Support with household organisation and ADHD burnout rather than a cleaner?

[cinemapop]

I am diagnosed ADHD. Diagnosed around 10 years ago. I tried medications, but with some other health problems, they affected my heart rate too much for me to be allowed to continue. I figured some techniques for getting by. I tried fly lady which lead to bullet journalling, which worked for a while. But in recent years, when peri and menapause its gotten to the point im no longer managing.

I work from home in a demanding target driven role. I work condensed hours mon-thurs but then over time every friday, and usually a few hours on the weekend. Reducing this is not an option, I have 3 teenage/young adult children to support, old debts that need paying from when i was on a lesser wage but on my own and struggling, and no partner. Their father has not been in the picture for 12 years, i get the base £29 in CMS only. He doesnt see them and never has from the day he walkked out. My kids that can have part time jobs around uni and college. They all live at home still. I earn too much for any government top ups like UC, they get student finance, but being at home and going off my wage, its expected that i contribute to them still. This is all fine, i earn enough to cover everything we need with some luxaries.

I excel in my role. I consistently hit 110%-125% of targets, manage my time and my workload effectively. Nothing goes overdue. I plan my month as a whole with time for putting put aside for unexpected events and catching up with collegues on teams to ensure those workplace relationships exist despite remote working. I can function in work. I love my job. I know the spoon theroy isnt great, but all my spoons go on work. They have to a degree as i need to hit targets for bonuses and i mentor within my department which is why work relationships matter. But its at the expense of anything else.

Everything else however, is on fire.

I have decsion paralysis over everything, literally everything. i cannot decide meals, i cannot decide what to wear so dont change out of legging and tshirts, i cant decide what colour to paint my nails even, i cant decide what to watch, what book to read, every deceison overwhelms and panics me

I have task paralyis/exectutive dysfunction. My home is chaos, theres stuff everywhere, but i phsyically cannot start these tasks, i want to, i want to do them, but i cannot move, i panic and i dont even know what im panicking at. I look at it all day after day, but i cannot start the task. I cant wash my hair, I cant go to the shops. I cant start anything that needs doing.

I have full social burn out, i dont see any one, or talk to anyone. My messages and whats apps have 10s/100s of unread messages. I cant open them. I cant reply. I just cannot face talking to people. I cancel family events all the time, as i spend 2 days planning to trying to get ready for the event, but by the time it comes round im mentally exhausted, ive not slept. Ive not ate, im not ready. I just cant go.

My kids help, they are all old enough to help (16-21), they decide meals to help me, they cook a night each per week so i dont have to do it every day. They will help with some of the tidying. But 2 of them are also diagnosed, which adds to the chaos that is our home.

Ive seen talk of peope hiring PAs. Rather than a cleaner, i feel i need supprt with the management not the cleaning as such. Maybe theres a better term for it. But its the laundry, organising, meals, decision making, moving stuff from surfaces etc. I can free up money from my OT to afford this. Redcuing my OT to do it myself is pointless, as i cant do it. Its not a free time thing, its a completely malfunctioning thing. When i have had AL and been off i sit and do nothing, just list things that need doing over and over in my head, and never start the tasks. I need another person to help me now. My strategies no longer work.

Does this exists?

Does anyone have a similar person to help with similar needs?

How would i go about finding this service?

I have a weekly hour video call with a professional declutterer (she essentially just sits on the laptop in corner of the room while I tackle one area (like a desk drawer or a cupboard) and gives encouragement / asks me prompt questions to help me make decisions and at the end if there are say 10 mins left she will say “right take the recycling out, put that pile of clean washing away then it’s done” and I achieve so much with just having someone keep me on task for an hour. It helps me focus. And it means I don’t have to feel like I’m avoiding a stressful mountain because I know it’s booked in.

I suspect I have adhd. I also have a personal trainer for the same reason, to keep me on task. I need people telling me what to do

@cinemapop FWIW after I posted it I did an hour of tidying

So my problem is not exactly the same as yours, obviously, but thank you for posting

And again, I mean it when I say I really do hope you find what you're looking for

I would actually be totally willing to help out with stuff like this if I were your friend. This ADHD body doubling has been mentioned to me before. Someone who is diagnosed with ADHD thought I would find it very helpful. The obvious substitute seems like if you had a friend round who could encourage you for an hour? I haven't got anyone who would do that, but I wonder if you've asked for help. I know sometimes it's difficult to ask for help because you think you're going be judged, but I would definitely help.

At the age of 50, and having always lived on my own, it just feels as if I've done housework forever. A lot of things went wrong when I moved to my current place and I just no longer have any incentive to keep the place looking nice. I also made a lot of poor choices in terms of how to store things in such a small flat -I might have to bite the bullet and spend the money on better solutions but I'm nervous of making poor choices all over again!

This may sound a bit strange, but you can get AI to make decisions. For example, there are apps you can take a photo of your fridge with, and it will tell you what to make for dinner. You can ask it what colour to paint your nails, to tell you what tv show to watch or what book to read. Give it a list of every job you need to do, then when you have 5 mins (eg you put the kettle on to make tea) ask it how you should spend the 5 mins. No arguing, no thinking, let it be in charge.

Lots of sympathy as I am the same (also have medical reasons medication didn't work out). Following with interest to see if the right type of person can be found.

Task initiation is the worst thing. The saying "It's not knowing what to do, it's doing what you know" nails it. I did use an ADHD life coach for a while, but even though they were for ADHD, I didn't find them a great help, as what they said mainly fell under suggestions for what to do rather than how to make myself get past the paralysis.

Just on the off chance that there's a strategy you haven't tried, here are some that have helped for me. They haven't solved the problem, but sometimes they get me past the compulsive not starting.

What helps sometimes is explicitly NOT doing the thing. So I switch my internal monologue from saying "I must start doing X" to "I'm NOT doing X, but I will (say) just move this jumper from here to there".

Also, the shortest of shortest timers - one minute, two minutes, no more. Sometimes that can break the paralysis for a while.

I try to try to detach myself from any emotion at all or even thoughts, beyond "I'm going to make my arms and legs do this small sub-task although I absolutely do not want to, and it'll be OK, because they'll be doing it, not me". That idea comes from Brain Over Binge (a book about compulsive overeating) where the author found it useful to think explicitly about how she is in charge of her arms and legs, to try to bypass compulsive thinking (for eating rather than avoidance/procrastination).

"I'm allowed to stop whenever I want even if it's only after 15 seconds" is a crucial idea, too, which seems to help. I have to mean it - when I really do and truly believe it, it can help.

If I can find something really interesting to listen to that can help as it fills up the space in my mind that would otherwise be panicking at the boredom and the dread of finding things I should have dealt with earlier.

Basically all those things fall under "I'm NOT doing X", which becomes the dominant thought, while bits of my body sometimes do a bit of X anyway but almost despite me rather than because of me (then after say three 2 minute timers I may be able to go up to 15 minutes and do two or three of those).

Making a list often helps a bit. It's not because it helps me to remember what to do, it's because subconsciously my brain gets used to the idea that I'm going to be doing those things, and that makes the task initiation a tiny bit easier (even if it's two days later). The items on the list must be as small as possible - there is no such things as one that's too small in my experience.

All of these things at different times have helped me get past the initiation of tasks that I'm essentially almost phobic about starting.

I have had to be brutal about any type of tech I can be compulsive over that stops me doing tasks I need to move around to do - this includes work, refreshing social media, whatever. If that's available, it's twice as hard to do anything else. I use blockers.

I would also second A Slob Comes Clean for anything to do with clutter, and also Atomic Habits is a very good book/audiobook that goes into detail about the psychology of how to remove friction and make it easier to start things and gradually turn them into habits.

Have you tried body doubling, op?

I’ve just launched a business in my part of the South East supporting with all the things you’re struggling with. I’ve always found time to be the most precious commodity and with the rise of older relatives in ailing health (certainly amongst my friends and also in my original line of work in the NHS) people are looking to recoup any spare minutes and hours they can possibly outsource, never mind off loading the mental load!

Try a none stimulant adhd medication?

go on the dreaded ai and say

write me a meal plan with groceries to buy for a week (you can say I’m vegan or lactose intolerant etc so any dietary requirements) and then just do that.

let each of your children know each child will cook for everyone one day a week.

ask ai to make a cleaning rota for the 4 of you - enforce it

take a picture of a room you want sorted and ask ai to redesign it

in fact you can even ask ai what colour to paint your nails

take the decisions away from yourself and see how you feel. Then when your ready you can start using it less or if it’s working for you then why not

I have 3 adhd teens (and more than likely me too)
I would no be getting up at 5am to wake them if im not up myself.
They have multiple alarms and pillow vibrator. They know they have to get up as I wont be doing it.
Clothes are organised for the week on hangers on a sunday for monday to Friday. Everyone washes clothes Saturday.

Can you put an advert in The Lady magazine? Well it's online now. You could specify exactly what you wanted. I would love a job helping you. I love organising and sorting out and I bet there are lots of people who would too.

I think a cleaner could help you if you specified that they needed to help you with tidying and organising. So for example you could hire someone for 4 hours with one of those hours to be used for tidying, organising or errands. The imminent arrival of the cleaner also gives an incentive for some tasks to be done each week.

Trust me, I have had a lot of cleaners, they are all individuals and some will be happy to do this. The best cleaners are those who are ever so slightly traditional and house-proud themselves and who would therefore relish the opportunity to do this sort out a bit of domestic chaos.

Try an advert in a newsagent or similar, as that way you probably get someone who is a local individual rather than an agency.

PS. Your children sound like wonderful young people!

Kindly, as they are getting older they need to take their own responsibility for things like alarms , keys ( in a bowl or hook- takes practice!!) and making sure they have clothes. You need less in your brain not more. .

Personslly I think a “everyone’s laundry” in machine is better than doing own. A light and dark load daily or every other day. Depends how much you have. We are daily. Task them to do a day each. Timer delay. Cones on early morning. Out on line/airer before people leave.

We have an Alexa which sets up reminders. Bins. Recycling.

After tea is getting house straight for all.

Declutter Dollie’s for decluttering or similar. Less stuff and systems help.

You’ve probably already tried this but I have to ‘trick’ myself in to doing stuff by saying I will do one tiny thing. Such as “I will run tap until it’s hot and put washing up liquid in the bowl” and that’s it. I often find when I do that, especially if I am listening to music or a podcast, I will end up cleaning everything as I can’t seem to stop once I have started!
The other thing I have done to avoid overwhelm is to set a timer and say I am only going to do 15 minutes of house work and then stop. It makes the whole task feel smaller and often i get more done than I think in that time. I have to approach my job in the same way - set timers for 40 minutes and then stop to get up and move around.

Food, I always have easy options in. Fresh soup with microwave rice, ready to eat salmon and cous cous - that type of thing.

I do have a cleaner, but I think that helps me want to keep on top of the cleaning if that makes sense? Once she’s been and it’s spotless I want to try and keep it that way if I can. I totally understand the spoons thing. Are you sure there is no way you can ease off work just a little? If you’re a high performer,
you may get some grace as you’ve built up your kudos! Can you start to build small habits around things you do each day? Wipe round the bathroom sink while brushing your teeth for example?

When I am at my worse, I struggle to even brush my teeth every day so I do understand! I can slowly build up to a point of functioning adult, then I think I am smashing it and try to add loads of other things in - exercise routines and god knows what and then it all comes crashing down and I have to start again from scratch. I haven’t been diagnosed with anything but I’m fairly certain there’s something going on.

I haven’t read the full thread. If you are peri/menopausal perhaps HRT can help as ADHD symptoms can worsen due to losing the ability to mask.
Then make time to exercise. Are you getting enoigh quality sleep? Ideally you would be eating a balanced whole food diet but this may be challenging at this time.

You are looking for a personal assistant or housekeeper. You can put on your local FB group exactly what you require and hopefully you will get some takers.

Also are the young adults also neurodiverse? Wondering why they need micromanaging?

To add, I used AI a lot to help me with this but not by asking it to write me a schedule as such, I’d literally type “I need to do x, y, z but I am frozen and don’t know where to start” and it would give me small prompts. Give it all the context, tell it you have ADHD etc and it will tailor advice to you

Thank you for the replies

The one im getting up at 5 for has much more going on than the ADHD, theres a lot of reason i have to get up and help him which arent necessary to this, but hes an adult (now 21) who, in all probability, will never live fully independently. He has a lot of additional needs alongside mental health conditions. Its not possible to step back from him at the moment. The other 2 are much better, i still need to pop up in the morning to check they are up and ask if they have their keys, remind them its mon and their day to do tea etc, but they are 90% independent. Youngest who is adhd is combined, and very bouncy and leans more into the hyper.

Im inattentive, completely shut down diagnsosed. I think inattentive type is even harder for people to understand as outwardly, its harder to tell.

I shall look into the apps and books etc. But they all do sound quite similar to what i have tried in the past. And how it is at the moment, i do need something more hands on to help me. Im going to message around some local cleaning servvices and see what level of support they can offer too.

The 110-125% isnt ness at work no, but i want to keep a buffer so if it does get harder im not risking my bonus.

I just need out of this chaos, and maybe that will help the burnout. I dont know. But self help organising and "just do it" feels completely out of reach.

It sounds as though you’re burning a lot of energy and focus on worry about losing your bonus/hyperfixation on making sure you get your bonus, and this will be wearing you out even more.

I have a lot of responsibility at work and at times that are tricky at work (not even caused by me and often nothing I can even change), I find I feel so much more burned out with things I normally cope with, because I’m basically using all of my spoons on that. Worry, anxiety, even subconscious worry that doesn’t quite go away, it is all so draining.

I can identify this in myself but can’t switch my brain off enough to stop it happening. It’s so hard.

Absolutely. I need the bonus, not getting it just isnt an option. But its also if i drop below 100% im no longer eligible for OT hours too. Without both those things i would struggle to manage month to month. Its definitely added stress, but necessary stress. Losing income cannot happen.

Is this not a housekeeper? I feel very similarly to you but have no diagnosis and don’t think I have ADHD but recognise the paralysis and messy home.

I would love someone to plan my menu, my shopping list, keep my cupboards turned over and keep things in order.

I have a part-time nanny who does a lot of these things for me and it’s frankly life changing.

She does my laundry, keeps the boys clothes in order, does light tidying and cleaning. She just gives us enough space to keep on top of the worst of it but I am still sinking at times.

A house manager?

My cleaner used to have client that she went to every weekday morning at 8am. Ensured the teens left for school on time. Cleared the breakfast things, then did anything the family needed (including cooking, errands, making appointments…) for the rest of the morning.

I’d post on your Facebook Local Page too and see what happens. You can often post anonymously if you prefer.

That’s the dubbii app I mentioned above! Totally amazing community, highly recommend

Come and join the dub club! Honestly, it awesome. Worth every penny!

@cinemapopI have sent you a private message..

How much is the Dubbii app a month though?

Sounds like you need a housekeeper not a cleaner or a PA.
My friend is a housekeeper, once a week she comes to our place, does the laundry, puts it away, tidies one room and takes rubbish to the tip. She also sorts out charity donations and takes those, and I leave a little post it.
for example this week coming up my youngest has “explorer day” so on Friday she was tasked with finding all the survival things we have in the house and putting a costume together for him. She also put together a couple of gift baskets from my business to give for raffle prizes today. That’s the kinds of thing a housekeeper is great at.
Our housekeeper will also do things like write a menu based off the food in the house and create a shopping list. She will quite often do things like go shopping for birthday presents and cards, organise my dossette box and stupid things that my brain fog forgets.
Because she’s one of my closest friends, she’s super flexible about how many hours we will need her for. This Friday, it was about 2 hours (£40) but Friday 8th May I will likely need her all day as there’s a lot of things coming up with the children that need addressing.