Small life or big life?

[Pufferthemagicjacket]

Two quite different options are available to me right now:

A: Continue to be SAHM. Plenty of time to exercise, keep house, go to appointments, have coffees with friends etc. Some days I feel very lucky, other days feel like I’m aimlessly drifting a bit. Can afford a few “nice to have’s” but lifestyle fairly basic.

B: Accept FT job. Enjoy “sense of purpose” and extra money, but this would be intermingled with quite a bit of stress and general feeling of overwhelm (have done before). Also, childcare issues. But financial security would be a plus. I would also pay for cleaner etc, so would get a break from some menial tasks that have been my job for a number of years.

AIBU to have no idea which option is best?! WWYD?

That’s amazing, especially in today’s job market. Go for it. If it doesn’t work out you may be able to persuade your new employer to let you go part time. Unpaid parental leave can help with holidays.

I was a SAHM from when my eldest was born to when my youngest started preschool. I wouldn’t trade that time for anything but I went back to the workplace on half my previous salary and several years backwards in seniority terms and had to work my way back up again. But 12 years down the line since going back to work my income and savings are much better and my retirement plans back on track.

I was at home until my youngest started secondary school and then went back part time around school hours. Prior to having the children I was earning good money with good career prospects but don’t regret giving it up. Spending time with the children was much more important than fancy holidays, big house etc.

Neither plan c part time job that fits around the kids and gives you purpose it doesn't have to be anything fancy its not a money issue so even a few hours at minimum wage.

How's your husband dealing with the pressure of being the sole earner? Would he want you to bring money in to take the pressure off?

I disagree.

OP is a housewife/unemployed, rather than a SAHP at those ages.

There’s nothing wrong with it and people shouldn’t be rude about it but a SAHP literally describes someone who stays at home to look after the DCs.

If the DCs are not at home, then you’re not looking after them until they finish school - which is exactly the same as what a parent who works does.

It’s fine to choose this lifestyle but you can’t use the SAHP label indefinitely.
They still need parenting at secondary school and college etc but you wouldn’t say you’re a SAHP.

But if this is OPs choice, then no one should be rude about it.

Not a good move to be financially dependent on someone else. Suppose something happens in the future you would be stuffed.

Take the job and give it your best shot.

If it feels like a dream to be offered a job at that level and you've struggled to find part time work it seems risky to let it pass by. That cant be undone as such.

Wheras you can always decide it isnt working out and leave or ask for part time down the line or you might find part time easier to get from recent work experience. Its more undoable if it turns out to be wrong.

Definitely go to work. You never know what the future will bring.

For me this would the least attractive option. Either go back into the workforce because you want to further/pick up your career again or stay at home to look after the kids and have the benefit of flexibility. Since money isn't an issue working PT for minimum wage somewhere just for the sake if it will do nothing for your fulfilment nor your CV.

I would go with the FT job. You have been so lucky to have been offered this job after 7 years off. Take it and carry on looking for relevant PT roles. It will only get harder and harder to get a good job the longer you are not working.

For me it would be Option One, no question - children always come first in my opinion, until they are old enough to cope emotionally, whatever that age is. Then you 'find your purpose'.

Definitely number 1.

I was a SAHM until my youngest started school so nearly 8 years in total. I went back to work part time initially but within a year or two of that we ended up divorcing. I upped my hours to full time and for the first 15 years pretty much every penny went into keeping the house running and getting the kids launched.

I am now working a minimum of 55 hours a week nearly 20 years later (at the ripe old age of 57) in order to build my pension up to a level where I won't have to eat beans on toast every night in order to make ends meet.

Prioritise your own financial security as you never know what the future holds.

That’s always a risk, however some people prefer to prioritise their children over a career. People have got to do what they feel comfortable with and what risks they want to take.

Until food and shelter become free, they should regard working for a living as ‘prioritising their children’.

Totally agree. I can never understand why people have children then put them into childcare for hours on end.

Because children need food, clothing and shelter? I mean, it’s not that complicated. 🙄

Yeah but this isn't about other people though is it? It's about what OP regards as big/small life.

Jesus some people just looking to be offended.

In my experience, having just watched four rounds of redundancies and the traditional safe jobs go - choose working.

The whole digital marketing team - gone
The whole IT team - gone
Finance team - halved
Engineering team - halved

these were mainly men who were in well paying roles in their 40s and 50s. Now struggling to find work because they're being sidelined for younger applicants.

Never have just one income as you never know what's around the corner 💐

It may be easier to find a part time role while working full time.

The career and job world are very unsettled at the moment. Don't assume your DH is "safe" earning whatever he currently earns 💐

As I said, they need to do what they feel comfortable doing. Each to their own but I wouldn’t class putting children into nursery from 8-6 each day which I know people who do, as prioritising their children.

I agree with this totally - I know two people in my wider family who seemingly had lovely marriages, until they didn’t.

You never know when things like cheating or secret gambling debts can emerge, even in a supposedly happy marriage. Not to mention illness or bereavement which can change everything.

It’s always a good idea to have your own money, and keep up your earning potential.

Go for the job. What have you got to
lose? You can always quit if it’s unsustainable. Once you’re settled into the job you could see about reducing to part time.

Those children still need to be fed, clothed and have a roof kept over their heads.

I know what you mean OP. Fundamentally this is about temperament — are you the sort of person who is happier in their own space, making their own timetable, who isn’t going to get bored or anxious if they don’t know exactly what they’ll be doing at 3pm this afternoon. That’s just an inherent personality thing, I think. Sounds like you are one of those people — you would be happy with that, and probably less happy (more stressed, more overwhelmed) with a timetabled life in the office.

I think there are a few factors you need to consider. First is money; are you really confident you and your DH will have enough to be comfortable as you get older. Have you sat down and done the figures? What’s your income when you’re 68? It feels like so far in the future that it’s not real, but believe me, it creeps up on you fast!

And the second is that once your kids are teenagers, they won’t ‘need’ your company in the same way. (Kids always ‘need’ their parents’ company, but with teenagers it’s much less about big puddles of time spent together, and more about being available to them at totally random times.) If it’s the kids that fill your days now, are you completely confident you will have other interests/passions to fill that time in 5 years?

I can see it’s a tricky one. A hen’s-teeth opportunity to get back into your career isn’t to be sniffed at. You could try it for a year and give yourself permission to chuck it in if you hate it. And once you’re in a job it’s so, so much easier to get a different (perhaps p/t) job. So there’s a lot to be said for going back to work. But, as someone who chose the ‘small’ life myself a few years ago (very early retirement) — I have to say I absolutely bloody love it.

Earning your own living is not just “joining the rat race”. It’s a responsible thing to do. Families need money to live. Why should your husband bear the full weight of that if you’re able to contribute and have an opportunity to do so? Also, circumstances can change. I know of a number of main breadwinner husbands who have been made redundant or had to leave work due to health considerations. You’ve said yourself that your pension is very poor. You’ve had a good run at home. This sounds like a good opportunity - at least give it a go; you can give up the job if it proves unworkable.

If they can’t cope with their mother working at their ages, which the majority of their friends mothers will be doing, OP has been a poor parent frankly.

They will be fine. Take the job. Be their positive female role model. Spend the next week listing all the chores you do, and when they need to be done. Then divide list into three: your tasks, dh’s tasks, outsourced tasks. Find efficiencies (order Tesco delivery every Monday on the train for example). And be strict about household diaries - if dh is down to pick up and has a last minute urgent meeting - that’s for him to arrange alternative childcare. Not you to drop everything and swoop in.