AIBU to stay out of my mum's decision about her will?

[MoneyandInheritance]

My mum has recently told me and my brother about her will. She is leaving nothing to us but is instead splitting it between her biological grandchildren. I have two children, my brother has two children with his with his ex and also two step children with his new wife who he has been with for about 10 years. My mum has always been kind to his SC, included them in gifts at Xmas, buys them things here and there like she does my children and my brothers bio children.

My brother is really annoyed with our mum, saying she should treat his SC like her bio GC and is pressuring me to tell her that she is wrong and needs to change her will. He says he would like it to be 50/50 between me and him but did say maybe he should get more because he has 4 children.

I have refused to get involved and said it’s not for us to decide what she does with her money, which is true, but I’m also glad that she isn’t leaving money to step grandchildren. AIBU? We don’t need the money and we can afford to help our children with uni, house deposits etc. My brother isn’t poor but I don’t know how much he’ll be able to help his children out. I just don’t care, I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t want my mum thinking I’m talking behind her back about her money and choices. My brother has told her he isn’t happy and I’ve told my mum I’m happy with whatever she wants.

@FancyBiscuitsLevel That’s why you leave money to your dc and don’t entirely skip a generation. The op could do exactly the same! There’s ways around leaving something to the new family without upsetting everyone. Leaving them out entirely will and of course sil will butt out. Who wouldn’t. Op will be on her own!

It would make sense to leave 50/50 to her children and then you split as you think. I don’t see why having 4 children means your brother should get a larger slice.

Don’t understand the ‘Steps get the same deal’ . Curious. Would you mind explaining further.

In this particular situation, her son has shown that he can't be trusted with the welfare of his own children. So that's likely what his mother is trying to avoid.

It could be the mother doesn’t think her son’s relationship will last and half (or more) would go on a divorce, not to her grandchildren.

It could be she thinks the relationship will last, but she’s heard so may stories of money being inherited by the 2nd wife who then leaves all the money just to her children, not her late-husband’s children.

It could be she’s quietly judging how little of his income he hands over in child support compared to spending on his step children and wants to balance out the lack of support.

This is why it’s good to be open about it now, so she can have awkward conversations rather than her son trying to guess her motivations while grieving his mothers death.

Great post. It’s so so difficult trying to work out what is fair.

So DB has two kids. Gets divorced and remarried. Abandons two bio kids in favour of new family. Fails to keep connections with family members, despite efforts by them.

No wonder your mum is doing what she's doing. Sensible woman.

Your bro's the next thing closest to a deadbeat and he left his bio kids behind for the second wife. I see exactly why your mom is leaving her money to the grandkids.

He's pestering her for more money. He even thinks he should get more because he's had two kids he dumped and is raising his now wife's two. That's not on your mom to finance his choices. In a way, she's making up for his dumping his bio kids. She doesn't trust him or his wife to do right by his bio kids.

I'd tell him to quit bugging her about trying to get her money. He's being extremely open about his greed and entitlement. Tell him to stop being such a disappointment.

If your brother got a new partner with children does he think your mum should leave her estate to a trail of his step kids or would he want her to alter the will to the new step kids? As he barely sees his own biological kids I doubt he would bother with his previous step kids if they split up.

I have a brother who ignored his previous kids when he remarried and never paid a penny in maintenance and was always spending money on his step kids. He is now divorced again and doesn’t keep in touch with his step kids now and as far as I know in touch with his bio kids.

I have realised that I may have made it sound like my brother doesn’t see his bio kids. He does see them but only in some of the school holidays because of the distance he moved away from them. They are now teenagers and don’t always want to go as they want to see friends and my kids in the holidays. They don’t really like that his wife and the step kids are always there as he doesn’t make an effort to spend time alone with them. He has always paid maintenance, as he should.

Oh your mum thinks he’s deadbeat.

Moving away, only seeing in the holidays, not being a part of their lives through his choices - yep she doesn’t trust he’d do the right thing and leave anything to his bio kids.

Not her blood. It really is that simple.

He might see them, but he isn't parenting them. Doesn't sound like he has much of a relationship with them, actually.

Of course they don't want to go and see him. He made it very clear that they weren't his priority, and continues to do so by not spending 1:1 time with them.

It's pretty clear why she doesn't trust him not to just spend any inheritance on the new family.

@MoneyandInheritance The grandchildren don’t see their dad much and both probably need to make more effort. His ex probably doesn’t see the need either and dc are influenced by this. I don’t think your DM should leave them an equal amount but nothing is cutting his new family, and him, out completely. We always say “two wrongs don’t make a right”. She really should recognise them with a small % or £ gift. If it was me, I would say that. Does DM see your brother at all?

Yes, I accept that he isn't totally absent but it's quite clear where his priorities lie.

Your brother's step-children could inherit from their own grandparents by both parents. Is your brother expecting his current partner's parents to leave his children an inheritance??!!! His children are his partner's step-children after all!! I doubt very much they will, and neither should he be expecting them too; no more than he should expect your Mum to do the same!

If any sets of grandparents are no longer with us, or are planning to leave their assets to their children instead of grandchildren, or the grandchildren don't see a set of grandparents... that's just too bad. It's circumstances, that no one has any control over.

Your brother is being unreasonable. He shouldn't be pressuring your Mum, that's unfair. At the end of the day her assets, are just that, hers, and she can plan her Will as she sees fit. I agree with you, don't get involved.

I don’t see the brother as being unreasonable. He’s getting nothing and his step dc are getting nothing. Not even a mention! Not 1p. It’s a bit insulting really. A small amount really would do no harm and is the ex making his children not want to see him? Is he effectively excluded so moved? We don’t know but he’s clearly being effectively removed from the family.

I don’t see the brother as being unreasonable. He’s getting nothing and his step dc are getting nothing.

He's in the same position as Op.

Getting nothing & it going to bio kids.

I expect his mother realised that if she gave him anything and then he died, it would go to his wife. When the wife died it would go to her children and not the son’s children.

@Yetone Set up a trust then with clear aims and beneficiaries. It’s still cutting him out and he might live to 100. Who knows and it’s controlling whataboutery after death.

It’s not controlling to decide the terms of your own will!

I can see why your mum doesn't see them as family, then. And it's really not your place to tell her what to do.

And of course, if your brother and his wife split up, the step children would disappear from your family, never to be seen again.

But your mum should just leave the money to you and your brother. It's not helpful to family harmony to skip a generation when there are step kids involved.

I expect his mother realised that if she gave him anything and then he died, it would go to his wife. When the wife died it would go to her children and not the son’s children.

Exactly. And that is almost certainly what is going to happen to someone I know whose father is dying. The dad has indicated that his second wife will inherit everything. And as she's made absolutely no effort to get to know my friend (her step child), there's no doubt at all that everything will end up with her children by another man.