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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to refuse sex if my husband heads straight to the pub?

58 replies

Idontthinkso88 · 24/04/2026 21:49

My husband and I get a limited amount of time together without children as he works away and we don’t have anyone to look after our children. Once I’ve got them to bed we usually have an hour or two together before I got to bed. One night a week/every other week is also his ‘pub night’ where he goes to our local to see a couple of his mates which is fine, I know it matters to him that he gets to see them. On that night we only get an hour together as he doesn’t want to go out too late or he won’t get the time with his friends before closing time but he also wants me and him to have sex before he goes. I’ve told him that I don’t like it when that happens, something about it feels rubbish to me. If we’re having sex then I want us to be together for a bit afterwards, cuddling, chatting that kind of thing. He sees no issue with being out the door a few minutes after we’ve finished and is annoyed at me that I no longer want to have sex if he’s going to the pub that night. I’d hoped by bringing it up that he might stay for longer after we were done but last week, even if was for 20 minutes say. But all he did was stand by the door for a few minutes pretending to listen to what I was saying which annoyed me. He thinks we’re husband and wife and that we can just have sex before he goes out and it shouldn’t be an issue. I can’t think of the exact wording but to me it seems a bit seedy to have sex with someone then they bugger off, even if it is my own husband. Should I be loosening up a bit and not seeing sex as such a big deal? Or is my husband the one who should be more mindful of how I feel? I’d rather just leave sex to a night where he isn’t going to the pub but he thinks we should be having it every night as we get so little time together.

OP posts:
sidneytweeney · 25/04/2026 07:43

It really doesn’t matter what your reason for not wanting sex at a particular time. You don’t have to explain.
him ‘let’s have sex’
you ‘I don’t want to’
END OF CONVERSATION

AllotmentTime · 25/04/2026 07:48

It's shit not just because he leaves straight away, but because you're expected to be turned on within his specific window, every week. No allowance for what you actually are in the mood for, but boom, go time, perform within this window. Thats more like being a sex worker than a loving relationship and would give anyone the ick.

Similarly, him being in the mood for a shag with no cuddles is fine, but him pressuring you to do what he wants is all kinds of wrong and massively compounds the ick. If you say you don't like something, that ought to be a huge turn off for him. If he doesn't care what you want as long as he gets his end away, that's very telling.

Dodorogers · 25/04/2026 07:52

Elz23 · 24/04/2026 22:17

In that case YABU. Who can blame him for wanting to be intimate when the opportunity arises - it sounds like you can’t be bothered.

And I say that as someone with a very young DC

Edited

What the actual fuck

Blondeshavemorefun · 25/04/2026 08:03

Sex every night 🙀🙀🙀

tell him no. Esp if having it 6/7 other nights

is he cuddly the nights not going to the pub?

and hope you have good contraception or will be 4 kids under 8

audhdandme · 25/04/2026 08:07

my gosh, some of these responses 🙄 no wonder there is so many miserable people on here

not you OP

Imbusytodaysorry · 25/04/2026 08:13

Idontthinkso88 · 24/04/2026 22:08

We’ve got three children aged 7 and under. By the time he’s back from the pub I’m in bed and tbh I’m too tired to get up to have sex with him.

@Idontthinkso88 op you have every right to say no , and I’m no present a healthy sex life . You feeling uncomfortable is not healthy . You feeling you are being used . It does appear it’s all about dh needs . How mentor see friends how need to “release” before he goes out . It’s not about wanting time with his dw. Do you what sex other times you have it or is it all about pleasing your dh . ?
Why do you put pods to bed every night?
What nights do you go out with friends .

Tell dh it’s his choice to go out all fine . It’s your choice when you want sex .

mamajong · 25/04/2026 08:39

You dont need a reason to say no to sex so just say no. Dont get into a game of 'i will if you dont go to the pub' because thats not great either but its perfectly acceptable to say no.

Coconutter24 · 25/04/2026 09:18

TakeALookAtTheseSwatches · 24/04/2026 22:03

Every day?! Who's got time for that

It’s not 7 days a week by the sounds of it

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