School mum crossed a line or am I overthinking it?

[HangingHeather]

I’m not sure if I’m overreacting here so would really appreciate some outside perspective.
I get on well with a mum from school and our sons (both 7) are friends. My son is quite an intense child and is currently waiting for an assessment for AuDHD, so I’m aware he can be a bit more full-on than some other children.
Recently though, she’s made a few comments that have stuck with me. For example, when I said I wasn’t planning on having any more children, she said she completely understood because she “couldn’t imagine having two of my son.” I know she might have meant it in a sympathetic way, but it didn’t sit right with me and felt a bit hurtful.

Then we went to hers for a playdate. The boys were upstairs watching TV and my son came down and told me his friend had put something on that wasn’t appropriate (shooting/blood etc). She did go up and speak to her son, but then she also told my son that he shouldn’t “tell tales” on his friends as he won’t keep friends that way.
My son was quite upset by that, as he felt he was doing the right thing by telling us. I’ve always encouraged him to come to an adult if something feels wrong or inappropriate, so I didn’t love that message at all.
I’m just feeling a bit uncomfortable now. I do like her and don’t want to fall out, but between the comments about my son and what she said to him, it’s playing on my mind.

Am I being unreasonable to feel bothered by this?

She’s really nasty to speak to you and your son like that. You don’t need “friends” like her in your life!

I don't understand why you didn't say anything , there and then. It's not good to build up a portfolio and then approach this friend with all you concerns. Approach as they happen, not afterwards....l don't get it

@hcee19 Can’t speak for the OP but sometimes you just kind of freeze in shock, and you’re thinking “did she really just say that?” and if you lack confidence you think “and did she mean what I can’t really deny she meant?” and then the conversation has moved on and you’re still sort of frozen and stuck. But by then the person has decided that you’re a soft touch.

You decide later that you can’t have any sort of friendship or relationship with that person.

I watched my DC do it (freeze) on a FaceTime call during Covid. (What I mean is, I was a fly on the wall in this ‘friendship’ interaction, which one can’t normally be).

I sooo wanted them go give as good as they got wrt the insult but it’s not inside of them.

Time to nurture other friendships for both you and your ds.

She sounds like a complete cunt and clearly doesn't like your ds. Never let him socialise at her house without you there, to safeguard your son.

I would be pulling back from this friendship as based on your op it doesn't feel healthy to me.

I think both comments are very passive aggressive and would have pulled her up on the first one by saying a direct what do you mean by that? I agree with majority lifes too short to put up with these sort of people.

Actually I agree with what @L0V315 said about not letting your DS socialise with this child without you there - which cancels out my previous post about you not needing to be on playdates pretty soon because the children are getting older.

If she’s this cruel without you there goodness knows what she’d say to your DS when he’s on his own.

WITH you there, I mean.

Depends on the level of friendship and the tone tbh. These are the sorts of things you might say lightheartedly with close friends but probably not with acquaintances. Kind of along the lines of saying if your second child was a first you’d not have had another etc. generally meant as a joke. Also my friends little girl will come and tell tales (silly stuff she’d do herself) and we will tell her to stop. Again this a a child who is more like a niece to me. I’d never say it to a random school friend. How bad was the programme and had he asked his friend to turn it off first before coming to tell as working in a school we always encourage dc to try and solve their own disputes before seeking help from an adult.

I had a ‘mum friend’ a bit like this. Making comments all the time. My dd and her dd were close friends but I had to distance from her, in the end her dd started acting like her mother and her and dd are no longer friends either.

if I were you, I’d be distancing.

This

When my DD was around this age, she had a “friend” who made her life at school a bit of a misery by constantly telling on her. The friend would tell on her for the most ridiculous things, such as putting acorns in her pocket in the playground, or one sock being pulled up higher than the other. My DD was very much a rule-follower, and began to dread school because she was terrified of being told on, and the teacher’s response. She never got into trouble, because none of what she was doing warranted the teacher to respond, but as she was so young, my reassurances meant little. After a while, the teacher had to speak to her and told her to relax, and that she was doing nothing wrong. The friend continued telling on her, both in and out of school, and it was quite unpleasant to witness. The friend really did seem keen to get DD into trouble.

I remember thinking at the time that the “teller” would end up friendless if she continued on that track. I was friends with her mum, who seemed oblivious to what her DD was doing, despite it happening numerous times when she was there. There is the possibility that your son behaves similarly at school, constantly telling on others over nothing. If that’s the case, then your friend might have reached the end of her tether; she might be cuddling a crying child every evening because of your DS’s behaviour at school, as I was.

Years later, the “teller” is being assessed for ASD, and has ended up very socially isolated. So while I can understand you didn’t like what your friend said, there might be some truth in it, and there might be behaviours from your DS that you are unaware of, that are having a major impact on her DS.

She's not got much of a filter as it sounds that she says what she thinks.

Just try and step away slightly. Not worth the angst having a fall out.

If you were talking about why you've stopped at one, because of the challenges you're facing because of your son's additional needs...

... It's a bit clumsy but it's agreeing that a doubling of those issues would be more that she could cope with.

I have a lovely friend with only one child. I have three. When I'd talk about being knackered she'd agree and say she would hate my life; two kids seems a bit much and three would just kill her. She thinks I must be mad.

That's ok. She'd hate it. I don't, although I struggled sometimes. We were presented with very different challenges. I wouldn't have wanted to face hers, she wouldn't have wanted to face mine.

We still got on well.