To feel like we bit off more than we could chew with dc2?

[wewerestupid]

I’m saying ‘we’ but probably mean me really. Had ds 2020, it was lockdown, it wasn’t the pregnancy or maternity leave I had hoped for and while I realise it may not have been anyway, I did really want to experience it all ‘properly.’ So two years later found out dc2 was on the way. Much nicer experience of pregnancy and birth, got some of the experiences that I know aren’t important but I felt missed first time.

So nearly three years on and it’s kind of haunting me a bit. I love dc2; I really do. But in some ways they aren’t an easy character. Very, very demanding and controlling, which combined with the needs of dc1 is increasingly hard to manage. I found having them both together pretty miserable for a long time tbh, but for a period it was dc1 who was the tricky one and sometimes my brain would do this idle question of ‘what if you only had dc2’ and I’d feel awful but it was very persistent, and in darker moments I would admit to myself that life would just be so much nicer and easier.

Now it’s dc2 who is the tricky character and that voice is still there but this time wishing I only had dc1, who after a long terrible twos and horrific threenager finally mellowed at about three and three quarters into a really lovely child … I’m hoping the same will happen with dc2

But I just feel guilty all the time, like I’m not meeting their needs well. And it isn’t them who are the problem; it’s me. I just haven’t got enough in me in terms of energy, time, money, to give them both.

Looking after two little children is bloody hard and unrelenting.
There's more chance of fun if you can spend time outdoors and with friends if possible.

I'm constantly feeling like I've bitten off more than I can chew 😅 I think most parents do at some point. Both my children are autistic and we have a lot of extra things that come along with that, but even with neurotypical children I imagine it's hard work and any parent who says it's all sunshines and rainbows and they spend every day being thankful is probably kidding themselves.

DC2 only sleeps around 4 hours per night and I can't even tell you the dark thoughts that come into my head when I'm sleep deprived. At my worst point, when I was definitely depressed, I used to fantasize about just walking into traffic. But it gets better. Try to look at the good in each day. Some days that might be harder than others, but it might help and give you some hope that it won't always be this hard.

My youngest is starting school in September (we are currently going through Tribunal for the school place so even more stress) and I'm just thinking about how much time I'll have to be "intoFolklore" and not full time carer for those few hours each day.

what your feeling is very common “mom guilt” please don’t beat yourself up for thinking / feeling like this. I often think things like this. Like I really shouldn’t have let my ex pressure me into having a child so young (18), shouldn’t of had a 2nd child because he cheated and had another at age 35 who I’ll admit I bit off more than I could chew with her. I’m mentally, financially, physically & emotionally drained!! But I know I wouldn’t swap them for the world! It’s hard. You’re admitting it’s hard. That’s ok! Lots of mums feel the same. You know yourself these younger years your “in the trenches” but it does get better. Sending love to you

Thanks. Logically I know I have one more ‘hard’ year before things get much much better … but my god it feels like a long year!

Everyone fed - no one dead is my new mantra ♥️

I don’t find the day to day feeding them hard. I just find we go from one tantrum to the next and that’s draining and very stressful.

Oh no I’m not saying u have issues feeding them, I just like that quote. For at the end of the day when im thinking wtf was that shit show of a day, I’ll say to myself well everyone’s fed and no one’s dead so that’s a win lol

See I don’t … 😩 it seems to stress there’s no joy whatsoever in life.

@wewerestupidi could have written this post exactly. Same age kids, same thoughts, same relentlessness.

I don't have any answers for you but just solidarity that you aren't alone.

I put everything I have into not letting the kids feel what I feel. But at the end of the day I often feel my life slipping away without much joy.

This is so dysfunctional. Although common ( I should think).....How to navigate The biggest challenge in Life WITHOUT looking for a SCAPEGOAT...... You are going through challenging PARENTHOOD and are trying to choose which child to SCAPEGOAT. I was the SCAPEGOAT CHILD and dont worry it's a common thing to do. As long as you catch yourself doing it and correct yourself. If you continue and settle on ONE of them as ' THE PROBLEM ' ..then you will have BIGGER problems down the line. The SCAPEGOAT child, as an adult will have PROBLEMS and probably cut you all off.

That mantra isn’t about joy though, it’s about survival. It’s sort of about accepting that maybe for a while as long they are alive at the end of the day, you’ve done a great job.

It’s relentless and so hard that age. Don’t think years ahead, it’s too much.

I used to fantasise about what crime I could commit to get 24 hours alone in a cell 😂. Or an illness that wasn’t life threatening to be in hospital.

Sometimes I would put them both in ca seats in the ca and jus stay outside for a couple of minutes peace, before getting and driving off.

And I used to stick my finger up behind tantrumming toddlers occasionally. Or calm them fucking twats in my head 😂

I know what it’s saying, it is just what it’s saying does depress me a bit 😂

It isn’t bleak, just feels relentless and like any real break of freedom is years away although that’s not quite true I know.

One of my enduring memories of ds was that when he was taken to bed, and had a story of two, he waited till I returned downstairs, then registered his displeasure at being in bed by throwing every book from the bookcase outside his room over the banister and down the stairs. They can be bloody difficult at that age but they get easier every year. It’ll all be ok in the end.

It is relentless. If I searched on here under my user names for 10-15 years ago I’d find similar and I remember feeling so depressed that there was no immediate end in sight.

People telling you if will get better doesn’t always help

Oddly DS (also ADHD/ASD) wasn’t too bad at 4, he was hideous at 2 and 3, but DD is four and OMG the ‘tude on her!

I think DS was better at 4 becuase when he was 4 DD arrived and his extreme interest became his baby sister so he was ‘mr super helpful big brother’.

I think 3 & 4 are the ‘I want to be independent but I’m actually too little to do lots of things by myself’ ages.

We had almost the opposite effect, until my youngest came along I could see my son needed a lot of routine, activity, personal closeness to thrive and then with a newborn and baby it went a bit sideways and his struggles were more apparent. He has benefited massively in the longer term from having her though, she absolutely adores him unconditionally and yet also loves winding him up and he adores and tolerates her as required. Yes they fight but there's a lot more positive than negative there

I really feel for you toddler type years are relentless. I remember the very poor return on investment for the lovely craft activity that you set up that they destroy/ get bored of in 5 minutes. And it's so hard if you have a tantrumer. Whilst years fly by days with little ones are endless.

Personally I went back to work after 6 months with both of them and made DH be a SAHD... And he required them in nursery/child minder 2 mornings a week to stay sane. I realise this option isn't available to everyone

They are 16 and 18 now and very lovely - I am nostalgic about their primary school years, not so much toddler hood. And I never got the 'look at them sleep' thing my heart swells when they are doing things or interacting - when they are their own person.

Yesterday my 14 yr old commented that her friends had been discussing the balls if theirs heads. They’d read that the rounder it is the more you were held as a baby (as opposed to being flatter if lying down). She said “mine is massive, I must have been held a lot!” So I explained that she didn’t tolerate being laid down, spent most of her early years being held or in a sling and never wanted to be more than 30cm from me, preferably touching me!

We laughed about it. You will survive this, and they will be people you can laugh with x