AIBU to ask my ex to contribute to school trip costs?

[Trustmeits]

My ex husband pays CMS each month it's around £600 a month based on his earnings. My son (13) has a school trip next year which cost £1200. I have asked ex to pay half as I assumed maintenance didn't cover extras like trips.
He has refused and said it was my choice to go to CMS and I will have to deal with it.

He was offering a private arrangement which was for less than half of what CMS said he should pay so I felt like I had no choice.

I know there is nothing I can do, just wondering if I was being unreasonable asking him for extra for a trip. I'm going to have to struggle to cover it by myself.

What a short sighted opinion. He does fund his child every month with CMS. You can’t say he’s nasty or cba to fund his child just because he isn’t paying £600 towards a trip. You don’t know his finances, maybe he can’t actually afford it! Great for you that you’re such an amazing parent you sacrifice so your child can have ridiculously expensive trips, maybe his dad isn’t in a position to do that.

CMS is clearly not half the cost of raising a child. It’s pitiful! So no, he may part fund his child, but he’s clearly not pulling his weight when it comes to raising his child. A contribution to a school trip is the bare minimum I’d expect if I was getting a paltry £600/month! Plus, he can’t be that hard up if he’s funding trips away for his younger child. Raise your bar! Pathetic sperm-donor-only dads who opt out of the bare minimum should not be defended!

Paltry £600 a month...? What kid do you know that costs £1,200 a month plus whatever the OP gets in Child Benefit?

Some entire families lives on close to that a month

So you think you can’t raise a child on £1200 a month??

Not if you break down absolutely every cost, no. Look at all the studies that show how much it costs to raise a child to adulthood.

No, his dad doesn't owe more because he takes the son who does see him on holidays. It's older son's choice not to see him.

You asked, he said no. You can tell your son no, or save money for it. That's an awfully expensive school trip for a 13 year old.

his DC wants nothing to do with him now, even though he is providing £600 a month.

I mean, the ex sounds awful, but I don't think not wanting to pay half of an optional extra trip makes him additionally awful.

It would be nice but rarely happens

most schools have a payment plan. I’ve been paying mini blondes yr 5&6 trips £160 and £600 ish a little each month since yr 2/3

This study www.shepherdsfriendly.co.uk/resources/cost-of-raising-a-child/ (2023) suggests £190,124 to raise a child from 0-18.

That's £880 a month. Granted this was 3 years ago, but £1200 a month seems pretty generous even allowing for increased cost of living.

https://www.moneysupermarket.com/life-insurance/how-much-it-costs-to-raise-a-child-calculator/

Moneysupermarket suggests more but I suppose it depends on the standard of living you aspire to.

The mid cost in the link you provided is £195k. Works out at just over £900 a month.

I'd consider a 66% contribution to that from ONE parent pretty decent

A £1200 trip isn't an essential, so he doesn't have to pay towards it.

If your 13yo chooses not to see him then he's obviously not going to feel that bonded with him.

Mumsnet is notorious for thinking children cost thousands a month. £600 should easily cover way more than half of his expenses, unless you're regularly booking him on £1200 school trips.

So each month you (if you have a child or children) spend £1200 on each of them every month?

From his point of view he probably thinks he is paying a fairly high rate of maintenance already. It's an optional extra and really if his son wants nothing to do with him I can see why he has refused to pay. But it's not your fault.

Yanbu to ask.
He is nbu to say no (1.2k is loads!)

I think it’s unreasonable to think that he might want to contribute because he’s not taking ds1 on his trips with ds2. Contact and money are separate things and presumably ds1 would be going on these trips if he saw dad. I am not saying that he should see dad btw! He knows the truth.

And yet for the last few years my entire income was £1800. For me and 2 DC. Didn't get any maintenance.
So clearly the government think it's enough.

Not only do I think YANBU, I think your ex husband is a dick. You are not asking for the money for yourself, you are asking for it for his own son. And he is saying no to punish you, thereby harming his own child. I hope you find a solution and thank goodness you are no longer with such an awful man.

I think I just hoped he would be able to help me offer him an experience he would have had for sure if we were still married.

It's hard to accept he doesn't want to give the same. He contributed half of DD2 primary school residential which was £600 total.

I assume he thinks the £600 he pays should cover all expenses and school trips and my opinion is that maintenance is separate from additional extras like school trips.

Thanks for all opinions though, it's obviously not clear cut.

Absolutely this. Your son can’t have it both ways.

What is thetrip?
Why does ds want to go?
If is educational relevant etc then save 100 out of cms over next 12 months so ds does not miss out
Sell his old clothes on vinted he can help pack label and take to post office
You can make few hundred selling lots of bits and pieces

Technically cms is the legal contribution he is expected to make and he isn’t obligated to pay more. You are not unreasonable to ask though.

He showed you his attitude by wanting a private agreement that shortchanged his DC by hundreds of pounds. I found with an ex like this it is easier to assume you are on your own apart for what they can be legally forced to do and be glad you don’t still live with them.

I think I just hoped he would be able to help me offer him an experience he would have had for sure if we were still married.

When you were married, the pair of you were only financing one home. It is unrealistic to think that the same income(s), which now have to finance 2 homes, can stretch to the same extras you enjoyed when married.

This

I wouldn’t pay £1200 for a school trip in the first place.

It's hard to accept he doesn't want to give the same.

But you're no longer married. Your separate households have costs. The maintenance pays for some of your kids' necessary expenses, like food and shelter and clothing. But expecting him to pay for extras because he would have if you were together ignores the increased costs of separate households. Add in that the son chooses no contact with his dad yet you still think he should pay for extras like pricey trips, that's not how it works. He pays his support. That's all you're entitled to. He takes his younger son on trips because that's part of maintaining contact and including his younger son in his life, so he chooses to bear those costs. Your oldest has opted out of those by going no contact.