AIBU to ask my ex to contribute to school trip costs?

[Trustmeits]

My ex husband pays CMS each month it's around £600 a month based on his earnings. My son (13) has a school trip next year which cost £1200. I have asked ex to pay half as I assumed maintenance didn't cover extras like trips.
He has refused and said it was my choice to go to CMS and I will have to deal with it.

He was offering a private arrangement which was for less than half of what CMS said he should pay so I felt like I had no choice.

I know there is nothing I can do, just wondering if I was being unreasonable asking him for extra for a trip. I'm going to have to struggle to cover it by myself.

You can ask but unless you jointly decided to book the trip you can’t expect it. These trips are optional, mine never went on them because they were too expensive

More than a whiff of entitlement about you and your son @Trustmeits . I wouldn’t pay 600 quid for someone who refused to see me to go on holiday either!

It’s £1200 a month to raise one child? Really?

I think £600 for one child is quite a lot. I know someone who gets £400 for three children and we’ve all heard the horror stories of women getting a fiver a month. I’m not saying it wouldn’t be nice for him to also pay extra towards this trip but equally, I’m imagining this is one of the trips abroad. Very few children go on those, usually only the very wealthy or those where school helps towards the cost e.g children in care.

so the 13 year old refuses to visit his father but you expected him to spend an extra £600? If someone wanted £600 out of me the least I would expect is that person to ask in person!

She has at least two that she's mentioned.

Well their other shared child lives 50/50 so each parent pays own cost.
why would the ex pay toward other dc if not his? Op has been clear is £600 as half of costs for ds13

Well £1200 is a lot of money. It’s an optional trip. Yes your son wants to go but this is a considered costs that even if together your ex might say he doesn’t think good value or not prepared to fund it.

you asked him. He said no. So if your son wants to go and you agree you’ll need to pay.

what’s the backstory on why your son doesn’t want to see his dad - that’s likely relevant here

kids are not pay per view as is often said here. Why should whether DS wants to see his father have anything to do with his father's responsibility to give him the best childhood he can afford?

I didn’t say it was Pay per view. But likely the relationship they have is impacting a decision.

we don’t know whether ex can afford it, we don’t know if he agrees the trip is worth it, good value ( school trips notoriously expensive).

op is unreasonable to have asked, been told no, booked anyway yet still expect him to cough up.

of course, might behaved is a shit. But usually there’s more to the story than just that

Shit Dad who is financially abusive to his son because son doesn't want to see him, probably because he's a shit Dad.

Why do you expect a shit Dad to suddenly stop being a shit Dad?

Given he originally wanted to pay much less towards his son's upkeep, why would you expect him to pay for an expensive school trip? Also as it's presumably your choice to send him on the trip, not a joint one, why should he? These trips aren't compulsory.

A caring decent dad might agree with you for you son's benefit, but I guess you know what he is like.

So YABU in this case.

I initially thought you were being reasonable until I read that you asked ExH about paying half before booking a place - and he said no but you booked anyway. So you can’t have had an expectation that he would pay - you are just hoping he would relent. The relationship between DS1 and his Dad adds further complications- and although it may seem harsh, I don’t think your ex is unreasonable to maintain his original position as you decided DS1 could go knowing ExH was not willing to contribute.

That’s ridiculous. Is it financial abuse when any parent declines to pay for a £1200 ski trip?

Thanks for all the responses, some various opinions.

There are reasons why DS doesn't see his Dad he has been aggressive while he was in his care and has said some awful things to him. I was emotionally abused by him for years. We have CAFCASS recommendations that contact with his dad is harming rather than benefiting at the moment. Other DS has different experience of his dad. It's very complex.

In terms of the trips, yes it's an optional nice to have trip. I asked his dad a few weeks ago, he said no. I thought about it and figured out a way I could afford it on my own and then booked - I don't expect anything from him after he said no.

He earns upwards of 80k a year and doesn't appear to be struggling for money. I guess I had hoped he would have been able to contribute towards his son having an experience like this.

You asked, he said no, apparently you don't expect anything.... so why make a whole MN post weeks later?

Please explain how he's financially abusive?

I think I'd have asked if he could contribute anything for DS to go on trip rather than ask for half. No harm asking but he's already paying £600 pcm. How much does your DS cost to feed, clothe and his activities? The £600 he pays is supposed to cover half of DS expenses not all of them. You should get child benefit too.

OP never said the son expects anything.

Probably for the same reason most people do, they want to hear other people's opinions about whether they, or others, are being reasonable or not.

Why not? Noone forced you to read or comment🤷‍♀️

I could understand that in the moment... but she says it was weeks ago? And she obviously made peace with the decision as she chose to fund it herself.

No one forced you to answer my question to the OP either, but here we are on a public forum 😂

What a nasty man. Can’t be bothered to fund his own child. £1200 isn’t even that much for a school trip at a state school. Our last one was close to £2500 (week skiing). Honestly, he shouldn’t be surprised if his DC want nothing to do with him once they’re older. We give our DC all the opportunities we can and are happy to sacrifice other things to do so. I can’t imagine a decent parent being any other way!