enough spare money. Ideally if I could get it sorted so that I could maintain it... I'd then have the cleaner in weekly.

I see a few jobs like this on Indeed. They are usually described as a PA. The actual job description goes into more description to say whether it's an admin/organisational role, a cleaning type role or a personal care role. PA seems to be the overall description.

I have a friend who has someone do this for her, she spent a long time interviewing but found someone who she gets on brilliantly with, who is an organisational genius according to her. She also has a cleaner come in once a month for 4 hours. Best of luck op