To not agree to DC traveling alone with my husband

[Playdoughy]

Our dc is 3.5yo and has a great relationship with DH, they play, he looks up to him, he adores him.
However my dh is not exactly a textbook responsible parent and he is not even aware of it...
I will just say he'd happily put ds in the back of a car without a car seat (I always have to argue not to allow this), he has no clue about what he can or cannot eat (ds is not allergic to anything, I am taking e.g. not bothering to slice grapes and leaving him alone in the room to eat a full bowl even when he was very little.)
He never even bothered to watch a 3 minute first aid video, he leaves ds walking behind him in public places while he is checking the phone...
I am super vigilant and these situations drive me crazy.
I have never left my ds not even for a short work trip exactly because of this.

DH now insists of visiting his family abroad with ds alone. Ds knows them only over the phone camera (dh and his parents have had a hot/cold relationship and finally it is warm enough for him wanting them to meet DS). They are ok and responsible people but also old and tired.
I just worry about my ds safety if this short trip (few nights) goes ahead.

I already expressed I am not keen and dh obviously got very upset, mumbles how I don't allow his child to meet grandparents...
And yes he insists he goes without me because of their complex relationship.

I wish I can just say plain no but that doesn't seem fair to him either...
Plus he'd retaliate not allowing me to travel alone with kids in future (as i did before, but dh chose not to go - he was invited and included in the plans.).

I don't know if I am unreasonable, unfair or should just listen to my gut even if he really is upset.

The only reason why I am inclined to allow this trip is because a part of me really wants his mother to witness all this and call him out...

YABU just for still being married and attracted to such a pathetic excuse of a man and father. I wouldn’t be able to still find someone attractive or even like being around someone as lazy and incompetent as this.

If you are super vigilant it is because he has made you be. You shouldn't let him take your son away, but also, you just shouldn't take it anymore.

She wouldn't. If he is behaving like this, it's because he has learned it is OK. He'll just come back with a bagfull of 'my parents think you are overreacting' and they'll bond on outgrouping you as the problem.

But she certainly doesn’t want him to have unsupervised contact!! It’s a no while he doesn’t care about your child’s life and he can grump as much as he fucking wants. Say I’m happy to phone your mother and explain, and sit him down and show him some stats on children in car accidents and car seat va not car seat and say very clearly some crazy driver could tbone you any time- every time you say something showing you don’t care about a car seat, you are telling me our dcs life isn’t that important. If that's what you think you should leave and never ever come back and never try to see them, because they should never ever know their dad couldn’t be arsed to do some basic parenting.

Playdoughy
The only reason why I am inclined to allow this trip is because a part of me really wants his mother to witness all this and call him out...

Op whatever happens you need to look at this relationship- from both sides-he needs to be doing more and I wouldn’t be thrilled with my dh saying he’ll ‘allow’ me to do certain things, a child is supposed to have two parents who talk things out and compromise-can you not go too?

Is he slack because youre around and he knows you keep your son safe. Surely if hes alone at an airport he would be attentive.

Could you not travel with him but stay in a hotel nearby?
I know some countries are slack in child seats, or the child being strapped in. Its not good!.
Try to work together to find a compromise.

The car seat situation would be enough for me not to trust him, to be honest. That’s a non negotiable.

But frankly I’d be too weirded out that he wouldn’t want me there when visiting his parents. That would certainly make a dent in our relationship.

Yes, all were horiffic. Mn was much smaller in those days & we 'knew' each other (online at least). There have been others since, but as it's so huge now it's recall specific posters/threads.

there's no way he'd (dc) would be going without me. DH's relationship with his parents is terrible obviously, but the fact is, he's putting them before you. I'd tell him to go & stay there!!

I'd also make sure DS could not leave the country without ms.

Weird, weird take. She's describing some very basic safety stuff.

What makes you think she'd call it out ?

she's more likely yi back her useless sin if she doesn't even want you there.

youd be mad to let DS go.

Play stupid games win stupid prizes....

If he is as unsafe as you say and family is enmeshed / toxic this us highly unlikely.

If he is doing this I'd accompany him no matter what arseholes his parents are id endure it.

personally i'd be insisting I had a change of heart. Family is important.... lets go together... I'd stfu, smile, promise to be nice to his family and actually do it.

If they separate she will have even less control. If anything that would be worst case, surprised you didn't think your sentiment through.

Unfortunately she literally cannot stop him. She could also die tomorrow and he will be his son's main carer.

It's a situation that's heading in one direction and that is OPs DH taking their child to Europe whether they're married or not

Tell your DH te only way your three ye old is meeting their grandparents in another country is with you there.
He's being completely unreasonable to expect otherwise.