Is this empathy burnout?

[tortoisewoman]

I've found myself feeling a bit less generous with DP recently. We generally have a good marriage but they have completing a professional qualification, struggling financially (unreliable freelance work) and generally seem to find life quite difficult, leading to lots of venting and complaining in day to day life. I, on the other hand, am also freelance but a bit more financially stable (regular monthly income + more earning potential) and have more of a positive outlook on life. DP has improved massively since we first met in their general outlook but the last 6 months or so have been a real drag. I feel like every time there is a 'win', we get about 5 minutes of a peaceful, enjoyable household before there's yet another thing to complain about, be stressed or overwhelmed by. It's a lot and just makes life feel a bit joyless.

Recently (last week or so) I've found myself feeling more ungenerous with DP. For example, they really like it when I make them a cup of tea in the evening. Recently they've been asking every day, saying I make it so nicely and they love it so much. I make it, but inside I begrudge it a little. I have never had a daily cup of tea made for me, and if I dared ask while they were in the middle of something or had finished a long day of work (as I often have) I would be told no on no uncertain terms! It feels silly when I write it out, but I feel like it represents the kind of dynamic we're in - they rely on me for stuff and I want to help on one hand but feel a bit resentful on the other, which I don't like that all.

I just feel kind of cold and unempathetic to them more often than not. Has anyone else felt like this? How do I resolve it? 😬

They can be a singular pronoun if the sex of the person isn't specified. It isn't that difficult 🙂

She’s your wife

You literally post multiple times about your DW and “she”

So what’s the issue now?

There's no issue - I haven't posted for a long time so didn't realise it would be confusing to people! Surely my actual posting topic is more relevant than the sex of the partner...

The profuse and effusive thanks for a cup of tea every night…. Yep weird. Very weird

saying I make it so nicely and they love it so much.

unless a cup of tea is code for something else…. Weird

I'm getting empathy burnout with DH. He's unwell (needs heart surgery) at the moment, and is very glass half empty all the time. It's so draining to live with. My patience has well and truly left the building.

Funnily enough, he asked for a cup of tea the other night proclaiming exhaustion - I'd had a rotten day (I'm carrying the load at home and at work as we run a business together) and I just snapped. I'm not proud of it. Things were better for a few days but tonight has been a total wingefest. I wish I had an answer OP.

You have all my sympathy! I'm aware that in the grand scheme of things my situation is relatively petty, but I recognise the glass half empty attitude. I feel like it's one thing to say that things are going badly, you're stressed, etc. but then to make it your whole life and never be able appreciate things going even a little bit more okay is so draining, as you say.

It's the lack of reciprocity, isn't it. She's doing all the taking, you're doing all the giving.

The cup of tea thing sounds annoying. Surely it's normal for couples to make tea for one another, not for one person to do all the work. Except temporarily in times of crisis/ extra stress.

Do you or she have any children?

When she’s going all Shakespearean about her love for the cup of tea you make her, just say “how about you indulge me then tonight please. You know how I take it. Cheers!”

Exhausting. I’ve got empathy burnout with the OP quite frankly. This they nonsense. Is your partner non binary?

It’s been clarified, goodness knows why the op was evasive. Two women

Can't you just say " Can you make me a cup of tea please" ?

You’d think. Would appear not.

Op this sounds like your partner is expecting you to play a role in your relationship that you don't really want. They want to be looked after, calmed down, reassured etc. A bit like being a parent. The tea thing sounds like mild manipulation to get you to take on that role. You clearly want a bit more equality. This will be challenging because this is clearly their personality. Just start by saying no when they request the tea " No, I'm shattered and have just sat down....it's your turn". Or when they are venting say "You need to find a better way to process your work stress because I cannot keep being a sounding board like this, it's stressing me out". How they respond to your boundaries will tell you whether this relationship has a future.

I think gender ideology is total nonsense but your post was fine to read. It’s obvious OP is using the singular they.

I don’t think your situation will get better OP. Cut your loses and leave her. Good luck!

You seem to have checked out of the relationship. There’s a thing about a cup in the side being the final straw. It seems making cups of tea is the straw for you.

I had similar empathy burnout with a close friend and have quietly quit that friendship. More difficult with a spouse or partner, but to me it sounds like you have the famous mumsnet ‘ick’ and it’s hard to come back from that!!

I voted thee was being unreasonable because of thou use of they pronouns

I wish there was a laugh react for this 😂
Though if I'm being pedantic it would be "I voted thou was being unreasonable because of thy use of they pronouns" 😉

I'm glad it wasn't confusing! I really didn't think it would cause so many comments. I only chose the neutral because I wanted to see whether it would be assumed she was a man and get a different reaction, or whether people would judge the actions based on what they are rather than the sex of the person.