To feel devastated - husband credit card up to £23k

[Willowtree87]

When I met my husband I fell for him for lots of different reasons, and one of them being that he was a stable and sensible person. I came from a really volatile family so the fact he was calm and “together” was really appealing to me (among other things). Another aspect of this was that he was financially responsible - he’d saved £12k and seemed to have good money management. I on the other hand had never learnt to manage money well at all. I was living in debt and probably also due to adhd could not get a grip of finances. I had a good job as a teacher but never lived within my means.
Anyway further down the line we bought a lovely house, got married. We got into debt over the wedding but had a plan to pay it off (around £8k). I know this was a mistake in itself but we’d had a tough time with my family being awful so I think we just thought let’s have a nice time and pay it back.

Despite best intentions we’ve never got rid of the debt. We’ve transferred it to 0% cards and managed it but never got rid. Various life events put us under stress and I think we just kept kicking the debt ball down the road if that makes sense.

Fast forward 8 years and we’re struggling under a large mortgage, elevated food bills, a house to renovate, two kids to pay for. I thought we still had the debt under credit and were chipping away at it. I think in the back of my mind I’d wondered if it might have crept up a bit but I still thought it was a manageable amount that we could get rid of if we properly focused on it.

Yesterday the debt crossed my mind and the fact I don’t have access to the balance on the credit cards bugged me and I said to my husband can you look into whether I can download the app for the cards even though my name isn’t on them so that I can monitor them too and make payments off the balance as and when I want to. He said sure. Last night I asked him dare I ask what the balance is at now and he said £23k. You could see the fear in his eyes. I was absolutely shocked.
Hes assured me there’s nothing untoward on there it’s simply food shops, petrol, house insurance lump payments etc that have made it go up.
i just feel so betrayed. He said he just wanted me to have the things that I wanted and didn’t want to say no. But im not high maintenance I don’t have any designer things. I do have adhd so I get fixated on doing things like decorating and fritter money. But I think if I’d known how bad the debt was I would have stopped the spending.
I don’t know what to do. He’s been up all night upset.
He has had a wage increase recently which he says means he can start paying off £600 per month off the card. The only reason he hasn’t done this yet is because we have to have some unavoidable work done on the house which is costing £2500.

how am I supposed to feel in this situation? My instinct is to team together to sort it out. I’ve taken the credit cards off him and we can get this debt gone with focus. But I also don’t know if I’m being a mug. Has he betrayed me? I don’t know. My family have betrayed me financially in the past and now I feel like my husband has done the same.

I don’t see how you think you were a mug . It’s both of you who are responsible for this debt and if you weren’t watching the card payments it’s on you also where you are both at . At least you know now so it’s good to knuckle down and pay it off .

Doesn't seem like he has betrayed you. It appears to be a joint debt. You chose to keep your head in the sand about the debts you thought you had until now.
He has been the one dealing with the financial side of things (very poorly).

It's time to work together to start making a dent in this now or it will just get bigger.

You need to sit down together, to go through the numbers. Get external help from someone to go through it with you if its too overwhelming to deal with. Make a plan.

Can you put the house reno on hold until you are in a better position?

Can either of you pick up extra time a work or get a second job?

I feel sorry for your husband. It is not his job to be in charge of the debt. You've had 8 years to get credit cards in joint names to ask to look a the statements, or even just to have conversations with him about the dept before spending out on house renovations. Presumably you do have a a joint bank account, where did you think the money for food shops was coming from if it wasn't from there?

You have created your own problem by expecting someone else to look after you and be in charge. You are an adult op. What you should be feeling is a little bit stupid for ignoring your debt for so long rather than anger at your poor dh. I can't stand it when women expect men to be in charge of the money and then wonder why they have no options in life.

It's great that the wage increase now affords you to work together to reduce the debt over the next few years. Make a realistic plan and congratulate each other once it's low.

He hasn’t betrayed you. Tackle it as a team now.
• make sure you always stay on 0% by using balance transfer deals
• remove credit cards from PayPal, Apple Pay etc so you can’t use them online and put the physical cards away
• pay the minimum each month
• start saving into a savings account - easy access but as high interest as possible.
• work out a monthly budget (realistic) and stick to it. Include savings and pay into savings first every pay day.
• once your savings reach about £5k - or whatever you agree is a good emergency fund • reduce savings payments and start overpaying on the credit card. For example £200 into savings per month and £500 extra onto credit card.

Don’t use the credit card any more - use savings instead for emergencies. Keep the credit cards on 0% interest and pay off over time.

Yabu. Take responsibility, you are an adult and you abdicated responsibility for this part of your life. Yes he was also irresponsible but you sound super princessy to frame it as a betrayal.

I agree with this post. You've had your head in the sand and you're not blameless with your spending. Work together to sort it out.

Unless you have zero knowledge of what you both own and what bill cost etc, you have just been turning a blind eye.

You say yourself that you fixate and spend, despite knowing there was debt. No judgment, I do the same, but his only fault here is not saying 'no'.

Yes he should have spoken up but OP you are married, it is also your responsibility to monitor the household finances and be mindful of your own spending. Also, 8k is a lot of money to put on a credit card, especially for nearly a decade ago, don't underestimate your joint decision that the wedding debt has placed on your overall financial strain.

I am amazed at how many people bury their head in the sand regarding their own finances, going into debt can have serious life consequences.

Write up a budget and stick to it, no more frivolous spending, necessities only. The sooner you knuckle down the sooner it is gone and you can move forward with your life.

Why are you allowed to be irresponsible but he isn’t?
You are both to blame here - just framing this as a him problem means you don’t ever have to look at your own behaviour.

I can’t see why he’s more to blame than you

You were in debt when you met, you wanted a nice wedding, you fritter money away, you ignored the situation and put your head in the sand yet you say he has betrayed you.

I think you are both at fault. I have ADHD too and compulsive spending but that’s not an ex use to blame someone else for not managing it, you must know what you earn and what you spend.

If anything I feel for your DH. You both got into debt over the wedding and only one of you was left to deal with it.

Honestly the one time I delegated part of my financial affairs to another person (paid professional) I lost £20k 🙈. You’ve got to stay on top of this yourself and trust no one.

The reality is you did this together.
Neither of you addressed it and both of you buried your heads in the sand.

You need to sit down (together)
Work out what you can cut back and what you can do to increase earnings.
Claude might be useful or chatgpt.

Money saving expert and CAB are both great places to start.

If you can afford a house and 2 kids theres no reason you shouldn't be able to clear it in 2 or 3 years.

I say this as someone who hates debt and generally advises the woman to leave.
This is completely different its joint debt. Not only thst you brougt debt to the relationship. You were aware of a large portion of the debt, you dumped manaent on him... you ignored it for years while suspecting it wasn't adding up / knowing it wasn't cleared. You both (presumably) agreed to have not 1 but 2 children without the conversation being had.
This isnt him, this is you (plural)

You need to tackle it together.

Stepchange, as suggested above, is a good idea. And I'd suggest a free app to track every single penny that you spend. When money was tight here I found it enlightening to see where it disappeared to.

First of all, you have both racked up the debt and by the sounds of it you "frittering" money is a big problem.

Secondly, you can't just ADHD as an excuse. That doesn't make it impossible to be sensible.

No betrayal - you are not taking proper responsibility and living beyond your means.

If you family is mean you don’t spend £8k you can’t afford to feel better. You know your ADHD makes this harder for you so you should be planning strategies to handle that.

Weekly finance meetings - start together. Throw everything at it. Your debt is an emergency and is only going to get worse.

I’d be fuming if I was him
you made all this down to him when you were both responsible

Betrayed??

Your DH sounds like he is doing his best to stay afloat whilst the two of you have lived beyond your means.

You have not been betrayed and this debt is both of your responsibility.

You're both really bad with money and live beyond your means. It sounds like you nominated him as the sensible one, but he's not that either. It's really not difficult to accumulate that amount of debt. It sounds like you have the income to deal with it, but only if you stop living beyond your means. It will need a concerted effort from both of you so that this doesn't become a way of life.

YABU for choosing to remain in ignorance about the credit card debt and not taking an active interest in it but now blaming your husband for a debt that you both caused, from the wedding onwards.

You are both equally to blame. Yes he should have told you the debt had grown so large but also, you should have been taken an interest earlier and been aware. Not you are both on the same page so that's good. Work as a team to get this debt down and be more financially savvy in future.

You don't sound ready to tackle the debt - either the 8k version or the 23k version or anything in between.

You're not ready because you are not willing to face up to the reality of why you are creating debt in the first place, or whose responsibility it is, or whose habits it is.

The answer is: Your lifestyle and both of you.

You can get out of this, being truthful about how you got here, looking honestly at whether you can afford the lifestyle you think you can (spoiler - you cannot. Changes need to be made), by work work working, living fucking frugally, making a budget and damn well sticking to it, both of you being nutcases about paying that damn thing down, and for a temporary time making paying off the card your top priority after shelter, food, utilities and transport.

This is how people get themselves out of messes....are you even ready though?

Framing this as 'his credit card debt' is very disingenuous.

I think this is your fault as much as it is your DH's. Yes, he should have been more responsible and put a stop to the spending earlier. But you should also have been responsible and kept track of how much debt was mounting up. I get that adhd makes things more difficult but I don't think that's an excuse - I also have adhd and just choose not to have credit cards at all because it would be too easy to let things spiral. There are plenty of things that you can set up to control your spending and saving if you struggle with this, but simply handing the responsibility over to someone else isn't fair.

Anyway, you are where you are with it now, and you need to work through it together as a team. I would strongly suggest that you go and seek professional debt advice so that you can put a meaningful plan into place. Debt advisers will be used to seeing this kind of situation all the time so they won't judge, they will just help you to consider your options for getting the situation under control.