To feel devastated - husband credit card up to £23k

[Willowtree87]

When I met my husband I fell for him for lots of different reasons, and one of them being that he was a stable and sensible person. I came from a really volatile family so the fact he was calm and “together” was really appealing to me (among other things). Another aspect of this was that he was financially responsible - he’d saved £12k and seemed to have good money management. I on the other hand had never learnt to manage money well at all. I was living in debt and probably also due to adhd could not get a grip of finances. I had a good job as a teacher but never lived within my means.
Anyway further down the line we bought a lovely house, got married. We got into debt over the wedding but had a plan to pay it off (around £8k). I know this was a mistake in itself but we’d had a tough time with my family being awful so I think we just thought let’s have a nice time and pay it back.

Despite best intentions we’ve never got rid of the debt. We’ve transferred it to 0% cards and managed it but never got rid. Various life events put us under stress and I think we just kept kicking the debt ball down the road if that makes sense.

Fast forward 8 years and we’re struggling under a large mortgage, elevated food bills, a house to renovate, two kids to pay for. I thought we still had the debt under credit and were chipping away at it. I think in the back of my mind I’d wondered if it might have crept up a bit but I still thought it was a manageable amount that we could get rid of if we properly focused on it.

Yesterday the debt crossed my mind and the fact I don’t have access to the balance on the credit cards bugged me and I said to my husband can you look into whether I can download the app for the cards even though my name isn’t on them so that I can monitor them too and make payments off the balance as and when I want to. He said sure. Last night I asked him dare I ask what the balance is at now and he said £23k. You could see the fear in his eyes. I was absolutely shocked.
Hes assured me there’s nothing untoward on there it’s simply food shops, petrol, house insurance lump payments etc that have made it go up.
i just feel so betrayed. He said he just wanted me to have the things that I wanted and didn’t want to say no. But im not high maintenance I don’t have any designer things. I do have adhd so I get fixated on doing things like decorating and fritter money. But I think if I’d known how bad the debt was I would have stopped the spending.
I don’t know what to do. He’s been up all night upset.
He has had a wage increase recently which he says means he can start paying off £600 per month off the card. The only reason he hasn’t done this yet is because we have to have some unavoidable work done on the house which is costing £2500.

how am I supposed to feel in this situation? My instinct is to team together to sort it out. I’ve taken the credit cards off him and we can get this debt gone with focus. But I also don’t know if I’m being a mug. Has he betrayed me? I don’t know. My family have betrayed me financially in the past and now I feel like my husband has done the same.

Agree although it does sound like there has been some spending on home improvements.

My mother used to get up early during cheap rate electricity to bake bread and she’s make her own yogurt. We need to go back to the way people lived in the 80s to cope with increases.

You need to take your head out the sand and accept at least joint responsibility here…however that alone won’t solve your issues. Recommend you take a look at Dave Ramsey Baby Steps and follow them to the letter until you’re both out of debt. Team up and work on this together.

It doesn't take any one big thing to go from £8k debt to £23k debt over 8 years, it's like compound interest in reverse, if you don't pay it off it just keeps going up. And if you are adding small amounts all the time it will go up faster.

OP mentioned volatile upbringing and reacted very emotionally to something which she directly contributed to, shifting blame to OP. Money conversations, or saying 'no we cannot afford it' can be hard, especially when people react unproportionally.

Someone mentioned communication as a couple and it may be a priority for OP to deal with longer term to avoid this exact situation repeating again.

You feel betrayal of your own expectations of him, can see the love of stability in your post after a chaotoc life before. I don't think he has done anytjing wrong here, nor have you. He could have told you , you could have asked sooner. It is what it is now you should tackle it together.

I’m conscious I’ve used harsh language in this thread and I apologise, I personally feel somewhat exhausted by people who “cant” both in work and at home.

But that aside, it does sound that DH knew that OP expected him to be the one in control, and that combined with him wanted to keeping her happy meant he actually lost control.

Then OP reacted by taking the cards off him and wondering if he’d betrayed her, while he was up all night.

The dynamic probably needs to shift fairly dramatically where you both become equal partners, equal decision makers and equally in charge of finances.

I strongly feel based on own experience that no human should be expected to be a white knight for another. If you have ADHD you take steps to manage it, the same way a diabetic doesn’t just gorge on cake and hope for the best.

You had £8K debt between you for the wedding, which you assumed was being paid back. Now you've discovered it hasn't been, and in fact has increased to £28K. That's a significant jump. It seems that instead of your husband being honest regarding the family finances, he's buried his head in the sand, because he didn't want to upset you. You equally have buried your head in the sand, because you had no access to documentation and didn't ask. Essentially, as a family you are living beyond your means. Yes, prices have gone up, and that's not going to change any time soon.

You both need to sit down with a spreadsheet of all outgoings. You then need to see if there's any areas you can cut back on. Yes, your husband's pay rise will help considerably but if there are areas you can cut back, that will help.

Neither of you have behaved responsibly. It's a joint debt, therefore you should both be aware of what's going on, and work as a team to resolve it.

It sounds like you just abdicated financial responsibility to your husband, so I don't think it's all his fault. You both should have been monitoring things. I manage all of our finances but DH knows how much we earn and would notice if we were overspending. It sounds like, deep down, you knew that there was a problem but you chose not to ask, and DH didn't know how to tell you. In future, everything needs to be in accounts where you both have access and take responsibility for keeping an eye on it.

It would be a good idea to set up a budget so you know how much you actually have to spend each month and limit yourselves to that.

I don’t see how your husband has betrayed you. It’s your combined spending and you chose to not pay any attention to your household’s financial situation. This is on both of you.

He hasn't betrayed you, you have just put your head in the sand not asking for all the information on a joint debt

I am at a different stage in my life ( much older) and lets just say things didn't go according to plan.

Things you can do without
Takeaways
Eating Out ( invariably an expensive disappointment)
Holidays
New clothes ( Vinted is fine)
Cleaning products
Handbags/makeup blah blah blah
Subscriptions
Things the children demand because everybody else has it.
Coffees out

Probably more.

This - but also, if work has been done on the house it may possibly be worth a little more now and as DH has had a payrise, the cheapest, fastest option may be to get a second mortgage for that amount and pay it all off now. After that, you put the cards away (close accounts on all but one account for emergencies), the repayment is spread over the remainder of the mortgage and you sit down and plan how you will budget (ie SAVE) for future large expenditure items.

This is a joint problem not a single problem ie your husbands.
you have been living in cloud cuckoo land
contact CAB immediately to go to a debt management agency you cannot do this on your own

You're using credit cards to pay for groceries and fuel. So you're living beyond your means. This isn't on him it's on both of you.
Cut the card up.
Look at all your outgoings together.
Create a plan, nice things to do with ids are a big treat not everyday. Find zero cost things to do with them picnics, parks, walks etc.
Once you've accounted for your everyday costs see how much is left. Agree how much goes on the CC debt. If it helps reduce the interest move it to other cards, but 0% is not 0%, you pay a fee so a loan might be easier to manage.

Hoping you can sort it between you.

YABU if you think this is wholly on your DH.

Hard though it will be to do, put your credit cards somewhere secure and lock them away. Or better still, cut them up.

The best credit is money in your bank account. Learn that and you are winning !
And change the word to credit to debt when you think about it. Credit sounds more respectable somehow, and for many people I think blocks out what it really is. What you are buying is a debt to be paid back.

Sorry to sound harsh but you are being a knob lumping him with all the blame.

You're a team, tackle it together. Poor bloke.

Not going to judge as it’s easy to get carried away with weddings. I did the same and borrowed on 0% interest credit cards to pay for some of mine.

It is what it is now OP. No more burying your heads in the sand. You’ve both got to come up with a plan and tackle this head on. Above all, don’t let this debt get any higher. Whatever you do. Can you take on a second job in the interim to get it down. Evening or weekend work in a bar? Cleaning? Split it between you maybe. Book some time once a week to sit down and look at finances together. Don’t take your eye off the ball again. Aim for manageable goals with it. Eg get it down to under £20k first. Then set maneagble chunks to aim to chip it down by.

Dont beat yourselves up over it. It is what it is now and you have to move forward.

Betrayal? Get a grip, honestly.

You were happy enough to spend and “fritter away money”. This is equally on you.

This isn’t fair at all. The OP said early on in the thread that they know they are to blame as well.

Absolutely this.

It's joint debt. YABU. Why didn't you take responsibility as well? And keep an eye on your spending. I'm sure you can find ways to cut back on credit card use.