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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School mum crossed a line or am I overthinking it?

88 replies

HangingHeather · 30/04/2026 14:30

I’m not sure if I’m overreacting here so would really appreciate some outside perspective.
I get on well with a mum from school and our sons (both 7) are friends. My son is quite an intense child and is currently waiting for an assessment for AuDHD, so I’m aware he can be a bit more full-on than some other children.
Recently though, she’s made a few comments that have stuck with me. For example, when I said I wasn’t planning on having any more children, she said she completely understood because she “couldn’t imagine having two of my son.” I know she might have meant it in a sympathetic way, but it didn’t sit right with me and felt a bit hurtful.

Then we went to hers for a playdate. The boys were upstairs watching TV and my son came down and told me his friend had put something on that wasn’t appropriate (shooting/blood etc). She did go up and speak to her son, but then she also told my son that he shouldn’t “tell tales” on his friends as he won’t keep friends that way.
My son was quite upset by that, as he felt he was doing the right thing by telling us. I’ve always encouraged him to come to an adult if something feels wrong or inappropriate, so I didn’t love that message at all.
I’m just feeling a bit uncomfortable now. I do like her and don’t want to fall out, but between the comments about my son and what she said to him, it’s playing on my mind.

Am I being unreasonable to feel bothered by this?

OP posts:
PoliteSquid · 30/04/2026 14:33

At 7 you’re either at or fast approaching a time when you don’t need to stay for a play date. What she said was certainly ‘off’ and you’re not overthinking… maybe just step back a little bit and spend less time with her.

Original poster
HangingHeather · 30/04/2026 14:35

I was there as she invited me as we’re friends too.

OP posts:
PeopleLikeColdplayYouCantTrustPeopleJez · 30/04/2026 14:37

when I said I wasn’t planning on having any more children, she said she completely understood because she “couldn’t imagine having two of my son.”

I would be hurt by that too. Generally I would be seeking out new friends for both you and your son.

JulietteHasAGun · 30/04/2026 14:38

I’d have politely pulled her up on both comments

“oh we love x, I’d be happy with 2 of him if we were having another “

”actually, we feel it’s important that x can come and tell us if he feels uncomfortable and that’s something we’ll continue to encourage “.

doesn’t have to be any drama , etc but just subtle way of letting her know actually her input isn’t welcome

Delici · 30/04/2026 14:38

Neither comment is ok. She doesn’t like your son.

Bellasmellsofwee · 30/04/2026 14:40

I just couldn’t be arsed.

3 children in, a million play dates, some with parents who didn’t like my child or made shitty comments.

You’ll find a few decent parents that you get on with and can have an easy laugh with, they are out there!

Ilovesshopping · 30/04/2026 14:41

I’d be offended too, especially by the first comment. I think I would probably distance myself from her. if the boys generally get on well then leave them to it, though I might be inclined to keep play dates at home so I could keep an eye on.

LOCOJDS · 30/04/2026 14:41

Ha! she didn't like her son being shown up to be in the wrong so had to try and make out your son was in the wrong too. I wouldn't be friends with her, she doesn't sound like a friend putting your son down whenever she can.

rrrrrreatt · 30/04/2026 15:51

I’d be hurt by her comment about how she couldn’t imagine having two of your son too.

It sounds like maybe she was the right friend when your children were smaller but you have different viewpoints that are becoming more apparent as they grow. Someone told me years ago that we have friends for reasons, seasons and life and it’s really stuck with me - maybe she was a friend for a season rather than life?

Tableforjoan · 30/04/2026 15:56

Her second comment was embarrassment that her son did something wrong.

The first comment probably stung as you love your son but she was saying she wouldn’t be able to cope. It’s a comment on how she feels she can parent not yours.

But I agree with others cool the relationship if you feel all she brings is these comments.

SingingHinny · 30/04/2026 15:58

JulietteHasAGun · 30/04/2026 14:38

I’d have politely pulled her up on both comments

“oh we love x, I’d be happy with 2 of him if we were having another “

”actually, we feel it’s important that x can come and tell us if he feels uncomfortable and that’s something we’ll continue to encourage “.

doesn’t have to be any drama , etc but just subtle way of letting her know actually her input isn’t welcome

Yes, exactly this. Both needed to be addressed at the time.

Still not too late, obviously.

notacooldad · 30/04/2026 16:05

when I said I wasn’t planning on having any more children, she said she completely understood because she “couldn’t imagine having two of my son.”
I think its thoughtless rather than malicious. Perhaps speaking out loud when she should have kept it in her head.
I probably would have been miffed, like you but that's because we are protective of our children.

If your close enough maybe air your feelings, especially about the second comment which I do feel should be challenged. It doesn't have to be confrontational. Just say what you said here, that you've always encouraged ds to speak to an adult if he is uncomfortable.

PurpleThistle7 · 30/04/2026 16:10

I don’t think I’d get over the first comment honestly. If you want to preserve the friendship you probably need to say something or it will bother you forever.

The second? What did the boy say? My son and his friends were (and are) nonstop battles in their imaginative play so some comments out of context could sound pretty bad.

TheBlueKoala · 30/04/2026 16:12

So she doesn't like your son that's clear. Also, she has no right to tell your son off for coming to you when he felt uncomfortable. Are you a people pleaser @HangingHeather ? Because my spontaneous reaction would be "that's not a very nice thing to say" to the first comment and "My son does exactly what I have told him to do - tell an adult if he's afraid". I'm sure sge will go on and say "snitches get stitches" when they are older and her son has bullied/hit your son.

Stand up for yourself and your son- she sounds like a horrible person and I would never let my ds be on his own with her and her son.

catipuss · 30/04/2026 16:12

I had a friend who said something similar to her DD when she was telling her about something that happened at school, sort of don't be a tell tale and wouldn't listen. I thought that was really off, surely you want to know what's going on if a child is upset about something. I mean it could be something really bad like inappropriate touching or worse if you don't let the child explain they must assume it's OK and they shouldn't say anything.

ACR7 · 30/04/2026 16:21

The first comment could be tongue in cheek depending on how close you are as you do say you are friends. My toddler is very full on at the minute and if friends family said I/they wouldn’t want two of her I’d laugh. The second comment was off though as it’s odd to encourage a child not to say if they feel uncomfortable with something and whatever was put on could have been scaring him.

deepdas · 30/04/2026 16:23

Probably best not to let your son go to her house without you.

MrsDilkington · 30/04/2026 16:32

Both examples give me the impression that she really dislikes your child. I'd have to take a step back from her.

ldnmusic87 · 30/04/2026 16:34

You both have different values, I wouldn't stay friends.

Feis123 · 30/04/2026 16:35

She is unkind. Keep away from unkind people.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/04/2026 16:37

JulietteHasAGun · 30/04/2026 14:38

I’d have politely pulled her up on both comments

“oh we love x, I’d be happy with 2 of him if we were having another “

”actually, we feel it’s important that x can come and tell us if he feels uncomfortable and that’s something we’ll continue to encourage “.

doesn’t have to be any drama , etc but just subtle way of letting her know actually her input isn’t welcome

This.

Something said gently but firmly in the moment is what’s called for.

Lovingapeacefulgarden · 30/04/2026 16:43

I would step back. She is rude and I suspect under the illusion her son is an angel. These parents are problematic so best avoided as are they kids because they tend to become equally problematic long term behaviour wise. I have pulled my children back from parents like this because they tend to blame the other child rather than accept there childs behaviour was an issue.

NormasArse · 30/04/2026 16:46

Bellasmellsofwee · 30/04/2026 14:40

I just couldn’t be arsed.

3 children in, a million play dates, some with parents who didn’t like my child or made shitty comments.

You’ll find a few decent parents that you get on with and can have an easy laugh with, they are out there!

Yes- I found myself sticking with the parents who had similar values; it was much easier!

JustSawJohnny · 30/04/2026 16:54

....she also told my son that he shouldn’t “tell tales” on his friends as he won’t keep friends that way.
My son was quite upset by that, as he felt he was doing the right thing by telling us. I’ve always encouraged him to come to an adult if something feels wrong or inappropriate, so I didn’t love that message at all.

I can see both sides, here.

She DID go and speak to her son to tell him to turn it off and she DOES have a point.

Yes, we should encourage our kids to speak to a responsible adult when worried about something BUT tattling over small things IS highly likely to lose your son friends.

My son has ASD and part of that is a very strong sense of morality and hatred of injustice. It's a great thing.

It is our responsibility to set our kids up for success and that does include helping them to navigate the often ridiculous social 'rules' of friendships.

As an ex teacher as well as a Mum, I can confirm that kids do not often enjoy being around other kids who 'tell tales' over small things.

If someone is in danger or being hurt, of course DS should speak to an adult, but running to a friend's Mum to tell them they're watching something 'inappropriate' is not going to end well for your child.

It sounds like you are quite an anxious parent and she is one of those somewhat brusque Mums who says it as she sees it. I've been there. I tend to take things to heart. Whilst that's an obvious clash, sometimes I feel like we do need these types of people to give our heads a wobble when we're being too protective or overly sensitive.

Fedup360 · 30/04/2026 16:57

I agree she dosnt like your son, I wouldn’t hang around with someone who has distain for my child.