AIBU to expect my husband to look after baby without it being a favour to me?

[Bumpyroads]

Asked my husband to hold our baby while I cooked dinner. I had already started cooki g but had baby in the carrier and was clearly stressed. He looked after him for 25 minutes max! He now says I should respect him more with how hard he works as he was helping me out.
He said i should have said something along the lines of "i know youve had a really hard day but please can you hold the baby" ie i have to preface asking him with saying how much i value how hard he works.

He now says he doesn't want the dinner I cooked and was going to put it in the bin(i told him no ill save it for tomorrow). He then tipped the beer I bought him earlier down the drain, something I bought him because I knew he'd had a hard day.

Im really tired of him saying im the primary carer for the children its not that hard, I have it easy. He works so hard if I ask anything of him he will say but yours the primary carer and I go to work.

Am I being unreasonable? Am I just lazy and need to suck it up as actually being a stay at home mum is easy. Am I supposed to be super mum doing it all with no complaints?
For context 10 month old still wakes several times a night so I am exhausted and he is an extremely difficult/clingy baby so getting house stuff dont if difficult.
Also husband does do stuff around the house but honestly it seem like I have to be so appreciative as if he's doing me a favour not that its just one of those things because its a shared effort.

Sorry rambling..
Anyway
unreasonable - suck it up you stay at home all day thats easy and you need to appreciate he has worked hard all day.
Not unreasonable- your not asking too much and even though he's at work he should still help without it feeling like a favour

Or something in the middle

I imagine you think he's 'putting up with' your mental health issues, OP. More likely he's the cause of them. He sounds lazy, rude, unpleasant and insufferable. I imagine what you've shared with us on this thread is only the tip of the iceberg . Please seek support for yourself so you can leave this arsehole.

You can't, it's not salvageable.

He thinks that the job he does, is harder and way more important than yours.
He will always think that. He will always expect that you be grateful to him.
You need to divorce.
I hate him on your behalf.

You’re really asking why she has not had sex for 19 months? Why would anybody have sex with this man.

My DH was previously married to a someone where he had a very hands-on role with the household and childcare.

He has just said you should leave your husband because he's an arsehole and he's not going to change.

Very well put, especially the first sentence.
I would add "audacious" c.
I couldn't look at him.

My husband (76), a decent man, said the other day "I could have cut the grass for you".
He was corrected and doesn't use this expression anymore. I don't know how old this man is, but
I think when my husband was young - the 60s, 70s, it was probably used daily.
"For you". 😁
He meant well, but still remained sitting down.

Your husband's comments reminded me of a TV programme about 20 years ago, where a dog trainer taught women (unbeknown to their husbands) dog training techniques to use on their husband, including thanking them a lot for jobs you would expect them to do unasked. It was surprisingly successful, the husband's stepping up as well as saying how lovely their wives were being 😅 There was sadly only one or two series, as it had made fascinating viewing, although the ethics of it may have been queried.

"He now says he doesn't want the dinner I cooked and was going to put it in the bin(i told him no ill save it for tomorrow). He then tipped the beer I bought him earlier down the drain, something I bought him because I knew he'd had a hard day"

That sounds like coercive control, he's making the evening unpleasant as a punishment for you asking him to do something, aim being you will stop asking.
He's banging on about you being the primary carer and you should be grateful so you will believe you should be grateful. Once he's got you believing this he may even take things a step further to mould you into the obedient little wife.

Even if he isn't doing it with those intentions, he sounds awful. Why wouldn't he just want to hold his baby when he's been out at work all day? Why would he want to see his wife struggle and then show complete disrespect for her efforts?

He sounds utterly vile. He is treating you appallingly. I would be making plans to leave. I think you'd be surprised how much your mental health problems improve once he's out of the picture.

I cant believe that, by the sound of it, you had more than one child with this pathetic excuse of a parent.

No idea why women pick these crap males. He is basically sees you as his servant/ nanny for his kids/ cleaner who exists purely to make him look good/ make his life easy. I bet even him parsing you is only done in the context of bragging about himself. Grim.

I’m always shocked that some men don’t want to be hands on with their children simply because they’re their children and raising them and being involved in their day-to-day lives is a privilege. Yes it’s work, but it’s also bloody amazing and they’re missing out.

Goes without saying that it’s also unfair, sexist, and oppressive to be treated this way. You’re the primary carer during working hours not 24/7.

He sounds like a nasty piece of work tbh. Chucking the dinner you cooked away then beer you bought him. Does he say he appreciates what you do at home so he can go to work, he clearly doesn’t see how exhausted you are. That’s not nice, kind or good husband material. Marriage is a partnership, you should be a team. He seems to have some sort of superiority complex.
only you can decide what you do next.
i know what i would do. I hope things change for you, but you need to be the one changing them, it’ll be tough though.

It’s becoming more and more apparent that many (most?) men have no desire to be parents and just go along with it for their female partners.
The attitude shows up in every little interaction like the one above.
If that’s the deal then state it up front so women can make an informed choice and adjust their expectations accordingly. Or, just opt out.
The future for women is dystopian.

He's never going to change OP.

I'm sorry

This would have been on the table before I got pregnant. Hopeless idiot, is he a caveman?

I can understand perfectly why she would not want to have sex with her useless husband. However, for there to be no sex, at all, for 19 months, there has to be something else going on apart from her not wanting to - because men tend to pressurise and wives often/usually give in, even if it’s just to ‘keep the peace’. No sex at all after conceiving implies they had sex very rarely even before. Everything points to this marriage having been dysfunctional for quite a long time, and asking why she chose to have a third child is therefore a valid question.

I agree.
I'd suggest you really try and think back on the relationship OP. How was he treating you when these mental health problems arose? Just the one example you given in your OP rings bells for coercive control and emotional abuse, but he is so subtle with it. He could have been grinding you down for years without you realising.

He should want to spend time with his baby!

Do NOT have any more children with him

He’s an abusive prick
kd it’s not hard having the kids he can have them all day at the weeekend and cook at the same time while you go have a spa day

He is a man with a wife and children

He is not a father and husband

Men show their true colours when you have a kid with them, then you just divorce them and live happily ever after.

This attitude is what started the ball rolling for me ending my first marriage. I could have written this post, down to slinging his dinner across the room and saying he wasn’t going to be eating ‘this muck’. I’m now married to the loveliest man ever. There’s a better life out there.

What a cock womble he is. My DH is self employed and working all hours but he still does bedtimes and has time with our kids because he loves them and wants to do it. No advice other than really think what you want here and in future. He won’t change.

So many red flags.

Sorry you can’t quite see it yet OP, but he is fucking vile.