To feel devastated - husband credit card up to £23k

[Willowtree87]

When I met my husband I fell for him for lots of different reasons, and one of them being that he was a stable and sensible person. I came from a really volatile family so the fact he was calm and “together” was really appealing to me (among other things). Another aspect of this was that he was financially responsible - he’d saved £12k and seemed to have good money management. I on the other hand had never learnt to manage money well at all. I was living in debt and probably also due to adhd could not get a grip of finances. I had a good job as a teacher but never lived within my means.
Anyway further down the line we bought a lovely house, got married. We got into debt over the wedding but had a plan to pay it off (around £8k). I know this was a mistake in itself but we’d had a tough time with my family being awful so I think we just thought let’s have a nice time and pay it back.

Despite best intentions we’ve never got rid of the debt. We’ve transferred it to 0% cards and managed it but never got rid. Various life events put us under stress and I think we just kept kicking the debt ball down the road if that makes sense.

Fast forward 8 years and we’re struggling under a large mortgage, elevated food bills, a house to renovate, two kids to pay for. I thought we still had the debt under credit and were chipping away at it. I think in the back of my mind I’d wondered if it might have crept up a bit but I still thought it was a manageable amount that we could get rid of if we properly focused on it.

Yesterday the debt crossed my mind and the fact I don’t have access to the balance on the credit cards bugged me and I said to my husband can you look into whether I can download the app for the cards even though my name isn’t on them so that I can monitor them too and make payments off the balance as and when I want to. He said sure. Last night I asked him dare I ask what the balance is at now and he said £23k. You could see the fear in his eyes. I was absolutely shocked.
Hes assured me there’s nothing untoward on there it’s simply food shops, petrol, house insurance lump payments etc that have made it go up.
i just feel so betrayed. He said he just wanted me to have the things that I wanted and didn’t want to say no. But im not high maintenance I don’t have any designer things. I do have adhd so I get fixated on doing things like decorating and fritter money. But I think if I’d known how bad the debt was I would have stopped the spending.
I don’t know what to do. He’s been up all night upset.
He has had a wage increase recently which he says means he can start paying off £600 per month off the card. The only reason he hasn’t done this yet is because we have to have some unavoidable work done on the house which is costing £2500.

how am I supposed to feel in this situation? My instinct is to team together to sort it out. I’ve taken the credit cards off him and we can get this debt gone with focus. But I also don’t know if I’m being a mug. Has he betrayed me? I don’t know. My family have betrayed me financially in the past and now I feel like my husband has done the same.

I think you both need to address the fact that you are living way beyond your means.

You can do this. COL is an absolute disgrace.
It takes time, effort, constant checking and reviewing and some firmly firm "Nos" to yourselves and your childrem.

You can do it. Dont get embroiled in silly schemes and advice and so on and Apps. Just focus on basics. coming in, going out, paying off debt.

Sounds like your husband has been holding the burden of managing this alone and now that you know about the amount of debt you're in (because you already knew you were in debt) you can work on it together as a couple.
If it's been with you for this long it's worth talking to a debt charity (step change) to see what options are open to you and to get advice on how to manage this situation so it doesn't keep piling up.
Life happens. My grocery shop is over £200 a week for a family of five and there's no sign it's about to get cheaper It's very hard to climb a mountain that's actively growing so you need some help.

You have not been betrayed. Please do not put this all on your husband. You even say if I had known how much the debt was I would have stopped the spending.
Do not either blame your ADHD. If anything, if you realise that it means you might not be super good at finances, all the more important to keep very up to date with what is happening with money.
You are a teacher. You hold down a responsible job. You are educated and intelligent. You will know you have to look over your finances and reign it all in.
You may not have designer things. But clearly the money is going somewhere.
It is a lot to get rid of but break it down into manageable chunks and targets.
Good luck.

Sounds like you both overstretched and were living beyond your means if it’s gone on household things

In May 2023 I had to face that we were in £22k of credit card debt, all 0% transfer offers had disappeared and I was about to not be able to make the minimums. There's about £8k left to pay off now, we should be free of the debt by the end of next year. We went to PayPlan and set up a Debt Management Plan and my god the last three years have been hard but the feeling of panic reducing as the money we owe reduces really helps. Get advice, whether from Step Change or PayPlan or even just start on the MSE forum. Debt can be managed. You just have to open your eyes and be realistic.

You haven't been betrayed. You need to step up yourself and take on the joint responsibility of managing finances.

Don't beat yourself up, OP - it is ridiculously easy to do this when the cost of living keeps rising. Things you're used to having cost more and you don't want to give them up, so you just kick the can down the road. That said, finances have a joint impact on you and your husband and so should involve joint decision making.

I would get your Experian etc reports and see what your credit score's like. Depending on that, if you can't get 0% cards for the whole amount, take out a loan to cover the 23k so that it's ALL paid off monthly. And no more cards. Sit down, do a budget and work out how this ends.

In my marriage I had a bit of the reverse. DH not taking any financial responsibility and me having to say at the end of the month that there was no money left to spend. DH would then ask well why have you left us in this position? It is not the only thing where he abdicates responsibility and I would patiently explain this is our joint finances and he could see we have little money left if he was willing to look (which he never was). I call this approach passenger syndrome, where one partner takes less of a role and blames the other when things go wrong. OP get a budget, stick to it and jointly manage the debt down. It will mean less going out, less holidays and economising elsewhere, but you either work together or this marriage will suffer.

You need to work together now to form a plan to start clearing the debt. First you should destroy all credit cards and live on the money that you earn.

Download the MSE budget planner and put all your essential expenses on there and see how much you need to live on each month and how much you have to throw at the debt.

Set up the minimum payment DD on each one so that you don't ever incur charges for missed payments. Look at the interest rates on each card, look at how much is owed on each card. Try and clear the smallest debt first, or the highest interest rate if it is much higher than the others.

You may not do/have these things, but if you do, they will need to stop until you can afford them

takeaways
meals out
nails/hair/beauty treatments
clothing
days out
holidays
tv subscriptions
lunches out

maybe try and budget for 1 thing a month so that you have something to look forward to

Look for free days out, local museums, National Trust free open days, local parks a bit further afield.

If you really can't manage to live, then you need to contact Stepchange and ask for their help to sort it all out.

Never ever have a credit card again.

@Willowtree87 You say you're a teacher. Can you mark exam papers to earn a bit of extra cash? I know it's not on just you to earn extra but with your qualifications there is an option there, I would think tutoring would be out as you have young children. You don't say what your DH does so not sure if he can earn any extra

I have a spread sheet for the credit card and everything and I mean everything spent goes on it. It helps now with no paper statement. Perhaps you could set a spreadsheet up for everything you both spend, it takes very little time

Good luck

It's not betrayal, I really hope you're not punishing him because this is really unfair and to have him up with no sleep, he must really be feeling under pressure and please don't pile on some more.. It's day to day living plus your jobs around the house and you're contributed to the debt, even though you knew you still had the wedding to pay off.

Now it's time to support each other, stop spending when avoidable, work towards cutting back and pay off the debt, see if you can pick up some work? It's not the worst amount of money but the interest will be very big on credit cards. See if there's a way of adding it to the mortgage or a lower interest rate loan?

With all kindness it seems like you BOTH buried your heads in the sand. Debt is horrible to confront, especially as you have ADHD, but you need to take this head on now - work together, get some professional advice. I don't think your husband did this maliciously.

The terrifying thing to me is that this seems to have been run up on 'normal' expenses - household, food etc. So you've been buying consumables on credit, which is never going to be great.

Cut up the cards, make a proper budget and only spend on debit cards. I also have ADHD and I KNOW how tempting it is to spend your way out of unhappiness at having debt, but you can cut it back if you work at it. It's not just your DHs debt if it's family expenses.

This isn't your husband's fault - unless he's really not telling you something, you both ran up the debt. You've had your head in the sand but deep breaths. You're not going to end up in debtor's prison - you just need to be much more disciplined about paying it back. It might be easier to open an account that's hard to access - 38 day withdrawal terms or whatever - and then pay the money into that and pay the cards off in big chunks. That's what I'd do anyway. And obvs you need to look at where the money is going and make adjustments to your spending. I haven't read the whole thread but life is expensive and I bet you're just overspending a bit on fairly normal things and it's added up over time.

You're being very unreasonable to blame your DH for this. It sounds like you just spend money and bury your head in the sand about where it comes from. Both of you should be managing your debts. It doesn't sound as though your DH kept it from you, more that you didn't want to know.
You both need some financial / debt management advice. Do you know someone who could help? Otherwise, I'd go to citizens advice and get someone to talk you through it and draw up a plan.
It might sound unmanageable but it's really not if you plan it properly. But don't just sit on it and let it get worse and worse. Unmanaged debt only ever goes up.

OP it sounds like your expectation was that your husband would keep you updated if the debt was growing but actually it sounds like you have just absolved yourself of any responsibility and not asked

Why should your husband have to make a point of telling you, why is it his responsibility to manage it and update you, why have you never asked?

He hasn't hidden this from you - as soon as you have asked he has told you straight away so there was nothing to stop you asking years ago.

He isn't your dad managing it for you, you are partners and should be looking at this stuff together. It sounds like you have been just as instrumental as him in building up this debt and it sounds like both of you fundamentally are living a lifestyle you can't afford whether that's a mortgage that's too big or indulging in trendy redecoration or stuff for the house you can't afford.

23k is not a small sum so basically you are probably living beyond your means to the tune of a few hundred a month or more.

Go onto moneysavingexpert site on the forum and read the debt busting diaries to see how poeple with similar or even bigger debt cope . Lots of advice and if you start your own diary they are really encouraging . People say it makes them aware of wht they are spending and it almost feels like a challenge on how to save money

Your marriage is the same as mine. Expect my DH didn’t take it as far as asking why I left us in this position. I also think of it as being a passenger in your own life.

You have 2 problems. One is an overloaded cc. The other is the communication on money in your marriage. Nothing that can't be helped though, or is that unusual really.
First you both need to communicate better about finances. Openly and honestly, and without blame. Don't go in in defense or attack modes, remember you are on the same team.
With regards to your credit card. Easy to blow out when doing renovations. Then life happens with its unexpected costs and the compound interest piles on. But whats done is done so you need to find a way out. Maybe see a professional budget advisor. They may even be able to negotiate with the bank for you.

As a family you've been living beyond your means. Once you are over the shock of this debt (& you are in agreement that the spending is what he says it is & not hookers & gambling), you need to get a plan together to address the debt & live your lives without going into debt.

YNAB is a great budgeting ap - I found out about it on MN & many here use it. You can both share the same account and once you've got it up & running you will be able to tackle that debt no problem.

Whatever method/tool you use, get budgeting. It is the easiest way to keep a track of frivilous spening & nip it in the bud. Its also very visual and you can see your debt reducing every month as you start to make better financial choices, & pay down the debt.

You can do this OP & I'd advise you not to take your eye off the ball financially again.

Over 8 years that £8k debt could easily get to £23k just with interest payments, you can't keep getting 0% finance. And if you have gradually added to it as well it's not a surprising amount. So I don't think he's been up to no good. At £600 a month or more if possible you will get it down just plug away at it, no non-essential expenses for a while.

Do not spend even one penny more than you really have to. Walk as much as possible. Children can walk far further than you think and it will have so many benefits.

No new clothes for children, shoes and pants only new. No new or secondhand clothes/shoes for you and DH.

Shop at discount stores and stick to list of essentials only. Make all meals from scratch and NO alcohol/lemonades/sweets etc.

Cut up all credit cards. Cut down as much as possible on heating and electric. You can cook a whole meal in the oven at the same time, including vegetables in water. No new household items at all. Only one tablet/tv/radio on at one time, everything else switched off at the plug apart from fridge.

Take pack-ups for your lunches at work. Go out for long walks to interesting places (free) and take a homemade picnic at weekends.

I know there are certain things you will have to pay, but I think you have both had a "head in the sand" attitude to money. DH and I have been in a very similar situation with children and are now fine with some savings.

This set up sounds odd.

What happened to the debt you had before the relationship, has that been paid off?

Do you work or contribute to bills?

It’s quite weird that you delegate everything to him in terms of monitoring bills, paying the bills, paying for renovations or whatever.

You sound either naive, easily manipulated or just silly really for not keeping a better eye on finances. I’m not great with finances either but it would have hit me at some point that someone needs a higher paying job to sustain the debt you have and the lifestyle you want.

You make it sound that none of this debt has been caused by you. You have gone through the years ignoring the debt and letting your husband deal with it. It is your debt too and having adhd has chuff all to do with it.

Unfortunately a lot of people especially home owners are in this position now. Spending up pre COL crisis with no buffer for when the economy tanked.