Small life or big life?

[Pufferthemagicjacket]

Two quite different options are available to me right now:

A: Continue to be SAHM. Plenty of time to exercise, keep house, go to appointments, have coffees with friends etc. Some days I feel very lucky, other days feel like I’m aimlessly drifting a bit. Can afford a few “nice to have’s” but lifestyle fairly basic.

B: Accept FT job. Enjoy “sense of purpose” and extra money, but this would be intermingled with quite a bit of stress and general feeling of overwhelm (have done before). Also, childcare issues. But financial security would be a plus. I would also pay for cleaner etc, so would get a break from some menial tasks that have been my job for a number of years.

AIBU to have no idea which option is best?! WWYD?

I get that totally and of course some people have no choice. My comment was aimed at those (and I know a few personally) who prioritise their career over the children.

I would definitely pick the job. You are so vulnerable as a SAHM. You never know, once you have been there a while you may be able to negotiate flexible/part time hours.

I had that option a year ago and went with option 2 (although I'm working four days a week, not five). I have no regrets. I was bored being a SAHM and as kids get older and get their own lives I think it's a bit sad to still be a SAHM with nothing that is yours other than going to the gym and meeting friends for coffee. I honestly don't miss my old life and I'm glad I dived back in when I was still young and energetic enough to do so. The alternative was to have effectively retired at 33!

Hang on, so only single mothers should work? Everyone else should stay at home with the children and hope their husband/partner is OK with being the sole breadwinner/sticks around/doesn’t die or become disabled?

One other thing to consider OP. You say that getting a job that is at your old level was 'a pipe dream'. Don't assume that if you don't take it now that you will still have the option in future. This really could be a one-off chance and I personally wouldn't turn that down. Ten years from now no one is going to offer you that opportunity - you'll have been out too long and the job market is very ageist these days.

Very unfortunate that nothing PT is available. Might that be easier to get if you were back in work than it is now? If not from this organisation than another.

I tend to agree that it might feel easier to give this a go when it feels voluntary. When you can leave if it's not working for you.

On the childcare issue, there's always unpaid parental leave. For both parents. Could potentially cover quite a chunk of school holidays if you need it to.

Define ‘prioritise’, I’ve never missed a sports day, a parents evening, DH and I between us have done all the school runs, I am here when they get home from school. Weve never needed to use a holiday club. We then earn well into the 6 figures between us where we provide for our children through tutors, holidays, extra curriculars and a large comfortable home. We have savings for their adulthood.

My career isn’t in spite of them, it is for them.

That’s not what I said or implied. At no point did I specify mums.

Such a lovely and considered response - thank you! 🌸

Enjoy your early retirement. It sounds wonderful!

Give the job a go and see how it feels. There is no shame in things not working out how you’d like. How would you know if you don’t try? And I say that as a SAHM.

However I will say, I love this ‘small life’. No one will ever convince me, that at the end of my life I will be saying “I wish I’d spent less time with the children” One day, if I’ve done my job right, my children will leave and make their own path in life and I will find a different purpose. I don’t believe that work is the only purpose there is though, nor do I believe wealth and careers make our lives “bigger”.

It’s parents who are so career focussed that the children do become secondary. They are so caught up with their career that they don’t do those things.

Right so a very small subset of working parents then?

The best route to a PT job is often taking a FT one and then asking to reduce or compress hours once established. I've done it 3 times now. You can legally ask for Flex working from day 1 now, but more likely to be seen favourably once you have proven yourself.

I was a SAHM until my youngest started school, then their father left.

Working p/t with three kids at two different schools, rurally with no childcare and no public transport, I never paid more than the minimum into a pension scheme and didn’t fully understand the impact of keeping the house but forgoing my ex’s pension.

Now I’m retired, with full state pension but a SIPP that will only ever be a five-figure sum, and know I made choices without realising the ramifications for my old age. But I wouldn’t have missed the early years with my children.

I chose the small life and wouldn’t change it for the world.

Possibly.

You’re not describing any working parents I know at all. You’re describing a fictional Hollywood portrayal of the ball-breaking career woman who’s in C level meetings till 10 each evening and international flights every few days, while unbeknownst to her the son is a junkie and the daughter being abused by her bf while the nanny has her own issues and usually sends an Uber to pick them up from high school.

How would you know?

I'd go for B, every time.

Plenty of time for a 'small' life later in life. In fact, it's a given. You want to look back on past adventures and achievements, not years of domestic drudgery.

I'd get out there now, build up a pension, skills, and friends - and independence, because you never know when you might need it.

Your kids might actually need you more in their teenage years, but hopefully by then you CAN work part-time, or freelance.

Go back to work, you might enjoy it. Then negotiate a 3 day week or some working from home if possible. Best of both worlds then.

I was also in a lucky position to choose whether I worked when the children were young - we'd relocated out of London, away from an industry where I had lots of contacts, so I actually was (almost) starting from scratch. I've never looked back - I didn't go back to work at the level I had left it, but it was a flexible role (suggesting PT at interview stage was actually attractive to the hirer - I was cheaper, better qualified than others, so I could get the work done more quickly). I then started growing my career as the children grew, but stayed PT (2.5-3-4 days) until my youngest was doing their A Levels, when I took a pretty big promotion.

There have been intangible aspects to my working which I had underestimated beyond just the financial:

• DH has a lot of respect for me and my career demands, he is still the higher earner, but we're at a similar level of seniority and we both understand the demands that requires and can support each other as needed. I think he finds my ambition very attractive.
• The children have grown up seeing me as an equal to their father (in fact, I think they think I do a more important job than he does now). I hope we've modelled a good work ethic in them both (my eldest definitely - she sees and seizes opportunities with both hands, plus chases them).
• This one is controversial, but...I've got my own life and don't need my children's lives to define mine. This allows them more independence, I physically can't do everything for them, and now I see my peers who didn't work whose children have left home look a bit lost as they seem to have lost their purpose. Obviously everyone is different, but I can only comment on my observations.

My vote is to work, but definitely explore the offer's flexibility potential.

I think for me as well, and this is personal, but the financial freedom that comes with dual incomes. Life is short, childhood is even shorter; I want to go on that holiday, do that night away, let my child experience that extra curricular, go for the meal. It’s all about experiences, and that’s easier to do with money. There’s a compromise to be had with a smaller income. I understand the loss of time when working 80 weeks, but for most working parents that’s not the norm, and many of us have found ways to balance home and work life. For me, having money to enjoy my down time is key, and key to an enjoyable family life for the short while I have it.

They arent around much at all, I think it's because wages are so low in the jobs that
traditionally were part-time, businesses can afford full time staff.

Does it have to be all or nothing? I went to work when my youngest was 6, but it was a job that fitted school hours.

Mine are in their 20s now and still say how grateful they are not to have had to go to wraparound care. They had chance to relax and decompress after school.

Retail and other low pay roles are rife with mothers of older children who sacrificed their careers only to find themselves redundant SAHMs after secondary school. Chose the job.