AIBU to worry my 14-year-old son is talking marriage?

[ThatElatedRubyCat]

My 14 year old son has a 14 year old girlfriend. They're the cutest thing. The lovey dovey stuff they do is mostly adorable but my son is saying he wants to marry her and she's saying she wants to marry him. It's getting too intense.

She became the center point in his life, his top priority. I know, I know, teen boys are gonna be teen boys but this is overboard.

The girl, she's autistic and she has only been in my country since this school year. My son is her closest friend.

I'm a little concerned that the emotions are too intense.

Well the lucky thing is they won’t be able to get married for a good while yet. I suspect by then it will have become a self-rectifying problem.

Hope contraception and sex have been discussed.
I remember those intense teen feelings.

When it's someone's first relationship especially teenagers and it's serious emotions can often get intense, I remember my first girlfriend around 13 we were always taking about how we were going to get married have babies etc, it's just children getting excited about being in a relationship, I personally wouldn't worry too much, but if it is concerning you have s chat with your ds and say you are concerned things are getting too intense.

A chat to tell him to be careful with the marriage talk?

To just enjoy his youth. To avoid potentially upsetting her parents.

I voted YABU because of the cute/ lovey dovey / adorable language you used.

Get your son into extra curricular activities asap or you'll end up with a grandchild to being up.

There's nothing cute about this relationship. The girl's parents need to give their heads a wobble and take better care of her. You need to pour several gallons of ice cold water over this.

medieval times they would already be married etc.

that said time will tell

I'm confused. Are you saying I'm right to worry or wrong to worry?

there saying your right to worry, and basically do what you can to prevent the relationship, however that could have the opposite effect and make the relationship stronger,

Oh okay.

Well, I don't necessarily want prevent their relationship. Just for it to be less intense.

My son was going to marry his first girlfriend when he was fourteen. They were 'engaged'. They talked about their wedding, he chose his best man, she worked out who she wanted as bridesmaids and what sort of dress she would wear

They were obsessed with each other..

It fizzled out eventually.

It is quite normal, they will calm down. Please don't worry except to make sure.....you know what.

Thank you

It's weirdly comforting that someone understands.

I do. It was sweet in its way, he was so protective of her - and she was older than him.

He is 47 this year and still not married! However that is another story, he does have a girlfriend who is about 44 I think, she's divorced with two children. He's a good chap, lots of fun and travels the world for work.

I will never forget his first love, how they used to talk to each other, so tenderly. She had a brother several years older and would occasionally smoke one of his cigarettes. My son didn't like smoking at that time and she promised she wouldn't do it any more.

She went away on holiday with her parents and brother, when she came back she was straight round to our house and confessed to son that she had had one cheeky cigarette while she was away. He took her hand and said, gently, "I forgive you". It was hilarious (I managed to stifle my laughter).

No harm done (no pregnancy), they went their separate ways.

Our sons sound a little similar.

My son is currently very sweet, tender, and protective of his girlfriend. It's very adorable in a movie sort of way.

For me as a kid, it was never like that.

In what ways is she the center point of his life and his top priority?

You’re overthinking it.

At 14 marriage is a party and a pretty dress and a big cake and just what people do when they’re in love. They don’t think of it as a legal or financial commitment.
Keep an open dialogue about him with it. Don’t shut it down but encourage him to chat with you about and help set sensible expectations.

A chat about consent and contraception and what not wouldn’t go amiss though if that’s something you've not already spoke about

He talks about her all the time. They communicate on social media a lot. His hobbies and free time are centered around her. He's trying to learn her native language. He's talking about plans about his future than involves her.

I've talked to him about consent and contraception.

With talking to him, I try to avoid the trap of invalidating his feelings. To avoid making him feel like I'm babying him.

It does work out sometimes, though I expect it's very, very rare.
I know of two romances that started very young - my daughter's Girl Guide leader who met her boyfriend in her class at secondary school and they married at 16 (she was in her 40s when I first knew her).
One of my neighbours - he was evacuated during WW2 when he was a little boy and stayed with his future wife's family. He went home but kept in touch and they married in their teens. He sadly died during the Covid lockdown so we couldn't go to the funeral.

You should be far more worried than you seem to be.

You should be trying to protect your son from the level of besottedness you have smiled upon. He needs to have his time and energy turned to something else.

The girl's parents should never have allowed this. She is ND, she doesn't speak much English, she is new to the country. She should be focused on school, on making friends with her peers (not planning weddings and babies).

It's not a relationship of equals, even though they're both 14.

At age 15 and 16, me and my first boyfriend were absolutely, definitely going to get married.

We even bought matching rings from a market stall and wore them.

we had a pact that we would never spend more than 2 hours apart. I used to sneak him into my bedroom at night, or I would stay at his, lying that I was at a friends house, as his mum thought I was 16. I skived school and he skived college so we could be together. We planned on having a baby as soon as he finished college and got a full time job.

A year later, I was bored of him and dumped him.

They are children, I wouldn’t worry. They talk a lot of shit.

She's saying tell your child to realise they are 14 and give them something in BG to focus on besides and inappropriately serious relationship for a young teen

It sounds like you're projecting some kind of disappointment from your own teenage years here, it's inappropriate to have this kind of lovey doveyness at 14. When you say it wasn't like this for you, it's not meant to be like this. Stop encouraging your child to have too serious a relationship when they are too young to fully understand it and more likely to have an inappropriate intimate relationship below the age of consent. Limit how much time they spend together for example

It’s hyperfixation. Is your son neurodivergent too? Maybe he’s getting caught up in hers. Itll wear off. I get this with guys, usually ones I can’t have (undiagnosed adhd) Once I get the guy it dies down eventually. My bf at that age told me to back off and give him time for himself lol. It lasted 5 years and it was me that ended it.

I think it's pretty normal, OP, tbh.

I'm 51 now but at secondary school, there were several kids getting engaged. One girl was 'engaged' 3 times in the 6th form to three different boys!

I knew lots of kids - male and female who intended to marry their teenage boyfriend or girlfriend.

Only one couple did and they're still maried now.

Yes, it's intense. But teenagers are intense...

I think it’s quite normal too- for the ones who don’t- don’t they remember being a teen? Emotions can be so intense at that age.
Intervening in any way that’s obvious really won’t work with a teenager.