AIBU to worry about my teenager lying to his friends?

[Worriedwarriors]

My 14 year old has been telling lies to his friends.

He’s a fairly normal boy, albeit quiet. He has a nice group of friends though.

I do check his phone periodically and I’ve discovered he’s been lying to his friends. Outrageous, attention seeking lies. Claiming to have medical diagnoses and procedures he absolutely hasn’t had, claiming to have gone on holidays we haven’t been on, claiming to have achievements in things he’s never even tried.

I have no idea what to do. He’s had some therapy in the past as I was a bit worried how quiet he was. I knew about the lying at the time and told the therapist but she wasn’t at all concerned and said he was a well adjusted boy.

It’s now come to light again in my latest review of his phone. Plain as day, absolute blatant fibs that he’s text all his friends about.

He’s got football after school today and we have quite a long journey home when I pick him up, and I’m wondering whether to talk to him about it. I’m quite a gentle parent (strict when I need to be but I never fly off the handle) so I’d want to handle is delicately. Not least because I suppose it’s somewhat mental health related.

Does anyone have any experience with this? I have no idea what to do. He’s no longer seeing the therapist so I’m not sure I can reach out for advice.

I do believe that parents should be checking their young teenagers phones, and as you say OP your DS knows you do.

It must feel so much better that you had the conversation with him and his reaction is not surprising.

Lying is not a harmless part of growing up. How many of us lied to the scale of OPs DS, when we were growing up? Are our own DC doing it? No one has got hurt by your DSs lying but he does need to understand that integrity and honesty are fundamental personal characteristics that will see him go far in life.

I do not mean to sound harsh and you OP have handled the situation well. No reprimand or punishment, just mums intervention and support. Good luck!

I used to be that child.

Mine story telling... ok lies... were probably for a vastly different reason to your son but some may track.

Mine were to cover up the fact we were very low income, that I was being emotional abused and neglected. It was to cover the fact I was deeply unhappy and felt shame about my real circumstances. This was primary school

As I got older to the point of your sons age and spending may years, withdrawn, shy, quiet, practically no friends and bullied relentlessly, I had found my people. I suddenly had friends and people who seemed to like me. But I thought I had to keep them interested, keep me interesting and thats when the story telling changed its reason.

I used to lie constantly as a teen, to open up the conversation or fit in I think.
I would suggest if you can afford it to plan some of those things he is boasting about, organising a holiday together that’s a bit different perhaps a long weekend to Amsterdam or trying indoor skydiving for example.
Not so much rewarding his behaviour but giving him real life slightly different experiences he can talk about with friends.

This reminds me of a guy called Will. He lied and the more we pretended we believed him the more elaborate the lies became. We used to regularly say “stop lying Will!” He was still a mate though.

teenage years is about awkward conversations. “I’ve seen you’ve messaged friends some quite elaborate tales. Talk to me about what’s going on…” your role is to support and guide so it’s not one to lose your shit with him over by a chance for a bonding moment to help him. I’m not sure it’s normal but it’s not totally abnormal and I think they get carried away.

Assuming you’re a normal person now ((!!??) I’m very relieved to hear this!

I’m now a weird stickler for the truth if that helps!

My DH called me out when we first met 36 years ago and I just stopped overnight.

I think by that point it was over exaggeration for entertainment rather than lying but about really silly things and definitely more of a habit to the extent I don’t even think I realised I was doing it.

Name changed for this.

I used to lie like this - in quite a similar way to your DS. I was convinced for a while that I have an underlying personality disorder, but now I’m not so sure - as a whole, the profile doesn’t quite fit (I have very stable relationships, a professional career etc - minimal drama in my life…). To reassure you, I have a normal happy life with a lovely DH and two well adjusted teen/adult DCs.

I think that the lying started as a bit of adolescent attention seeking and turned into a habit/stress coping mechanism. I stopped lying by treating it as stopping a habit - examining triggers and learning to hold back when Im
about to lie. I am sort of cured now - haven’t told any big lies for about 10 years, but I still have to fight the urge from time to time when I’m stressed. I wonder if thinking about this as a habit rather than a terrible shameful secret might help your DS?

Incidentally , I never got ‘found out’ but what made me decide to stop was realising that basing friendships and relationships on lies was holding me back from making deep connections. Once I managed to stop, I felt so much calmer and happier.

this is the first time I have ever shared an account of my past behaviour and I hope these thoughts might help you. Something about your post spoke to me.