To feel deluded, upset and undervalued.

[WasIReallyCrapAtMyJob]

Ive recently had to stop working because I've had major health issues and can no longer continue working in my field of work (or working at all). I've been in the field for over 10 years, started off in an unskilled position and worked my way up to where I was.

Last Friday was my last day, although I'd been off for most of my notice period at the request of my consultants, so wasn't physically there.

Normally when people leave, regardless of their job role, there is a whip round, a card sent round for everyone to sign, and a thoughtful gift bought with the money. I've always given generously to each one. I haven't even received so much as a card, and it has really hit me hard.

I thought that I had been a much valued member of staff, a good team player, and that over the years my contributions have not gone unnoticed. I thought I had good relationships with my work colleagues, some closer than others. Over the years I've put myself out there, gone above and beyond despite my own limitations, and it all feels now that I've been deluded and that it was all for nothing. All I'd have liked was a card thanking me for my hard work, it didn't even need to be signed by everyone, just a general thank you, something to show for all my years of what I thought was valued work.

It's not like they don't have my address to post a card to. Some work colleagues have even been to my house so have my address.

I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to about this either, as the people I'd normally have a moan on to about work (and vice versa) are the people who've not bothered to do a card. My husband doesn't understand why I'm so upset either, he views work differently to me though.

I just feel like crap, was I really just deluded in my own work abilities? All my supervisions and annual reviews always came back glowing, no improvements needed, keep doing what you're doing, higher management were impressed with xyz when they last visited. I've been there for a lot of work colleagues, listened when they had problems at work and at home, never moaned about how my disability was affecting me etc. I thought I was genuinely a liked person at work. It's the first job in my 35 years of working that I finally felt I fitted in with people.

It appears not ☹️

OP, I would imagine this is an oversight - either they thought you’d already left, when you cleared your desk, or they think you’re on sick leave and will be coming back. I agree that someone should have had oversight of this - normally it would be for a manager to organise a card and present . Don’t overthink it, though: I’m sure it’s unintentional, and is absolutely no reflection of your working abilities.

Sorry, I was there the week before last, so 3rd week of notice period? Said my final byes to everyone.

There is no solace to pick up, nobody had to cover my post etc, so no malice around that.

It might just be where I work, but since the pandemic and everyone wfh most of the time, the days of a card to sign and a cash collection are over.

Usually, it’s an online card and collection. So maybe that has been emailed to you?

This. I can understand how you feel though.
Also when people leave they always we'll have to meet up etc but hardly ever follow up. Make the most of the lovely weather and move on.

You sound like a huge loss to them @WasIReallyCrapAtMyJob

People are very selfish and busy and I suspect that’s what’s happened. It’s not a reflection on you but on them.

In a previous role I literally saved the business from bankruptcy and kept people’s jobs; I then went on mat leave and only one person gave me a card/gift! It hurt tbh.
but we move on.

hope you keep in good health xxxx

Out of sight, out of mind. Try not to take it personally.

Just writing this as a virtual card to wish you the best of luck on this next phase - I may not be a colleague, but you clearly were committed to your role and d serve a virtual hug.

I fully understand the emotion of being unable to work due to illness / disability; I found it harder than my illness itself in many ways. I’ve since been able to carve out a new way of working / fulfilling my passion with my illness and hope in time, you can too xxx

Normally when people leave, regardless of their job role, there is a whip round, a card sent round for everyone to sign, and a thoughtful gift bought with the money. I've always given generously to each one. I haven't even received so much as a card, and it has really hit me hard.

Have any of these been comparable situations though or the more usual 'person leaving for another job' scenario? Because if someone's sick and been off sick and not getting better then it might feel wrong to do the same as for a more positive send off. I agree they could still have acknowledged your work there and done some kind of 'sorry you're leaving' card, but agree with others that you already having left weeks before would have made this less likely and unless you had a particular friend there you'd kept in touch with who knew you wanted some contact, maybe no one felt like it was their position to take the lead on it, and so it went unnoticed as they got on with their work. Sorry it's so upsetting though, must be amplified by the bigger issues you're having to manage.

@WasIReallyCrapAtMyJob No of course you weren’t crap at your job!
I’m so sorry that you had such a bland ending to your employment. FWIW I can fully identify with that, having been chronically & seriously ill for months before being forced to retire. It’s sad, we have achieved so much & made many work-friends along the way. However, in the main they were work-friends and in my case we all just faded away as I was too ill to keep in touch. I don’t think my manager at the time gave any thought to a formal Goodbye & in reality there wasn’t much I could do about it. If I’m honest, it took a few years to adjust to not being career-driven, I had to learn to identify myself as CleanSkin not as an XYZ Manager.

@Lengokengoyour idea is absolutely brilliant!

As you've nothing to lose, would it make you feel any better to send a 'has my card and gift got lost in the post' kinda email to your ex boss? If only to make them feel bad too.

I think all you can really do is try your best to reframe it and not dwell. Being absent is likely a factor, people finding it difficult around the etiquette when people are unwell may be another factor - people not wanting to seem to be acting in a celebratory manner giving the circumstances or simply just finding it all a bit awkward is a lot more common than you think. I've had a chronic illness my entire life and you do find people can go MIA when it's brought into the fold or becomes a real struggle - it's an unfair additional challenge but important to remember it isn't personal, rather it is more about what they find difficult. Best to acknowledge you feel hurt, rationalise it and revert the focus back to what you know which is that you need to focus on yourself now, that you did good work, were a good colleague and made a positive contribution.

You know you weren't crap at your job, for the reasons you've given. It doesn't mean you aren't liked either, it just is what it is and likely circumstantial.

Life’s shit sometimes isn’t it? I had a similar experience OP

I think it was a miscommunication. In most cases if someone gets a card on retirement it's on their last day, in front of everyone on a planned time. But if you'd been in, cleared your desk and said goodbye to everyone, it would seem to me as if you had your last day and left. They probably thought you didn't want a fuss. I don't think I'd start a collection for someone or get a card after that.

From what you say you were undoubtedly very good at your job and valued whilst working.

Unfortunately in a working environment colleagues tend to remember the last three months and forget anything before that very quickly indeed.

It's unfortunately very common in my field for people to disappear with burnout and never return - because they're initially off long term sick, which is perfectly valid, not their fault etc. etc. but nevertheless extremely difficult for everyone else because we are usually all pretty stretched at the best of times and then have to cover, this creates some unavoidable feelings of resentment even though we know it's not the individual's fault.

Then when they do leave, if they do, the overriding sentiment is relief we can at least finally try to recruit a replacement.

It's a different atmosphere than when someone gives notice and is working full tilt and fully appreciated until they leave with a replacement recruited.

I think it's human nature to forget what work colleagues did in the past when they've been off a long time, but it isn't personal.

I'm sorry, this must have knocked your confidence but it isn't a reflection on you or your colleagues as people, just on the unavoidable situation of having been out of sight, out of mind before officially being off the headcount.

I think it will be a case of out of sight out of mind. Its a social pressure to give a leaving present, deep down no one really wants to give their money to Fred in accounts who is leaving. They have been given an opportunity to have your leaving pass them by and they have took it unfortunately.
I'm sorry it's crap, I think I would be tempted to say something but I think it's good to call people out on things, not everyone does.

If it makes you feel any better I once got given a pair of earrings for leaving, I clearly didn't have my ears pierced and we all know you can't take them back so I was confusingly saying thank you thinking why the hell have you bought me these.
A friend of mine got a £100 bouquet of flowers, she was off on a plane for a 2 week holiday straight after work so that was a ridiculous present!

Then there's my poor dad, he had worked in a factory for 30 years, absolutely loved the place, would do anything they asked, he actually bought the boss a really expensive nice present to show his gratitude for working there, put in for every collection.
He retired and walked out of there alone, not a single thank you or acknowledgement, he cried his eyes out and my dad does NOT cry. I rang them and gave them a good bollocking!
It's absolutely correct that you are a number, your work friends are generally not your friends and they don't really care about you unfortunately.
Cheer yourself up with a treat and move on x

Could it be your colleagues thought it inappropriate given that you’re leaving on illness grounds rather than moving on or retiring which are more party events

I totally agree with this^^

Please don’t take this personally op. It’s partly because you were out of sight and therefore out of mind. It’s hard to keep track of people who are off sick and people don’t want to appear too intrusive by asking about the circumstances and so may not have realised when it came to your last official day.

I am really sorry you are upset though 🌺

If it’s any consolation btw, I was once given a leaving card and a small present, but the organiser apologised and said, so sorry it would have been bigger but someone took money out of the collection fund! 😬

I really wouldn’t do this. It makes you look grabby and is blatantly passive anggressve and OP isn’t being grabby. It would only reflect on OP negatively. Also, if she were then to receive something - it would really feel the same as it would only be because she said something.

It sounds possible that you were an excellent employee and colleague who carried the team, but were working with self-centred people who really felt your absence. Rather than that leading to appreciation for you, it could have led to resentment that they had to step up to cover you during your illness.

Do you have social media? I would put up a post about retiring and new adventures ahead, that kind of thing. Chances are, the workforce aren't aware you have actually finished and it's an oversight, rather than a deliberate snub. It's bloody hurtful if they genuinely haven't bothered, but it sounds unlikely.

Where I work, there is one woman who generally organises the retirement/new baby/bereavement collections, and if she's on annual leave, it sometimes gets left and then organised later than usual. A friend didn't get her hew baby congratulations gift until the child was 4 months old and she was really upset, thinking no-one had bothered.