Support with household organisation and ADHD burnout rather than a cleaner?

[cinemapop]

I am diagnosed ADHD. Diagnosed around 10 years ago. I tried medications, but with some other health problems, they affected my heart rate too much for me to be allowed to continue. I figured some techniques for getting by. I tried fly lady which lead to bullet journalling, which worked for a while. But in recent years, when peri and menapause its gotten to the point im no longer managing.

I work from home in a demanding target driven role. I work condensed hours mon-thurs but then over time every friday, and usually a few hours on the weekend. Reducing this is not an option, I have 3 teenage/young adult children to support, old debts that need paying from when i was on a lesser wage but on my own and struggling, and no partner. Their father has not been in the picture for 12 years, i get the base £29 in CMS only. He doesnt see them and never has from the day he walkked out. My kids that can have part time jobs around uni and college. They all live at home still. I earn too much for any government top ups like UC, they get student finance, but being at home and going off my wage, its expected that i contribute to them still. This is all fine, i earn enough to cover everything we need with some luxaries.

I excel in my role. I consistently hit 110%-125% of targets, manage my time and my workload effectively. Nothing goes overdue. I plan my month as a whole with time for putting put aside for unexpected events and catching up with collegues on teams to ensure those workplace relationships exist despite remote working. I can function in work. I love my job. I know the spoon theroy isnt great, but all my spoons go on work. They have to a degree as i need to hit targets for bonuses and i mentor within my department which is why work relationships matter. But its at the expense of anything else.

Everything else however, is on fire.

I have decsion paralysis over everything, literally everything. i cannot decide meals, i cannot decide what to wear so dont change out of legging and tshirts, i cant decide what colour to paint my nails even, i cant decide what to watch, what book to read, every deceison overwhelms and panics me

I have task paralyis/exectutive dysfunction. My home is chaos, theres stuff everywhere, but i phsyically cannot start these tasks, i want to, i want to do them, but i cannot move, i panic and i dont even know what im panicking at. I look at it all day after day, but i cannot start the task. I cant wash my hair, I cant go to the shops. I cant start anything that needs doing.

I have full social burn out, i dont see any one, or talk to anyone. My messages and whats apps have 10s/100s of unread messages. I cant open them. I cant reply. I just cannot face talking to people. I cancel family events all the time, as i spend 2 days planning to trying to get ready for the event, but by the time it comes round im mentally exhausted, ive not slept. Ive not ate, im not ready. I just cant go.

My kids help, they are all old enough to help (16-21), they decide meals to help me, they cook a night each per week so i dont have to do it every day. They will help with some of the tidying. But 2 of them are also diagnosed, which adds to the chaos that is our home.

Ive seen talk of peope hiring PAs. Rather than a cleaner, i feel i need supprt with the management not the cleaning as such. Maybe theres a better term for it. But its the laundry, organising, meals, decision making, moving stuff from surfaces etc. I can free up money from my OT to afford this. Redcuing my OT to do it myself is pointless, as i cant do it. Its not a free time thing, its a completely malfunctioning thing. When i have had AL and been off i sit and do nothing, just list things that need doing over and over in my head, and never start the tasks. I need another person to help me now. My strategies no longer work.

Does this exists?

Does anyone have a similar person to help with similar needs?

How would i go about finding this service?

I just read an article on this! You need a house manager. It's like a housekeeper but they do life admin and organisation tasks too.

(Haven't read the whole thread so sorry if I'm repeating.)

This sounds really really hard. I'm not in exactly your situation but I really relate to all your spoons going on the essentials and making sure the children have everything they need and then having nothing left. I'm lucky to have a partner who helps with evening routines and if I say things are getting on top of me although he does also accumulate hobby items! Otherwise I just put everything in one room or the garage and then we have a sort out together a few times a year. That doesn't sound realistic for you without some professional support and booking some annual leave. Is the state of the house your biggest issue or is it something else?

How about agreeing a weekly menu with your children and doing it on repeat - tskes the indecision of what to cook away and helps with shopping list too x

Going from where you are now to where you need to be is going to take a while - accept this. Yes, not an ADHDers happy place 😁 but critical.

1 - treat yourself in the same way as you treat your children. Necessary accommodations, enrichment etc etc. this will be hard. Remind yourself that you need to model this behaviour so they learn to do it.

2 - YES to reducing stuff. You have probably got multiples of everything in many locations because that used to help. It did. It was the right choice at the time. Now it’s new phase.

3 - DO NOT try to organise anything until you have finished reducing. You’ll get the perfect solution then find more stuff and then have to redo it which will result in frustration.

Create holding bays for collecting stuff in categories.

4 - Once everything is in holding bays edit a category at a time then put the keepers back in its holding bay. This is where you give yourself necessary accommodations. You matter. Sunk cost guilt must go. I should take this to charity shop, is it good enough then never taking it - no! You need your energy for the house organising.

Accept that this stage takes a while.

5 - Once edited have ONE place for things. You may need a second place to keep back ups.

Single layer, visible vertical storage. If you can’t see it it doesn’t exist. No storage containers that are not see through. If you have to take off a lid, put it somewhere then replace it - it’s not going to happen. Open top or integrated lids or drawers are your friend.

Find your balance between cupboard doors/drawers and visual clutter. This is difficult. You need to be able to see things and easily access them but also need reduced visual clutter.

6 - At this point stay in this phase while you find flaws in your original organising model and change them up until it’s optimal.

While that is going on you will already be finding it easier to stay on top of things. KEEP RECOGNISING THISand praising yourself.

ADHD Au people are exceptional at noticing things that aren’t optimal. You need to carve out more positive tunnels in your brain to balance this.

sorry - it’s long!

If I get overwhelmed like you are now I need company to help me. Most of the time listening to a podcast with more than one host is enough to trick my brain. But yes otherwise write a job description. Good luck, i really feel for you.

This is all excellent in theory but putting it into practice is the stumbling block. No woman who is smashing it and hyper-focussed at work is sat there going “I can’t work out why everything else is on fire”; OP has said why. It’s the doing.

OP, the line that landed hardest is "everything else is on fire". You are holding down a demanding role and three young adults and the household alone, with menopause and ADHD running underneath, and the bit you cannot reach is the bit where every decision needs you to be the project manager. That is not a cleaning problem. It is an executive function problem.

The role you are describing exists, it just does not have a tidy industry name. The search terms that work better than "cleaner" are "support worker", "personal assistant for adults with ADHD", and "household management". A few hours a week of someone who can take the next step when you cannot, alongside the laundry, the meals, and the surfaces.

I should disclose, I run a small London introductory care agency called Hibant. We work mostly with families arranging care for an elderly relative, but a few of the carers we introduce are self-employed support workers who do exactly what you describe. If that sounds useful, hibantcare.com or [email protected]. Otherwise the search terms above are a good start.

You are not failing at home. You are running a one-person operation with no second pair of hands, on a fuel system that has shifted under you. Asking for the help is the right next step.