How old is too old?

[Youremyannie]

I know there have been many many posts regarding how old is too old to have a baby. But I'm more wondering how old is too old to think you could still get pregnant and have a successful pregnancy?

Not many girlfriends to ask. My step-up had her last at 42 an my gran had her last at 49. But I see people on here struggling at 35+

But you kind of are?

Why does society get a say about what is too old but not our bodies?

It would have been interesting to know the answer to this. Shame the poster didn't respond.

OP asked " how old is too old to think you could still get pregnant and have a successful pregnancy?"
Snuggly replied that she disapproves of people getting pregnant past 35 and it would be interesting to know why that is.

No one on these threads ever talks about the future impact on a child born to much older parents - being an older grandparent unable to offer support to your child, the pressure on them caring for you in your old age as well as potentially having young children of their own etc. It’s not easy for the child (speaking from personal experience)

All kinds of things: DP is part-way through a Masters which will include spending some time in the Far East later this year; we’re due to get married this summer which will end my expat status and give me security (I would not have a baby on a visa); I am relatively ‘new’ in my adopted country and want to feel more established in career, relationship and general support network. And frankly, DP and I want to spend more time together child-free (we only met 18 months ago).

Like most things in life it’s a trade-off. I feel there’s a lot of judgment of women - especially women over 30 - who don’t put having children at the centre of their life. As if nothing else could possibly matter. If we start TTC at 38 and we can’t get pregnant naturally, and if IVF with frozen younger frozen eggs fails, and if we’re rejected for adoption, then… so be it? 🤷‍♀️ Life isn’t picture perfect no matter which path one takes.

I had my first at 33 and this was a good age, not too tired and easy pregnancy. Then my second at 37. This difference I noticed in how I felt was massive, I was exhausted for the last trimester. Couldn’t stand for very long and completely knackered my hips (I did already have problems but they are so much worse now). I definitely would not have another one now (I’m 41) I think I would be far too tired, also the thought of of being almost 60 with an 18 year old does not sound good!

For me the risks of disabilities or problem pregnancies meant I wouldn't consider giving birth in my 40s. It's not a gamble with my existing children's family life I was prepared to take.

I expect I could have become pregnant in my 40s because it happened very quickly for my three children, and I am still having (erratic) periods in my mid 50s. My mother's last period was in her 60s, god help me.

But no one knows how old they could successfully conceive and carry a pregnancy to term and give birth to a healthy baby. I had my last at 39. Could I have another one now (at 41), I don’t know, because I’m not trying. If I did have one now, how would I know if I could have had another at 43 etc etc. the only thing you can go on is population statistics which are obviously not accurate for you, unless you happen to be ‘average’ for the population.

People’s perception of how old they think they can have a child will be massively impacted by their environment and culture but those things have no impact on their actual fertility. People might say “I wouldn’t risk it past 35” but if they happened to get pregnant at 45, it might be fine. No one knows.

Another thought I have around the topic of maternal age is that there seems to me to be a huge variance in support for older mothers depending on whether or not they already have children.

I see a lot of encouragement of a woman who finds herself pregnant in her 40s having already had children much younger. It’s a “lovely surprise” and her teenage children will be “thrilled, because mine were!” and thread fills with congratulations and advice.

Compare that to when a woman is contemplating having her FIRST baby in her 40s. Then she’s “selfish”, and “why did she leave it this late”, does she have “any idea of the risks involved?!”, and - my favourite - “you’ll be nearly 60 when they leave school” (as if you stop ageing when you have your youngest after 40).

Is this just disliking of anyone who tries to have their cake and eat it? Enjoying an extended period of time child-free to focus on career, travel, dating, hobbies and personal accomplishments (not as extended as men, lest we forget) and still getting to experience motherhood is viewed with suspicion somehow?

It seems it’s okay to have a baby in your 40s, just as long as you have sacrificed your 20s and 30s to motherhood. 👍

I'm 45 with a 26 year old and a 21 year old. I don't think I'd cope with the sleepless nights now! On a serious note my aunt was 45 when she had my cousin and she is an old 78 year old now. No grandma duties for her sadly.

For me, because I’m the child of older parents myself, 38 and 48 when I was born. They’d both died before I was mid 20’s so not only did I miss out on having my parents around for 30 ish years less than my peers, my kids never knew their grandparents (or me my grandparents) and that’s an important relationship to miss out on. Family is important, to me anyway. Obviously anyone can drop dead at any age, but the older you are the worse your odds!

I’ve said this on other threads but I had two friends at secondary school with older parents. One girl’s parents were 48 when she was born- the mum thought it was menopause and they hadn’t wanted children. She had a great childhood and the last time I heard from her they were still perfectly healthy. The other girl’s parents were even older, I think around 51/52. She had a brother 25 years older than her which we all found wild and she became an aunt at 3/4 I think. She was embarrassed about her parents and used their first names. Financially stable childhood though…

Also knew a boy whose dad was in his 70s when we were 14, much younger mum though obvs. I don’t know, it’s not for me to judge. I know Victoria Coren Mitchell had a baby a couple of years ago at 51 I believe. It wouldn’t be for me, only because I had my DC young so my 40s and beyond are going to be my time.