To think money is best kept private outside family?

[OpenHazelDreamer]

I was brought up not to talk about money and it’s something that’s stuck with me. I don’t even know what my siblings earn (obviously I do with my partner), and I’ve always seen finances as quite a private thing. I’m teaching my kids how to manage money but I’ve also told them not to discuss how much they have with people outside the family. My thinking is that nothing good really comes of it - people can get awkward, comparisons happen and relationships can go a bit funny.

AIBU to think it’s better to keep money private?

When discussing finances with DCs, especially if there is some sort of domestic financial crisis, they should also be told when the crisis is over. Otherwise they may continue to worry but keep the worry hidden.

I don’t tell friends or family what I earn, but I work with a few other people who do the same job as me, and we discussed our hourly rate so that we could collectively negotiate pay.

This is how women get paid less than men and don't even know it. All salaries, in all sectors, should be published and publicly available.

@StandingDeskDisco I think this is the best approach too. We've talked to our children about savings, investments, credit cards, etc. and DD (20) is learning how to manage her money independently and building her credit (we advise her when she asks). DS (17) will start managing his money more independently when he's 18. I wasn't taught much about money by my parents tbh and I wish we'd talked about it more.

But, they don't know everything about our finances and tbh, I don't know everything about DD's. Same with our parents. No idea about siblings either.

I agree with this. People should be more open.

Unless there are special circumstances that warrant it, I agree that keeping quiet about income and big-picture financial information is the best policy. Discussing it tends to make things feel awkward. People can resent someone in a better financial situation, even if they try not to compare or be envious, and then there are the ones who will store this information away and come back later to ask for a loan (or a 'loan') because you can afford it, right?

Between parents and children (young adults who need advice and a frame of reference, especially), I'd make an exception, but for everyone else, I don't see a need to discuss it.

On the other hand, I don't mind telling someone roughly how much something cost me if they're interested in purchasing the same item themselves.

But it enables Sarah in your department to find out you are earning 10% more than her. And that’s because of skills/experience/attitude. And the company won’t increase her salary but she thinks because you do the same job, she’s entitled to the same pay.

You do realise that that risks keeping salaries lower? If they are going to pay everyone the same, they are going to pay the lower rate. There’s usually a reason why someone is paid more but they aren’t going to want to pay someone who is average the same as someone who is outstanding

Ironically I would propose openness at work - flushes out inequity - and privacy between family and friends

I’m so glad it’s not the case. I have benefitted from the silence around salaries many times (people telling me what they earn but me not telling them what I earn.

Two people can do the same role but that doesn’t make them worth the same salary.

I agree, OP.

Me and DH are completely open about finances with each other. All our money is completely shared and fully accessible to each other.

If my mum asked something specific about finances, I'd answer honestly and openly. I trust her to keep the information to herself.

Me and a group of female friends regularly chat about investments, pensions and the like without giving numbers. I think this is great, women need to talk more openly, and learn, about financial issues.

Outside of this, my finances are private. DH and I are both public sector so you could guess our salary from published pay scales if you knew some details. But we both do consultancy on the side which massively bumps up our income, very few people know we do this or could guess at how much this nets us per year.

I once told a couple of friends at the pub that I'd paid of my mortgage (we were talking about interest rates, someone directly asked me who my mortgage was with). One of the women was really off with me for the rest of the night and hasn't really spoken to me since.

Are the spouses comfortable about having their finances discussed over the kitchen table once a week? Because presumably you have the necessary details for that too?

Im genuinely curious because I have never met anyone who openly discusses money!

I think talking about money is a very important skill to cultivate. It is a tricky topic because people attach different values and meanings to the same words. It’s so important to understand another person’s financial landscape before you get married. I’d hazard a guess that financial incompatibility is probably one of the biggest predictors of relationships breakdown. And a marriage breakdown is one of the most expensive mistakes you can make.

That's not the same as listing off earnings and assets, and I agree that sort of information is better off kept private, or need to know.

This.

Well they must be, as they join us whenever they want too. We don’t just discuss money we discuss everything. If someone has a large purchases to make we will discuss where might be the best place to get that from, how much your looking to have to pay, can it be got cheaper else where. I don’t see what the problem with that is.

I think I'd rather discuss money with friends than family - I've seen more entitlement to money coming from our family (sil) that any friends I have. Not to mention the many posts on MN with very grabby kids - siblings, cousins in-laws etc - the message is - don't tell any of them how much they might feel they are entitled to.

Oh god that sounds bloody awful. I rather not have all my purchases discussed in a family setting - my siblings are a very overbearing lot - discussing anything with them would leave me utterly exhausted and rip the fun right out of any purchase. I guess it depends on your family - but my first though would be a very firm no!

Only people who know what I earn are my line manager, payroll and my DH

We share financial info beaten me DH and our 2 adult DS. No one else. I think it’s best that way.

No sharing of financial info at all ever. People get too bitter / obsessed / jealous / nasty. As we saw in the private school vat debate - there for all to see. I've advised my kids never to discuss money with anyone - including friends / potential partners / early days partners. Nothing good comes from it ever..

My only comment here is that I was always told to look poor and spend rich. That is no one should know what you have, wether you're on the bones of your arse or a multi millionaire, but by the best you can afford.

When we got married we were financially fucked, the subsided part of the mortgage was 8% then a month later my dad died, mum had died when I was 17 and we had 2 houses to pay for. My wife's parents never asked how we were doing.

2 years ago I retired from full time work because I'm riddled with arthritis at the age of 55. Mil has never once asked how we manage

Sil has had her mortgage paid off, been given a new car (wife and her brother were compensated 2k for that by pil). She hasn't had a proper job since the age of 40 in 1996. Her husband was a drunken bum who despite being warned repeatedly for over 10 years never gave up the booze which killed him.

Would I say anything if I had things over. No I've got too much pride. We've made money. Enough to insulate ourselves and live a good life....sil is still buggered financially

No clearly not. Yet you seem surprised that others don’t do this. I think a family conference about money and purchases etc is unusual. Is it a cultural thing?

Your children clearly have very laid back spouses for them to join in - most people would run a mile from the in-laws in that situation.

Personally I don’t need to have a conference every time I make a big purchase as I’m capable of researching it but each to their own.

It’s an interesting point although I wouldn’t call it an important skill as it’s only necessary if you are completely joining your finances with someone, or getting joint mortgage etc. Many married couples don’t do that (quite sensibly in many cases).

And this is why money shouldn’t be discussed - people get resentful that one sibling gets more than another, you only have to see threads on here where sons and their wives are upset that a parent isn’t giving them money.

I’m really not bothered. I’ve always worked public sector so anyone can view my pay scale online.