School mum crossed a line or am I overthinking it?

[HangingHeather]

I’m not sure if I’m overreacting here so would really appreciate some outside perspective.
I get on well with a mum from school and our sons (both 7) are friends. My son is quite an intense child and is currently waiting for an assessment for AuDHD, so I’m aware he can be a bit more full-on than some other children.
Recently though, she’s made a few comments that have stuck with me. For example, when I said I wasn’t planning on having any more children, she said she completely understood because she “couldn’t imagine having two of my son.” I know she might have meant it in a sympathetic way, but it didn’t sit right with me and felt a bit hurtful.

Then we went to hers for a playdate. The boys were upstairs watching TV and my son came down and told me his friend had put something on that wasn’t appropriate (shooting/blood etc). She did go up and speak to her son, but then she also told my son that he shouldn’t “tell tales” on his friends as he won’t keep friends that way.
My son was quite upset by that, as he felt he was doing the right thing by telling us. I’ve always encouraged him to come to an adult if something feels wrong or inappropriate, so I didn’t love that message at all.
I’m just feeling a bit uncomfortable now. I do like her and don’t want to fall out, but between the comments about my son and what she said to him, it’s playing on my mind.

Am I being unreasonable to feel bothered by this?

Snip snip, cut those ties.and step back before you and your son get stuck with that sort of condescension

She may be on the spectrum herself and could be the reason why she finds your son’s behaviour triggering.

That's terrible. Try to find new friends for your son and then show him no one should tolerate ignorant behavior. People like that only get worse.

Read this earlier today - I think she has no business telling YOUR child not to tell tales. She is confusing him and may affect his self confidence and he won't know if something is ''bad'' and he won't know what to do if he thinks something is ''bad'' now -she is confusing a child's mind i.e. he won't know ''wrong from right''. Really out of line..

the first comment, maybe she was trying to be empathetic in a clumsy way?

the second one, she is right, no need to go telling tales and it is going to piss his friends off!

She feels sufficiently relaxed with you to be able to speak to your son and she is right, kids don't like tale-telling. It's not like anyone was dying. He needs to learn that you don't run to mum and dad, or teacher, with the slightest thing, save that for more serious happenings.

It was tactless of your friend to say she couldn't imagine having two of your son. People should learn to think before they open their mouths.

I'm sure he isn't too bad and he will calm down in time. We're all sensitive about our kids so I get how you felt but it really isn't a big deal.

The first comment would have done it for me , she sounds rude and bitchy

This is more of a general observation OP & not directed at your son given you haven't explained his symptoms.

Nowadays it appears every child who is full of life, energetic and generally high spirited has to be assessed for ADHD. Regardless your friends comment was out of order.

Why should she explain his symptoms??
what a weird and unhelpful comment.

It's good that children are encouraged to speak up if something is making them feel uncomfortable or they know is wrong. To say that your son shouldn't 'tell tales' otherwise he'll have no friends is wrong. It's different if a child is telling on another child over something minor and it's purely to get them into trouble (yes, children do this!). Your son felt uncomfortable with the content of the TV show, and spoke up. I'd say well done to you OP, for teaching your son, that speaking up is absolutely OK!

Clearly this woman finds your son hard work, and her comment regarding 'not wanting two like your son', reflects that. It was a rather insensitive comment, and she should have kept her opinions to herself.

I would be stepping back from the friendship to be honest.

Your DS is 7, he's at an age where running to a parent to "tell" on a friend over something like what they're watching will soon see him with few friends at all. If he has AuDHD he may well have difficulty reading the social cues that most kids pick up on by this age and work out for himself how to draw that line. It's important that you teach him there's a line there and give him a way to deal with it, not just tell him he should always tell adults. Your friend was doing him a favour and you ought to be doing the same.

She doesn’t like him. And she’s not scared to show it. She’s not really a friend.
i wouldn’t let ur son be around her.

The first comment is hurtful. It’s the type of thing you might say to your husband on the sly (I know plenty of 7 year olds that I would hate to have to parent!) but she shouldn’t have said it to your face.

The second example is totally inappropriate of her. She’s encouraging children not to disclose inappropriate behaviour?!

Id drop her. It’s really not worth it.

I didn't ask the OP to explain her son's symptoms.

If you are or have been telling her about the struggles with your son and the waiting fur an assessment, then she is aware your son is quite intense and why. Given she knows this, it is why she’s agreed with you about not he having more children as she’d find it difficult to gave two quite intense children. What I mean is that she’s mirroring your concerns.

her delivery could have been better for sure.

what I absolutely don’t agree with is about telling tales. It was not a “tale” as he didn’t make up anything about her son but rather, and rightly so, let you know something that made him uncomfortable was chosen to watch. I think at that time, telling the woman you encourage your child to tell you if someone is doing something that makes him uncomfortable and you’d appreciate if rather than discourage him, she support your approach

Not out of the blue, no. But if I was having a conversation with someone and they said they aren't having another child because it would be too difficult to manage with current DC, I may say that I wouldn't feel able to manage their DC with another child either. I'd say it as a way of letting them know I see they have it tough and it's not their capabilities that are the issue.

Somehow I believe that your empathy when saying that would have shown through and not affected the OP in the way her "friend" said it.

I’d probably act like I didn’t understand what she meant on both counts “sorry I didn’t quite catch what you meant there.” To see if she realises how insensitive she would be if she was to say the quiet part out loud that’s in her mind

We’re all different but I have a child with SEND and haven’t had any more for similar reasons. I would still be very stung on his behalf if someone was to say something along these lines to me. I would take it to imply that he’s somehow viewed as ‘less than’ or a problem to be fixed

Just would like other people's perspective.

At a playgroup my child was hit (slapped) by the managers son, he is known to hit...it kept happening to another child and that mum left as child kept getting upset to go to the playgroup.

Normally manager apologises, but this time when my son was hit she didn't. She just brushed it off saying sometimes they hit and will learn in due course.

I went back to her and said can you get your son to apologise as I want my son to know it's not the right thing to do. She said she would but didn't. I understand she was busy with her own 2 children and running the playgroup but it's left me feeling sad I didn't defend my son.
(They are very young just turning 3).

Later I did get a call about child being a bit difficult and dealing with more stuff and will try to get him to apologise next session.

I'm in 2 minds I know she has a lot going on, but I don't want my child to be hit and I love going to that group as lots happening in learning and play but I don't want to feel this upset afterwards.

I feel if the manager doesn't address or set an example then it's not reflecting good on what it's about.

Am I being too sensitive?
Should there be a policy to deal with children hitting like in care settings?

My DC is auADHD and I pretty much knew it from him being small. He is very bright, funny and absolutely lovely. I wouldn't change him for the world. I'm sure you wouldn't change yours either.

ASD children are very literal and have a sense of justice that they can't be talked out of. Similarly they are risk averse, hence your son not wanting to watch things that he knew might upset him. But I'm sure you knew all that.

I agree that she doesn't like your son. I'd find a way to weave @JulietteHasAGun's comments into a conversation with her, to let her know that she needs to fuck back off. Don't actively drop her, because that would hurt your son. As someone has said, pretty soon you won't have to put up with her and can send your DC's to each other's houses without accompaniment.
Just be open to cultivating other friendships for both of you. She is trouble.

I think this too. It is unkind.

comment 1 is it hard for you re your son? With his potential diagnosis? Did you talk to her about it? Could it be coming from a place where she understands why you wouldn’t want to have 2? I often saying can you imagine having two.. to my husband about our child! I literally cleaned up, went to put my cleaning stuff in the utility room and when I got back to the kitchen she had emptied the cupboard’s I had just repacked!
comment 2 did she mean in a snitches get stitches way? Still unkind either way. We have kids who come here for a play date and they are awful (manners, cleanliness, eating habits) but my child likes them so I say nothing! Oh and when they don’t play nice I just say okay then we won’t schedule any more dates in and they seem to settle!

I’m with you. Just be polite but keep your distance.

My Grandma had a saying “all parents should wear a muzzle’ her comment about you not having any more children was really rude and tactless - let’s hope her child remains an absolute angel for the rest of their lives as she wouldn’t want to fall from that Ivory Tower she’s placed herself and her child in 🙄🙄 I’d be putting her on the back burner tbh.

Yes that's incredibly rude - I can't imagine ever saying that to anyone!