School mum crossed a line or am I overthinking it?

[HangingHeather]

I’m not sure if I’m overreacting here so would really appreciate some outside perspective.
I get on well with a mum from school and our sons (both 7) are friends. My son is quite an intense child and is currently waiting for an assessment for AuDHD, so I’m aware he can be a bit more full-on than some other children.
Recently though, she’s made a few comments that have stuck with me. For example, when I said I wasn’t planning on having any more children, she said she completely understood because she “couldn’t imagine having two of my son.” I know she might have meant it in a sympathetic way, but it didn’t sit right with me and felt a bit hurtful.

Then we went to hers for a playdate. The boys were upstairs watching TV and my son came down and told me his friend had put something on that wasn’t appropriate (shooting/blood etc). She did go up and speak to her son, but then she also told my son that he shouldn’t “tell tales” on his friends as he won’t keep friends that way.
My son was quite upset by that, as he felt he was doing the right thing by telling us. I’ve always encouraged him to come to an adult if something feels wrong or inappropriate, so I didn’t love that message at all.
I’m just feeling a bit uncomfortable now. I do like her and don’t want to fall out, but between the comments about my son and what she said to him, it’s playing on my mind.

Am I being unreasonable to feel bothered by this?

Tbh I think her first comment needs more context. If you've spoken to her at any length about the difficulties you've had with him then she perhaps just missed the mark trying to empathise with hiw hard you find it.

The second one isn't on but I'd have pulled up on the spot and just reiterate that he'd done the right thing in speaking up.

I don't think it's a deal breaker though, everyone does things differently and I think in the modern day we are all so alert to the awful things that can happen to kids that we naturally feel a bit stressed wheanyone needs gives any messaging thst might maybe one day mean that a child doesn't speak up about something bad.

I really wouldn’t like this. I feel like she’s pushing the boundaries with you-feels a bit mean girl/bullyish. Be firm but polite and show her you won’t stand for it.

What do you say to those comments? If you're not pulling her up (gently at first and then more firmly if she doesn't take the hint and learn to bite her lip) then she is probably taking your silence as agreement with her observations and she'll likely get bolder in her criticisms.
Also for your DS's sake, next time she reprimands him for a value you uphold (i.e. telling a grown up when something is wrong) take his side in front of him.
It can be awkward but we are our kids best advocates, and I think I'd try to say something like: "That's true, but there is a difference between tattling and getting help when a mistake has been made. Thank you for telling us, Johnny."
Your friend might not love that, but it is true and it reinforces the message you've been giving your child and backs him up.

She’s a bitch.

I’d be really hurt by those comments and I would personally distance myself as a friend

fine if the boys want to hang out and be friends but that wouldn’t be someone I would want to spend time with anymore

Honestly op I think the best thing to do is to call her out when those types of comments are made.

"You shouldn't tell tales" - it's ok darling, if you have asked a friend to stop doing something you don't like and they continue you are absolutely allowed to ask a grown up for help.

"I couldn't imagine having two of your son" - that's an ... interesting thing to say to me, I'm quite happy with my son even though certain things might be harder for him. Then look at her and hold the silence and let her process what she's just said.

I think the less you hold your tongue the better as long as you're doing it politely. Plus it means your child can see you standing up for him which matters.

My youngest is autistic, I couldn't cope with two of him so wouldn't be offended by a friend stating the obvious.
I've always encouraged my DC to tell the truth and come to an adult if something is wrong. She is right that it can lead to losing friends but I do think it's an overstep to say that to someone else's child.

It Might be obvious but it’s still a bloody nasty thing to say, focussing on the negative traits of a child and ignoring the lovely positive things about him.

I had a friend who was equally insensitive and I put up with it for many years because ‘that was just her’ but eventually she crossed a line very far across and I just stopped seeing her. I just found my tolerance dropped for her lack of self awareness.

I did quietly tried to push back on occasion but I think either people have some self awareness or they don’t. If they do the minor pushback will work, if they don’t nothing ever changes.

Same as a previous poster, I now have 3 dc and I've learned not to give a crap and don't waste time on people like this.

I’m on the fence.

The reality is that most parents who don’t have a disabled child would say they wouldn’t have children if that meant having one with disabilities. The fact that a pregnancy can be terminated up till birth for even the most straightforward anomalies is testament to that fact.

Added to which, many parents who do have children with disabilities do actively choose not to have any more, for a variety of reasons:

• caring for one child with disabilities can be hard, the level of difficulty depends on the level of disability.
• people with disabilities do have a harder time in general life. Many parents wouldn’t choose to potentially put more than one child through those difficulties.
• and in the case of one parent I knew, her child’s difficulties were so significant (non verbal autism with major underlying behavioural issues) that he simply wouldn’t have coped with having a sibling, disabled or not. The crying baby, any sound from a toddler etc would have caused untold meltdowns, and his parents didn’t feel they could put him, and them, through it.

So while I think she shouldn’t necessarily have said it. IMO it was thoughtless rather than intentionally hurtful.

Telling tales is a difficult one. Yes a child should on some levels not feel they shouldn’t tell an adult if something is wrong, but there are degrees of wrong. Hurting someone/inappropriate touching etc are obviously wrong and should be called out. But “x is watching something he shouldn’t be,” while he’s essentially not wrong, is being a telltale and isn’t going to win him friends going forward. And as a child with disabilities who may struggle to retain friendships as he grows up, as children can be cruel, I would give it some thought.

She doesn’t like your son. And let me tell you from experience this will escalate as they get older. I had a similar situation and I now don’t talk to the other mum at all. I’d honestly phase them out.

Yip. This was not a nice thing to say.

I wouldn't like a 7 yo allowed to watch TV unsupervised presumably in a befroom.

She sounds like one of these people that have no filter and are ffff rude. I have an aunt like this. She has said multiple remarks out of turn to me and my now deceased mum. I am 1 of 4 children. 1 day she was at the door when I was little and she was talking to my mum about something and I overheard her say "well, you know, you dont keep your house tidy like me" i heard my mum say very short replies and close the door. My aunt is OCD(understatement) and only had one child so had the ability to keep her house tidier. She has said very rude remarks to me recently. 1 day i was talking about my sick, old dog and she just blurted "oh well, how much to just kill him?" I just was struck to silence. I dont know if its superiority and they think they can say stuff like this or that they are thick... but either way... i couldnt stand it anymore and rarely talk to her.
I will also add that she is a very lonely person and obsesses over her house non stop. I cannot stand it, but im not surprised she is lonely. She is selfish and entitled.

It's perfectly fine for you to say this about your son. I don't think you would say this about someone else's though, would you?

i agree and I'd also be taking a step back from this friendship. Her comment about you not having more children due to your son was crass and unkind.
I hope she didn't say that in his hearing.
Telling your son off because her son was watching something in appropriate was also dead wrong.

So true. I mean only you know what its like to be his mother, not anyone else, so why should anyone else have an opinion? I would find it insulting.

I don't know if the first comment is as bad as you think. If she'd said it out with a discussion about why you are sticking at one then yes, it's very rude.

But she was perhaps (clumsily) trying to say the right thing to give you reassurance for your decision. The sort of opposite of 'oh you are really missing out' but it comes out wrong

What a very unpleasant thing to say. She is either unkind or has the emotional intelligence of a gnat.

Her son was in the wrong in the second instance she didn't like being told so she tried to turn it round on him.

The first comment was rude and tactless.
People who can't learnt tact will ruin their friendships.
Keep things light and tactful.

Also just because the parents are friends doesn't mean the parents will get on and vice versa.
Practice coming back to people at the time when they say something off. Don't let them get away with it .
If something feels off it usually is.

Don’t let him “go upstairs” out of sight.

They don't sound like friends at all, I'd try to pull back from this. Just avoid future playdates.

How is she the rest of the time? Honestly if this is two small things among an otherwise pleasant friendship I wouldnt obsess over it. The first comment is just not very tactful and speaks to her parenting rather than your child. My kids have always been full on and lots of friends have said they wouldn't cope with their energy levels. Honestly I take it as a compliment. The second comment just comes across as over protective of her son. We all have a bit of the tiger mum about us particularly if we dont get another child. I probably wouldnt leave my child alone with her as does sound as though she doesn't 'get' him. But not sure there's a need to bin the friendship if it otherwise serves well.

Has he got other friendships? My son is quite hyper too but his best friend has the same energy levels so it's fine. He's been on playdates with a more meek child and it wasn't the right vibe for either of them. I think where the other parent was not used to a child who was as hyper they can look down on them even if they don't mean to. Perhaps your friends the same and finds him too much. I'm sure she doesn't mean it but when your child's low maintenance it can be a bit of a shock to deal with kids that aren't. I would have said something at the time if it pissed me off.