AIBU to worry my 14-year-old son is talking marriage?

[ThatElatedRubyCat]

My 14 year old son has a 14 year old girlfriend. They're the cutest thing. The lovey dovey stuff they do is mostly adorable but my son is saying he wants to marry her and she's saying she wants to marry him. It's getting too intense.

She became the center point in his life, his top priority. I know, I know, teen boys are gonna be teen boys but this is overboard.

The girl, she's autistic and she has only been in my country since this school year. My son is her closest friend.

I'm a little concerned that the emotions are too intense.

They're just swept up in the rush of first love. He probably won't even remember her name 20 years from now.

First love, first crushes, can feel very intense. Sounds like your son will love deeply, which is not necessarily a bad thing.

If they are going to have sex, it’s better if they do it safely. It’s ridiculously naive to think they won’t be thinking about it-if not now then soon. I would prefer they knew where to get a condom at short notice!

My middle son was 6 when he told me, he hoped he’d die before he grew up, because he didn’t want to get married .

I think I’d have preferred your scenario

14 …I knew girls pregnant at 12, a 14 yr old having sex with the ( older) boy next door..he was in the police. In fact, in my grammar school, most girls in my year had had sex before 16 .I was sneered at for being frigid, though I wasn’t the only one..still it was expected that girls sleep with bfs . Children? They are as old as they have ever been. They don’t see themselves as children .

“Well you might think about it in the future, so I’m afraid you’re still going to have to listen to my embarrassing lecture. Now, when you put your penis in a girl’s vagina, she can get pregnant. Even if it is only once, even if she is a virgin, even if you don’t cum. Teenage girls are very fertile, if you are having unprotected sex she WILL get pregnant, very quickly. Wear a condom every single time your penis goes anywhere near a vagina. Stick to oral or handjobs if you don’t have a condom. Do not get carried away, and do not believe any ridiculous urban myths about not getting pregnant standing up or any other rubbish like that”.

Just talk at him, regardless of his embarrassment. Text it to him if he doesn’t listen. Better embarrassed for ten minutes than a teen dad.

Appropriate username.

It used to be teens seemed to just want to get the highest body count possible, and would never discuss marriage. At least this shows care and respect.
They can't marry until 18 now (or are you in Scotland). Just occasionally, high school sweethearts do marry, but it is unlikely.

He's doing excellent at school. His extracurricular is karate, which is her extracurricular.

I make sure my son has access to condoms.

This maybe too American for this site but I compared using condoms as a teen to using a gun. Please avoid using it unless you really have to. Please avoid situations where you have to use it. Please be safe.

Don't worry, I did other lectures where I phrased it in a different way.

My point is to give the option to use but don't make it sound like a good idea to use.

I don't know your dynamic but for my situation, I would be concerned if my son had a girlfriend he liked that much and I haven't met her yet.

Again, different dynamic for me.

Ok, they want to get married. Your ds needs to understand the responsibilities. Both he and he girlfriend need to prepare the foundations of their future, so they can get decent jobs and afford their marital home. So that means knuckling down and studying during exam years so they can afford to marry and live together.

it will likely fizzle out, but just in case make sure you discuss that if he loves her the best thing for both of them, especially her health due to pregnancy risk, is to wait until older for a sexual relationship and also to discuss contraception.

That's a very unique perspective.

How do you talk to your kid(s) about dating?

Encourage him to do another extra curricular activity that doesn’t involve her, alongside the karate. It’s so important to have friends and not have all of his focus on one person. At 14, I had crushes and would have liked to have kissed a boy (didn’t happen until 16) but definitely didn’t want sex or marriage. He should be focused on schooling, friends, sports and hobbies at this age.

I fear if I encourage to do another sport, he'll pick football (American football). I think he's significantly safer in karate than football.

If I encourage him to do an academic extracurricular, she may join him.

Maybe the more they see of each other, the sooner they will fall out?

I wouldn't be panicking at this point. It sounds quite normal. If they're doing well at school, that's good. Do they still see other friends? I'd probably be concerned if they weren't seeing others socially as well, but if they are still keeping things balanced there, it's probably okay. They can't legally get married yet, and things may have changed by the time they can.

And if they don't change... one couple I was at school with, got together at 14, married at 21 after graduating from first degrees, no children till their 30s, still together now we're all mid-50s. It can work. (To be fair, most couples at that time broke up before we all left school.)

I have two gorgeous girlfriends who both met their future husbands at 14. They're each happy in their marriages at 60+
However that's the fairy story.
You may or not have to find how to support them both if they break up. Young hearts eh? 💕
My DC's have both been heartbroken and it was heartbreaking to watch.
In their younger days.
Keep it tidy ❤️

I'm sorry your kid has been heartbroken

They do have other friends.

I had friends who got "engaged" at 14ish. Everyone laughed and told them not to be silly.

30 years later they're married with 3 young children.

@ThatElatedRubyCat I have two DC's they were both heartbroken at different times in their 20s
It's hard to watch 😔
Anyway I still know people together forever that met when they were 14 so you never know it might be forever or peter out.

Since it's Friday, I got to see my son and his girlfriend hang out at my home after karate practice.

I have mixed feelings because they're so cute together but my son is growing up so fast. Having these strong feelings.

Do you associate with the parents on pick ups and permissions?

I do. Her parents are very supportive of the relationship between their daughter and my son.

Though I'm not sure if they heard our kids talk about marriage. Maybe that would be too far for them.