To feel devastated - husband credit card up to £23k

[Willowtree87]

When I met my husband I fell for him for lots of different reasons, and one of them being that he was a stable and sensible person. I came from a really volatile family so the fact he was calm and “together” was really appealing to me (among other things). Another aspect of this was that he was financially responsible - he’d saved £12k and seemed to have good money management. I on the other hand had never learnt to manage money well at all. I was living in debt and probably also due to adhd could not get a grip of finances. I had a good job as a teacher but never lived within my means.
Anyway further down the line we bought a lovely house, got married. We got into debt over the wedding but had a plan to pay it off (around £8k). I know this was a mistake in itself but we’d had a tough time with my family being awful so I think we just thought let’s have a nice time and pay it back.

Despite best intentions we’ve never got rid of the debt. We’ve transferred it to 0% cards and managed it but never got rid. Various life events put us under stress and I think we just kept kicking the debt ball down the road if that makes sense.

Fast forward 8 years and we’re struggling under a large mortgage, elevated food bills, a house to renovate, two kids to pay for. I thought we still had the debt under credit and were chipping away at it. I think in the back of my mind I’d wondered if it might have crept up a bit but I still thought it was a manageable amount that we could get rid of if we properly focused on it.

Yesterday the debt crossed my mind and the fact I don’t have access to the balance on the credit cards bugged me and I said to my husband can you look into whether I can download the app for the cards even though my name isn’t on them so that I can monitor them too and make payments off the balance as and when I want to. He said sure. Last night I asked him dare I ask what the balance is at now and he said £23k. You could see the fear in his eyes. I was absolutely shocked.
Hes assured me there’s nothing untoward on there it’s simply food shops, petrol, house insurance lump payments etc that have made it go up.
i just feel so betrayed. He said he just wanted me to have the things that I wanted and didn’t want to say no. But im not high maintenance I don’t have any designer things. I do have adhd so I get fixated on doing things like decorating and fritter money. But I think if I’d known how bad the debt was I would have stopped the spending.
I don’t know what to do. He’s been up all night upset.
He has had a wage increase recently which he says means he can start paying off £600 per month off the card. The only reason he hasn’t done this yet is because we have to have some unavoidable work done on the house which is costing £2500.

how am I supposed to feel in this situation? My instinct is to team together to sort it out. I’ve taken the credit cards off him and we can get this debt gone with focus. But I also don’t know if I’m being a mug. Has he betrayed me? I don’t know. My family have betrayed me financially in the past and now I feel like my husband has done the same.

Sounds like this is debt the two of you have run up together, you by opting out of engaging in household budgeting / finances, him by feeling like he needs to say yes to everything.

Next step would be for the two of you, together to sit down and go through the budget going forward and get some debt advice.

Citizens advice, Christian’s against poverty and Step Change are all organisations that work for free for you, and not on a commission basis. If either of you are employed then you may also have access to an employee assistance program and some of those do debt advice.

Thank you for all your replies! It was the honesty I really needed. I know we’re both to blame. We use starling pots to understand where we spend our money but it just goes so quickly. We can’t believe how expensive food shops are now and we cook most things from scratch and shop at Aldi.

Thanks for all your advice and the reality check. We’ve had a chat and we’ll tackle it together

“im not high maintenance I don’t have any designer things. I do have adhd so I get fixated on doing things like decorating and fritter money.”

OP, ADHD isn’t a “get out of jail free” card - by your own admission, you “frittered” money. A lot of us don’t have designer things - that doesn’t mean we can waltz down to the High Street and buy whatever we fancy. You’re a teacher, so you should have the intelligence to keep an eye on spending. You say that before you were married, you couldn’t “get a grip on finances”, but now, you are putting all the responsibility for the debt onto your DH. At least you have a plan, and are in a position to pay it off - but marriage is a partnership: you can’t just blame your DH and ask whether you’re being “betrayed” when you would seem to be at least as responsible as he is for the debt.

I don't see betrayal either. For some reason you've decided to shut your eyes to it. The £8k should have been cleared before you added a new home and 2 children into the mix. Neither of you prioritise the important stuff. I'd be giving your heads a wobble and getting some debt advice. Realise that your belts are definitely going to get tighter and that you both need to make a shift in your thinking. Get the advice first and then take it from there.

@Willowtree87

Read the title of your post . Nothing in what you've said in it tells us it's your husband's debt . It's both your debt . You are being very , very unreasonable to suggest it's all on him . Your wedding ( 8 years ago ) renovation of your home , 2 kids and food costs etc
How is that all his fault ?
You have basically buried your head and ignored it in all that time .
I feel sorry for your dh . Wake up and take responsibility .
It's 50% yours if you want to put ownership on it as you did in the title .

You act as if he is the designed 'responsible one' and like he has betrayed by - in your view - not being responsible. But that isn't fair. It sounds like he did his best and that you did know even if you didn't know know.

Your headline and most of your post are very unfair to your husband. As many replies have indicated you are equally responsible for the debt.
Glad you have had a discussion with your husband and agreed a way forward. @sesquipedalian has summed it up. Drop the 'woe is me' attitude and accept your role in the accumulation of this debt.

You’ve both lived above your means, spending money unnecessarily - it’s not down to him.

Stopping blaming ADHD, your family and him - and work together to sort it out.

MSE are good at giving advice.

.https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/categories/debt-free-wannabe

I understand what you're saying but £23k in debt isn't going to be because of the price of milk and bread in Tesco.

If this card debt has crept up from nowhere and is full of boring every day stuff then you cannot afford to live the way you are now.

Without seeing your balance sheet it is hard to say what kind of action you will need to take but it could end up being VERY drastic. It could rabge from "we should be cancelling subscriptions" to "oh shit we need to sell our house and live in a cheaper one".

The fact that you cannot pin point what big one time things make up this £23k is even more worrying and urgent.

Being the responsible one is horrible.
You have to do all the work and then you get blamed when something goes wrong while other people who also caused the issue deny all knowledge.

Glad you are going to work together as a team, OP and you have accepted it is a joint responsibility.

What happened to the debt you entered the relationship with? Did he pay it off with his savings?

Going forward you need a better way. We have a spreadsheet with all expenses on it, MSE will give you the categories you need. Include everything, car parking, birthday gifts for parties, ice creams when out.
Then set your budget, to include the debt repayments.
Then over a cuppa once a week check bank accounts and spending to make sure it is on track.
Overpay the debt with every spare penny.
Get your ADHD to focus on this and you will soon be free

I would advise that for this low amount, you do not increase your mortgage. Nor should you do that thing where most of it gets written off, as you will not be offered decent mortgage rates in the future.

1. Do not accept your DH's word about the 23K. It is likely to be higher. Get him to set up a credit karma account and give you the password. You will be able to check the credit card debt (and all other debts) daily
2. Make sure the credit cards are zero rate interest. Transfer balance otherwise. The interest alone will swallow up your repayments if you are not careful.
3. Pay it off very very fast. When the zero balance offers run out, you will be in trouble.
4. Do not leave financial responsibility to your partner. It's lazy of you and encourages you to spend recklessly, if he is a man who likes to feel like the provider and cannot say "no".

I've been there and am still there. Just pay it off as quickly as you can and learn from your mistakes.

Oh man that sucks! I have a lot of sympathy - I’ve just finished maternity leave and we had to up our loan a bit and it’s so annoying to feel like we’re paying back a loan that we needed just to live (absolutely our own fault - naïve how much we needed to save pre me going off and we’ve had a few things go wrong - washer kicked it etc).

I’d say team up is the best approach: two heads are better than one! I’ve started following some Instagram people who are working off debt and that is keeping us motivated.

Get rid of what you can that you don’t need - streaming etc. There are some good bank switch deals at the moment paying money for it! If you have a joint account and single accounts maybe do it for both? That’s a potential couple hundred quid.

TopCashBack for purchases we’ve been doing too.

Save the Change on your card you use for groceries etc (surprised how that’s added up tbf).

If you haven’t locked in your energy I’d have a look at that now too - meant to be going up isn’t it? Utility Warehouse offer a deal with gas, electric, phone contract and internet that gives you a cashback card which comes off of your bills I think? (We’ve not done that one because at the moment our phone contracts are sim only and dirt cheap, and our internet is cheap but when that contract runs out we’ll reassess).

Sending so much love OP - it’s hard but this (I feel) is a time to put your love for each your at the centre of it and turbo team up!

Sounds like you’re both to blame here. You needed to check the finances too - and not fritter away.
Id get a repayment plan together and maybe get some financial advice from a debt charity.

Start swimming in content about responsible financial living. Listen to podcasts, radio, youtube videos, audiobooks - get obsessed about being good with money. Sometimes I find I need to get obsessed about a topic timo bring about success with it...

This could start you off:

1. Dave Ramsey Show: American radio show where people call in with their consumer debt problems and get given tough love. I dont like Dave's personal affairs but the stories from the callers and the tough love are good to listen to. (Even if i dont agree with all of ramsey's advice) It will also make you feel less alone and less ashamed. Youtube and spotify
2. "How to Own the World" : audiobook, Male British narrator. Very motivating. Spotify
3. The Financial Audit : american, host goes through people's bank statements and everything unpicking how they are in such a bad shape and give even tougher harsher love than Ramsey. Be warned - Lots of swearing. No words are minced. Youtube and spotify
4. Cash Chats UK money podcast by Andy Webb - current financial trends products etc. Spotify

I have not tried yet:

• Peter Komolafe Podcast The Conversation of Money spotify
• The Money to the Masses podcast by Damian Fahy spotify

ETA - when consuming content like this you will be advertised all sorts of products, apps, subscriptions to help you get a budget etc etc - DONT BUY THEM. Don't fall for it, there is plenty of free stuff for you to use.

Definately spend some time on the MSE forums - the debt free board is a very valuable resource. You need to sit down and account for every penny (SOA). £23k while it seems a lot, is clearable but you'll need to both get your spending under control. Good luck!

You need to study the statements. If it’s general living then you are both responsible. It’s very unfair to only blame your h and expect him to have warned you as if you were parent and child rather than equal spouses. It would be very easy for £8k to turn to £23k without spending much on top so I’m inclined to believe your h.

You both need to learn lessons from this. It sounds like you both need to avoid credit cards once it’s paid off and start saving so that unexpected expenses like the £2500 repair mentioned in your post can be paid in cash. Paying stuff on a credit card and pay it later is a trap that many struggle to deal with because they end up in the situation you are in. You can get better at money stuff - especially if you honestly accept your personal
limitations like paying off a credit card.

@Willowtree87 as someone who had a long term relationship destroyed by gambling debt, hidden for years (his own account tho, fuelled by loads of pay day loans) id urge you to sit with your husband and go step by step through the statements from the 8k wedding.
At best, you get a plan together, at worst you see hidden things.

You then make your decisions from there.

If you really are needing to put food, bills and petrol on a credit card every month regulary you need a major overhaul of your finances

You both need to sort down together and set up a budget, write down everything you spend money on (and I literally means everything, even if it's buying a cup of tea at work for £1).

If he's going to put his £600 pay rise towards the debt you have 3 years until you're debt free.

But you both have to commit to the budget and try and manage the debt on 0% credit cards, if you can't keep tarting it around credit cards you may have to consider if a loan would cost less in the long run.

Stop blaming the ADHD. It’s annoying you’re an adult and not the only person in the world to have ADHD, myself included. Get a grip of yourself.

I think if you have an authorised user card on your husband’s account he should cancel it as you have admitted you fritter money away. If you think you need a credit card you should get one in your own name so you have more responsibility for the expenditure and payments. Then there’s doing all the stuff people have already mentioned. If possible I would seek debt advice from a reputable organisation that offers free debt advice. Citizens advice website will probably give a list of organisations with specific info in your area

You are both at fault for the mess you are in but somehow you are throwing disproportionate blame at your husband.

The overspending is not a new thing. It happened before you met your husband and continues now. Yet you expect your husband to rein the spending in even though you have shown no signs of doing it yourself.

Now's the time to go through your expenses microscopically and look at what you can cut back. 'Chipping away' at the debt is not good enough. A plan of action to get rid of it as soon as possible is needed.

Wedding debt left unchecked, large mortgage for a nice house, renovation and two kids over a relatively short time, as well as own spending summarised with a brief explanations that budgeting has always been hard because of ADHD as you tended to live outside of your means. You still do.

Honestly, you sound like you are living beyond your means. Costs have risen so much its easy. It happened to us, ended up in unmanagable debt just for every day living.
We went to step change, got all the debts on a payment plan, and cut costs. Those two holidays we had each year. Replaced for two years with a Sun caravan break ( was actually one of the best weekends we had). Takeaways gone, clothes shopping on amazon, food budget cut, only cook from scratch. Days out, cut to only free activities.
We actually earn really well, but we had let lifestyle creep and cost of living happen to us and didn adjust our spending.
We are noe half way through paying off around 70k of credit card and loan debt. And built better money habbits along the way.
23k is a managable amount if you work out how to pay for it. Prioritise things and cut spending. Maybe house renovations habe to wait for example.