AIBU to worry about my teenager lying to his friends?

[Worriedwarriors]

My 14 year old has been telling lies to his friends.

He’s a fairly normal boy, albeit quiet. He has a nice group of friends though.

I do check his phone periodically and I’ve discovered he’s been lying to his friends. Outrageous, attention seeking lies. Claiming to have medical diagnoses and procedures he absolutely hasn’t had, claiming to have gone on holidays we haven’t been on, claiming to have achievements in things he’s never even tried.

I have no idea what to do. He’s had some therapy in the past as I was a bit worried how quiet he was. I knew about the lying at the time and told the therapist but she wasn’t at all concerned and said he was a well adjusted boy.

It’s now come to light again in my latest review of his phone. Plain as day, absolute blatant fibs that he’s text all his friends about.

He’s got football after school today and we have quite a long journey home when I pick him up, and I’m wondering whether to talk to him about it. I’m quite a gentle parent (strict when I need to be but I never fly off the handle) so I’d want to handle is delicately. Not least because I suppose it’s somewhat mental health related.

Does anyone have any experience with this? I have no idea what to do. He’s no longer seeing the therapist so I’m not sure I can reach out for advice.

Really its about you being quite direct and to the point.

I wouldnt shame him but equally id use his examples and senarios then go through the consequences of people finding out about these lies.

I also think its very common at this age but i do have some (older) family memebers and people in general life that are compulsive liars so you do want to nip it in the bud.

I also have a friend that used to be like this, we confronted her and i think the shock/embarassment did stop it in its tracks.

You need to do something but id suggest waiting until next week. Its not urgent and it will give you time to mull it over. You know how you always think of the perfect comeback to an arguement hours later in the shower? So take your time and handhold because it's not a personal failing and you'll navigate it as best you can x

He probably wants to come across as more interesting. Common at that age.

Are his friends responding as if they believe his lies? Or do they ignore them/call him out on it?

I assume he knows you check his phone?

If so, I'd just say you'd checked his phone and seen the messages and were wondering why he's telling people things that aren't true. Be curious rather than cross. He might not really know why he's doing it - but you can try to work this out together.

this is so common at this age they want to fit in and be accepted by their peers or want to be seen as cool/interesting etc. He is definitely not abnormal for this. What I would say to him is you’ve noticed he’s been telling some pretty big fibs to his friends and you just wondered why - is he not happy with his own life/what he’s got that he feels he has to make up other stuff or is he trying to impress someone/fit in. I would also say to him there is a high chance they would find out he’s lied and how will he feel then if they no longer want to be his friend or make fun of him.

My worry is that the embarrassment of me finding out, and/or the realisation that his friends could find out, will make him very worried.

i’m trying to think of a way to raise it, without causing him too much anxiety about it.

He can be a bit of a worrier and a people pleaser, so I don’t want him spiralling.

His mates definitely believe him!

He desperately trying to fit in/feel good about himself. I would say you need to help him get to the point where he feels secure enough that he is interesting and worth being friends with as he is without the embellishments. I think it’s a sign of low self esteem, but how you fix it, Im not sure.

I’m a one-woman cheerleading squad for this boy so heaven knows why he feels insecure. It rings very very true, nonetheless. He has a lot of insecurity.

It's very common in teens to feel insecure. No matter how much their mum cheerleads for them.

They want validation among their peers and will say some silly things to get it.

I'd say that you should warn him that the more lies he tells, the more likely he'll be found out. Then he won't be trusted or believed about things that are true. And are much more important than silly brags.

Had he ever seen Jay from the Inbetweeners? If not maybe you should let him watch that!

Is it a case of someone saying "oh yeah I'm going to Spain/Greece/skiing" and him saying he's already been (or also going) on similar holidays? Or a friend mentioning a sport and him then saying he used to do that and got medals for it?

Or is he starting the conversations?

I think there's a difference between those two scenarios

He is starting them! He’s making the most random claims. He claimed to have taken time off school to have his wisdom teeth out, and went into quite a lot of detail. He’d actually been off with an ear infection.

I’d raise it directly but maybe I’d frame it as though I think he is joking to his friends rather than outright lying to them. It might make the conversation less difficult. ‘Why are you telling ridiculous lies to your friends’ sounds way more cutting than ‘OMG I can’t believe that your friends are falling for your silly stories, I hope you tell them you are joking?’ Iyswim

This is not common behaviour surely. OPs DS is making up a parallel existence. One day maybe he is going to have a girlfriend/boyfriend. If that person is PPs child and he feeds them with these lies will PPs all be saying it is just him lacking confidence or him growing up?

One of the first rules I gave to my now ADD, many years ago when she started secondary school was that she should never lie to me because I will always find out. And I did! That rule also extends to her friends, family and the wider community.

My ADD has a friend who is and always has been a pathological liar to the point that their friendship group, which began at secondary school, do not even know what she does for a living. Apparently she is an international lawyer. She really isn’t!

OP, talk to him. He may laugh it off and give every reason to not be worried. But he is your DS and he has to know that you know.

I believe it is a common adolescent phase. I vaguely remember my brother going through a phase of lying.

My daughter knows a girl that tells lies all the time. She’s known her for many years and the lies have caught up with her. She’s known as a liar and people don’t take her seriously and she doesn’t have any close friends as they can’t believe anything she says.
I would tackle it sooner rather than later, impressing upon him that he has to have a good memory to keep up with all the lies and that they will catch up with him and people will not trust him once he’s known as a liar.

I don’t think it’s is common. I’ve never experienced it either as a teen or as a stepmother to three teens. What I did encounter was a teen who lied compulsively and then started to go off the rails quite seriously. Example, slept in for work after a work night out, text his boss saying he’d attempted suicide and he’d been left paralysed (but still able to use his phone) this quickly escalated to low level fraud but fraud all the same. I’d known this boy since he was 7 and the these things happened when he was 19. I’m not trying to scare you but I think it’s a bit more serious than trying to fit in/feeling insecure.

I would recommend him seeing someone again as there seems to be a psychological issue at play that a ‘gentle’ chat can’t and won’t fix.

They probably don’t. I had a friend like that in high school. Always pretends she had done things and been places she hadn’t. We all used to pretend to believe it and ask her loads of questions just to see how far she would take the lies. 14 year olds aren’t stupid unless he’s like sociopath level liar but then you have a whole other issue

14 yr old DS goes to school with a boy like this. Tells ridiculously lies, everyone knows they are ridiculous lies and just think he's an idiot. He's not doing himself any favours. DS tells me about all the stupid things this boy has claimed to do.

my question would be how do they believe him? My son and his mates know when each other go for a poo or in the bath, usually because they’re still on the phone. No way would any of them able to get away with stories like that. Saying that though they’re a varied group with some better off then others and all very aware of each others circumstances so none of them really go for bragging rights because some of the group (mine in particular) just can’t afford stuff. He does tell fibs about not wanting to do stuff though, he’ll text me and say “say no” then 10 seconds later I’ll get a snap asking if he can do something or go somewhere and I’ll reply saying no not this time because of xyz and then I’ll see him screenshot that reply to send and say “mum says I can’t” 🤣

Does he know you check his phone? If so surely he will not be surprised when you raise it?

I agree that it’s not common.

I would be direct. I presume he knows you check his phone (which is fine at this age). Just say you’ve seen the messages and ask why he does it.

Explain the consequences of lying like this - people will work it out, it will cause embarrassment on his part and annoyance and distrust on the part of his friends.

Tell him he’s got to stop but that you want to help him stop. Would he speak to the pastoral team at school?

Firstly, does he know that you check his phone? If not, then you need to handle it carefully, as that’s quite a breech of trust for him.
If he flies off the handle because you did so, then ask him why that upsets him? If you’ve breached HIS trust, then you can raise how upset his friends would be that he’s breached theirs, with his lies. And make sure that he knows you will be checking his phone in the future, as well.
Once the subject has been raised, ask him why he feels the need to lie to his friends. They are his friends, and like him for who he IS, not for the things he tells them about himself. Talk to him about he would feel if he found out that one of his friends was lying to him. Would he trust them in the future? What if something really bad happened, and no one believed him.
My (now adult) DC was massively insecure. They didn’t lie, but they were absolutely the class clown and “loud”. They told me that they HAD to do that, because otherwise their friends “wouldn’t like them”. It wasn’t true, but that’s how they felt. It can be easy to mask those feelings of insecurity behind a front of some description. Maybe he just wishes he HAD done those things. Could he do some of them … start a martial art class (brilliant for self confidence) or some other hobby that he’s interested in, so he has something to actually talk about.

I spoke to him. He does know I check his phone, although I don’t tell him when I’m going to do it. That said, I wasn’t specific that that’s how I knew. I just said I knew.

He was unsurprised that I knew. I thought he’d have a meltdown (not in an angry way, in an upset and embarrassed way) but he was really calm and kind of resigned about it.

He said he didn’t know why he was doing it and he knows it has to stop. I told him we’d work on it together and that if he got very worried about getting found out for the prior lies, we would figure out a way to come clean to his friends. I realise this maybe takes away some accountability or learning the full consequence, but I’d prefer to address the root of the problem. If it doesn’t stop, he’s absolutely on his own in terms of any consequences from him friends.

He didn’t really give up any info about the cause of it. He didn’t say much at all. But he was surprisingly willing to listen and to let me address it.

Thats really nice OP. I think you handled it brilliantly and I like the idea of helping him cover his tracks for now - its like an amnesty for the time being and keeps communication open between the two of you on the matter.

I would say hes addicted to the thrill/drama of the lie and that is why he does it. He needs to find another way to get that gratification.