AIBU to stay out of my mum's decision about her will?

[MoneyandInheritance]

My mum has recently told me and my brother about her will. She is leaving nothing to us but is instead splitting it between her biological grandchildren. I have two children, my brother has two children with his with his ex and also two step children with his new wife who he has been with for about 10 years. My mum has always been kind to his SC, included them in gifts at Xmas, buys them things here and there like she does my children and my brothers bio children.

My brother is really annoyed with our mum, saying she should treat his SC like her bio GC and is pressuring me to tell her that she is wrong and needs to change her will. He says he would like it to be 50/50 between me and him but did say maybe he should get more because he has 4 children.

I have refused to get involved and said it’s not for us to decide what she does with her money, which is true, but I’m also glad that she isn’t leaving money to step grandchildren. AIBU? We don’t need the money and we can afford to help our children with uni, house deposits etc. My brother isn’t poor but I don’t know how much he’ll be able to help his children out. I just don’t care, I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t want my mum thinking I’m talking behind her back about her money and choices. My brother has told her he isn’t happy and I’ve told my mum I’m happy with whatever she wants.

So your brother pretty much abandoned his own kids to move away to be with his new wife and step-kids? No wonder your mum is protective about these grandchildren.

I'm not sure why your brother thinks that you should support him to try and change your mum's mind. He sounds like a bit of an arse.

Honestly, hats off to your mum for supporting your brother's ex-wife and children rather than her own son who has behaved very badly towards his first wife and and their joint children. No wonder she wants to redress the balance through inheritance.

My in-laws were advised to do this to avoid two sets of inheritance taxes. And to be honest, they are a long lived family so it’s likely our children will be at exactly the right age to really benefit.

Yes, if anyone is controlling here it's the person who's trying to decide how someone else wills their assets!

Also, administering trusts can be expensive. There's nothing here to indicate that the estate may be large enough to easily absorb those costs, and that's before any care costs are considered. It's poor advice.

People have very weird ideas about who should get inheritance.

On the one hand, posters seem keen for the GM to leave her money to people she doesn’t want to leave it to, in the interests of “fairness”.

But, if the deceased father (OP’s brother’s wife’s late-spouse) has left a trust for his DC to receive when they’re adults, would those same people think that money should be split equally with the widow’s DSCs? Children a man never thought of as his own, or possibly never met (in the same way that the GM doesn’t think of her DSGC as hers?) I doubt it 🤷‍♀️

Essentially, money accrued during your lifetime is yours to spend as you wish and people should stop spending their time on earth stressing and arguing about what they will/won’t get if someone dies.

It’s probably best she leaves it to you and your brother then. Your brother can then divide his share however he chooses.

As you say though, her money her choice. I just think she’s making the wrong choice.

Except the mother wants her money to go to her grandchildren, so she wants to split it equally between her 4 grandchildren, not between her two children, and not leave anything to her step-grandchildren.

if she was just bypassing one generation on one side - so leaving 50% to her daughter but then splitting the other 50% between her grandchildren from her son, that would be unfair.

This is actually fair, unless you think a) the son should be entitled to an inheritance his sister isn’t getting or b) you think the step children should get the same share of inheritance as the bio grandchildren, or c) you think the son should get to decide what his parent’s will looks like.

Your brother may be able to vary the terms of her will if the bio gcs agree, so they split their share with the SC. Do they all get on and is there a big age difference? What does your brother's ex think about her children sharing their inheritance with the SC, not a lot I would think.

Of course your mum may be deliberately skipping a generation so that the SCs don't get share. It's her money and she wants it to go to her descendants.

I would take exactly the same position as you, and my parents have in fact taken exactly the same position your mum - they have said outright to my brother that it’s not their job to make up for someone else’s family situation, and that isf he wants his DC and SDC to have equal money he has to make that happen himself seeing as he was the one who chose to get himself into this situation to begin with. My brother hasn’t pushed it as he respects that everyone is entitled to do whatever they want with their money - like him. He’s going to equalize things himself (first wife doesn’t know and I’m pretty sure she’ll say that that’s diluting what her D.C. would get, but to my eyes it’s up to my brother to take on as many responsibilities as he wants, and they don’t all have to be with her consent seeing as they’re divorced).

if she was just bypassing one generation on one side - so leaving 50% to her daughter but then splitting the other 50% between her grandchildren from her son, that would be unfair

That's the situation in our family. One brother will be loaded when he retires (he works at a large bank and his benefits are amazing) so his portion is being given to his children.

It was discussed openly and everyone is fine with it.

I think your mum is unreasonable to set her will out this way, and you’re wrong to agree with her, if you do. The stepchildren have been around 10 years and she treats them well up to now, it will be gutting for them to be snubbed in her will.

At minimum, it should be 50% to your kids and 50% split between his four. Really, I would say it should be everyone gets a sixth.

But you’re not wrong to say it’s her (morally wrong) right to leave her estate to whoever she chooses and not try to change her mind.

@OttersOnAPlane You might do this to ensure the next generation, son, doesn’t have too much in his estate for IHT. Skipping a generation is beneficial. Or if you are left money and prefer dc to have it, make a deed of variation and hand over the money.

The question as to if the step mums family will leave money to the brothers bio children is a good one re the fairness. Plus if money is inherited by the son, if he dies before his wife, will she see the step children, who don’t live with her and they only have access half of school holidays, as equally her children and divide her estate by 4 not 2?

The brother moved away from his dcs. He doesn’t see them much. He doesn’t do day to day parenting. From the grandmothers perspective, I could see that he sees his step children as his responsibility but it doesn’t appear the step mum has much of the same relationship with her step children.

That’s just unfortunate circumstances, if they were set to inherit I doubt they would leave any too the other children. I have a SC and I have only left to my biological children.

It's not for you to understand or not. What you think is irrelevant.

It's her money and she can bequeath it to whoever she wants.

Your Brother is asking you to suggest something against you kids interested. Why would he expect you to agree with you. Your Mum’s suggestion is the fairest.

If OP’s brother is so upset that his stepchildren won’t get anything from his mother, he can give them more of his own estate. But I suspect he won’t want to do that, because he won’t see it as “fair”. He wants to put all that on his mother.

Your DB did the usual thing and put new wife and kids ahead of his own kids, so he clearly doesn't value blood relatives. Your DM does.

There is nothing wrong with her wanting to leave her money to her biological grandchildren.

He needs to leave you alone as it is nothing to do with you. He needs to stop pressuring her. Seeing as he suggested that if it were left to you and him he should get more as he has more DC, shows you exactly where his mind is. He wants more money for himself and his family.

It seems like people are damned if they do or damned if they don’t.

OPs mother seems like a decent enough person, she’s kind to the son’s step children but doesn’t view them as grandchildren and sees them a couple of times a year.

If she wasn’t kind to them, she’d be called a monster…and yet if she is kind to them, she somehow needs to leave them money (equal to her actual grandchildren!) in the will.
Make it make sense 🤷‍♀️

@ItsalwayslocationA lot of us think these dc should be left something - but not necessarily equivalent. It doesn’t have to be equal shares. The son is being punished to make sure he doesn’t leave anything to his new wife if he dies. So his new family are totally excluded. They should be recognised with some % but not a high one. It’s pretty divisive to use money like this to show complete disapproval.