To feel devastated - husband credit card up to £23k

[Willowtree87]

When I met my husband I fell for him for lots of different reasons, and one of them being that he was a stable and sensible person. I came from a really volatile family so the fact he was calm and “together” was really appealing to me (among other things). Another aspect of this was that he was financially responsible - he’d saved £12k and seemed to have good money management. I on the other hand had never learnt to manage money well at all. I was living in debt and probably also due to adhd could not get a grip of finances. I had a good job as a teacher but never lived within my means.
Anyway further down the line we bought a lovely house, got married. We got into debt over the wedding but had a plan to pay it off (around £8k). I know this was a mistake in itself but we’d had a tough time with my family being awful so I think we just thought let’s have a nice time and pay it back.

Despite best intentions we’ve never got rid of the debt. We’ve transferred it to 0% cards and managed it but never got rid. Various life events put us under stress and I think we just kept kicking the debt ball down the road if that makes sense.

Fast forward 8 years and we’re struggling under a large mortgage, elevated food bills, a house to renovate, two kids to pay for. I thought we still had the debt under credit and were chipping away at it. I think in the back of my mind I’d wondered if it might have crept up a bit but I still thought it was a manageable amount that we could get rid of if we properly focused on it.

Yesterday the debt crossed my mind and the fact I don’t have access to the balance on the credit cards bugged me and I said to my husband can you look into whether I can download the app for the cards even though my name isn’t on them so that I can monitor them too and make payments off the balance as and when I want to. He said sure. Last night I asked him dare I ask what the balance is at now and he said £23k. You could see the fear in his eyes. I was absolutely shocked.
Hes assured me there’s nothing untoward on there it’s simply food shops, petrol, house insurance lump payments etc that have made it go up.
i just feel so betrayed. He said he just wanted me to have the things that I wanted and didn’t want to say no. But im not high maintenance I don’t have any designer things. I do have adhd so I get fixated on doing things like decorating and fritter money. But I think if I’d known how bad the debt was I would have stopped the spending.
I don’t know what to do. He’s been up all night upset.
He has had a wage increase recently which he says means he can start paying off £600 per month off the card. The only reason he hasn’t done this yet is because we have to have some unavoidable work done on the house which is costing £2500.

how am I supposed to feel in this situation? My instinct is to team together to sort it out. I’ve taken the credit cards off him and we can get this debt gone with focus. But I also don’t know if I’m being a mug. Has he betrayed me? I don’t know. My family have betrayed me financially in the past and now I feel like my husband has done the same.

You are focusing on the wrong thing. Did he betray you by not telling you? Did you betray him by not asking and by making assumptions? It doesn't matter. Stop directing your energy at a dead-end question that won't help you move forward, and start working together to do everything you possible can to reduce that debt.

Make a budget. Stick to it. How many of those house renos are really necessary? Unless they're for your health or to keep the house in good repair, probably none. Cut back on spending on the kids. Can you reduce the mortgage by selling up and moving to a smaller place?

The best time to start being responsible was before the wedding. The second best time is now.

In no way is it a betrayal and you're jointly at fault. The £23,000's crept up over the years because of everyday things and rising costs. It's not as if he's blowing it on stag weekends, coke, and hookers. Give him a break, ffs.

I can have a go at that one.
NatWest.
Joint account.
The cc is my name and DH can't see the cards.
They've just changed something so his card now has a different number but I'm not sure it actually shows him still.

It's bonkers

Surely you should be more understanding about debt and impulsive spending if you have ADHD yourself? Your post is riddled with hypocrisy, you admit to frittering money yourself, being in significant debt in the past and generally not keeping track of the money yourself. You are trying to deflect your own poor spending habits by labelling your DH as the source of the problem. This is something you need to tackle together. I have ADHD and my responsible husband has begrudgingly paid off my credit card more times than I can count; I do understand the impact impulsive spending can have on finances over time.

I have ADHD and was always dreadful with money. Since having children and a mortgage I've had to focus and not allow myself to get into debt.

You knew you were living beyond your means, you have contributed heavily to this, you knew you were putting things on credit cards but have absolved yourself from the knowledge and panic and passed to your husband. This is on both of you.

Don't panic, 23k in the grand scheme of things will be manageable but you are going to have to be very frugal. Ask a debt charity to help you budget.

Very surprised this is how you are choosing to frame it.

Its very in the past to assume all money concerns should lay only on the man

Betray you…? From your DH’s perspective, before he married you he had good savings. Now he has a load of debt.

I suspect (because I have a friend with ADHD who is bad with money and gets fixated on things), that the words “fixated” and “fritter” are massively minimising. If you are anything at all like my friend, then ALL my sympathies are with your husband. I’d be very careful, if I was you, about infantilising him and using words like betrayal.

His comment that he wants you to be happy suggests to me that this is more about the challenge of managing you and your fixations, than it is about controlling debt.

Citizens Advisory can help you here.

Go to them, they can set up a proper way to get your debt repaid and help you from slipping into the situation again or further, even guiding you into managing your lifestyle.

It will hurt initially but it will make your family more likely to manage and have a better future but admitting you both messed up.

@Willowtree87 and please stop blaming adhd for your part in this. You are an intelligent responsible adult and have knowingly frittered money whilst having debt to be paid off regardless of how much. This is at least 50% down to you.

Speak to a debt advice charity about some form of insolvency like a Debt Relief Order. Your credit ratings have probably already tanked so being made bankrupt isn't going to make much difference.

Adding to my previous post.how we bave managed to dig a massive hole in our 70k debt, is to comw from a standpoint of not buying anything at all. I went from free soending to buying absolutely nothing that wasnt essential.
Example
Supermarkets.. easy yo put a extra treat in the trolley, grab a nice shower gel or something from offers isle.. I do not do that now. Just buy the essential stuff and leave.
Payday, mayb4 I think, I will treat myself to coffee.. I dont do that now.
If i need a new pair of trainers.. find the cheapest pair on sale that I can that will do the job. 35 quid adidas.. absolutely fine.
Daya out.. say no.. no to the ticketed attraction.. yes to the park or a walk in the woods.
Holidays.. cheap short uk breaks..not our usual main holiday plus anoyher european city break.
Just literally go from the standpoint of.. i am not spending anything this month that isnt essential.
We both have adhd and atruggled with impulse buys and keeping track.
Put all the spare cash in premium bonds.. not because they are premium bonds.. but because it takes three days to get your money back out. That three days is the safety gate for your money. Its the barrier between your impulse spending and your savings.

It's tough OP but it is possible to clear your debt, the first thing you need to do is agree a monthly living budget... and stick to it, use your adhd to fixate on it, then every spare penny goes off that debt. Don't add to it. Definitely don't use a credit card for life expenses, it's too easy to live in a perpetual debt cycle. I owed £30k at the start of covid... now my credit cards are completely clear and I have a nice savings buffer, I worked stupid long hours and budgeted well. But you have to do it together, no point you being a martyr if he is spending willy-nilly, and vice versa.

You had a job? Go back to work now

You let him carry the burden and didn't take an interest/carried on in willfull ignorance. Your equally to blame

I think it’s less about that it’s more that all the responsibility was initially put on him.

The OP put all the responsibility on him to do all the work for both of them. And almost accuses him of mis selling himself - he was supposed to be the one to constantly step up to fix things of her. He didn’t have the space to be human himself because he had to save her.

You cant use ADHD as a justification for consistent mismanagement & expect someone else to pick up the pieces.

I see this all the time with people talking about ADHD. It’s like they see people without an ADHD diagnosis as being immune from any challenges themselves. As if they never feel stress, overwhelm, tiredness or make bad impulsive decisions.

If OP “frittered” money without checking where it was coming from or where other money to compensate for that money was coming from that’s not on the DH, or ADHD, it’s on the OP.

I don't think it's fair to blame him if you turned a blind eye and had an idea that there must be more than 8k. It's just choosing ignorance as bliss. It's actually been unfair on him. 23k is not really that much in the great scheme of things and can be managed and reduced quickly with focus. Good luck, not worth ruining a marriage for.

You’ve both been as bad as each other, get professional debt advice and stop living outside of your means.
i have adhd, i don’t buy what I can’t afford. Unexpected and essential house repairs are a fact of life, make sure you have money to cover these and don’t redecorate or replace items until they absolutely NEED replacing, not just on a whim

You are both awful with money.

Stop spending on unnecessary things for the next 12 months - literally only buy food, pay bills, birthdays and Christmas etc.

Put as much of the debt onto 0% credit cards and focus on scrimping over the next few of months to pay off the stuff that’s not 0%

You both need to sit down one evening and literally list all of your income and outgoings.
And then you especially, need to learn how to budget and allocate money to certain things before you get it.

You had your head in the sand and admit you frittered money away. You need to take at least half the blame for this if not more. Wherd did you think the money was coming from.

The only way you'll get on top of the debt is by cutting your spending and throwing the money you save at the credit card debt. If you're not on zero interest, switch so that you are and do balance transfers.

Look at all your regular outgoings and see where you can cut back, eg streaming subscriptions. Pause the house renovations until you've cleared the debt. Do you run two cars? If so, consider whether you can possibly manage with one. Look at switching energy suppliers, use comparison sites to make sure you're getting the best possible deal.

For the next few weeks, don't spend on anything that isn't essential. I bet you'll be surprised by how much you can cut back when you've done this. Go through your shopping bills and really analyse how much you spend on non-essentials. I bet you'll be surprised.

I agree.

As OP said, he was always good with money and it was her that was bad with money.

She knew there was £8k from the wedding and with 2 of them working, could have easily paid this off within a couple of years.

They are definitely both to blame and it’s frustrating that OP is trying to blame him or her adhd instead of just holding her hands up and saying she’s at fault.

They’re not going to get anywhere if they’re passing the blame.

I think you're kidding yourself about your role in this and I can see you've acknowledged that a bit. You have been spending without any idea of your financial situation and there's nothing to suggest you would have been able to stop 'frittering' money.

You're both responsible for running up the debt and both responsible for making a plan to pay it off and stick to a budget. It's not for one person to be accountable for it - you both need to commit and hold each other accountable all the time, on every spend.

Two people working doesn't automatically make it 'easy' to pay off debt. Making generalisations like that isn't any more helpful than the OP passing the blame.

He’s tried to protect you, wrong approach but it’s out of love. You need to work together to get it down, pay it off with the pay rise and spend the next few months being frugal, forgo the little extras, see if you can halve it this year. Just by reducing subscriptions and careful supermarket shops and swopping insurance you can often knock off a chunk