AIBU to stay out of my mum's decision about her will?

[MoneyandInheritance]

My mum has recently told me and my brother about her will. She is leaving nothing to us but is instead splitting it between her biological grandchildren. I have two children, my brother has two children with his with his ex and also two step children with his new wife who he has been with for about 10 years. My mum has always been kind to his SC, included them in gifts at Xmas, buys them things here and there like she does my children and my brothers bio children.

My brother is really annoyed with our mum, saying she should treat his SC like her bio GC and is pressuring me to tell her that she is wrong and needs to change her will. He says he would like it to be 50/50 between me and him but did say maybe he should get more because he has 4 children.

I have refused to get involved and said it’s not for us to decide what she does with her money, which is true, but I’m also glad that she isn’t leaving money to step grandchildren. AIBU? We don’t need the money and we can afford to help our children with uni, house deposits etc. My brother isn’t poor but I don’t know how much he’ll be able to help his children out. I just don’t care, I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t want my mum thinking I’m talking behind her back about her money and choices. My brother has told her he isn’t happy and I’ve told my mum I’m happy with whatever she wants.

I can’t see that happening. The kids are very close to my mum so they wouldn’t give away what she has left them to give to their step siblings that they’re not particularly close to.

Their biological father is dead. Their paternal grandparents are estranged.

Nor should they, this is their Grandmother's money which she is choosing to protect for them. Possibly having got wind of brothers feelings about treating the step children equally.

Even if your children don't need the money OP, your nieces/nephews may, so I would reassure DM that what she's proposing in her will is fair.

I wish them well, but I’m not close to my brother, his wife or his step kids. My brother moved miles away to be with them, away from his own children. We see my brother, his wife and step kids a couple of times a year. I did try to make effort years ago but didn’t get much interest back so we got on with our lives. My kids get on ok with the step kids, but they are very close to my brothers bio kids so it’s awkward as the bio kids and step kids don’t really get on that well.

100% agree. It can cause real problems when parents skip over their own children to leave to the GCs, especially when the GCs are young. No one knows what the future will bring and it’s bizarre not to trust your children to pass on to their own children.

If the OPs brother left his estate to his wife then it's not a matter of trusting him to pass it on to his children, it's trusting his wife to pass it on to people that are not her children.

So if his mum should leave money to his step kids, presumably he expects his wife's mum to leave money to his bio kids?

As far as your mum is concerned, your brother and new partner might even split up.

I would stay out of it. It is your mums decision. Personally I would not go down that route particularly if they are still children. Getting large amounts of money when not fully matured is sometimes a recipe for disaster. Our will just divides our assets between our two daughters. One has children and the other doesn’t so if one of you did not have children would your mum have only given to GC? Do you and your brother not find it hurtful?

No YANBU.
Do the step children think of your mum as their gran?

Tell your brother its quite distasteful to be pouting over your mum's money before she's even dead.

She sounds eminently sensible. Blended families are always problematic.

Have you mentioned the Cats Protection to her? Kitties need things as well.

So many family squabbles could be avoided.

If it’s a sizeable estate and neither OP or her brother need the money now, leaving it straight to the grandchildren could save them being taxed on the same sum twice.

OP - your brother is, quite frankly, a grasping little sod. If he was advocating a 50% share for each of you to split amongst the children as you chose, I’d have more sympathy. But the fact that he thinks he should get a bigger share because of his stepchildren (which surprisingly few people have picked up on) is very telling.

Will he be leaving more of his own estate to his stepchildren than his own children? I doubt it. He’d see that as depriving his own children and being “unfair”. But by asking for more of your mother’s estate because he has stepchildren, he’s proposing depriving YOUR children in the exact same way. Why isn’t THAT unfair?

She should just split it between you then let you both decide how to leave it in your wills in turn. I suppose she assumes the step grandkids will inherit from their other grandparents. When I married my DH his kids were early teens. I’m not leaving anything to them as they will inherit plenty from their mother (and already got an inheritance from my DH when he died).

Your brother is a CF

If he did manage to convince her to include the step children, it should be 50% split between your two and 50% split between his four.

I personally disagree with leaving it to step children as surely they have the potential to inherit from their Dad’s bio family so could end up with more inheritance then your brothers bio kids.

Gosh, your brother lives with his step children but moved away from the children he had with his ex-wife? In that circumstance I can understand why your mum wants to give those grandchildren some ring-fenced security.

I think he sees this as a criticism and is lashing out.

Why should she care about step kids? they have own parents, apparently caring step father. Do they suffer? why compassion?

Probably best for your brother to step back, see how things pan out, your mother might need care or live for decades and get through much of her money. If/ when the grandchildren inherit if he feels that the step children would benefit from having a similar amount he can match it from their savings. That is in his control and he can explain the rationale himself to the children. Sounds like your mum is concerned that if there is money it could go entirely to benefit his new family. I would work on your brother to consider any money a gift meaning that potentially he and his wife have more flexibility to save for the other two.

Your brother is being unreasonable. His stepchildren will inherit from their own 2 parents. HIS children will inherit from their 2 parents. End of.

You're quite right to stay out of it!

Yes. My mum fell out with my brother at the time but they did sort things out. I know she was very disappointed in him, she blamed herself and felt a lot of guilt that her son would behave like that. My mum (and dad when he was alive) and me and my partner have always been very involved with my brothers children, we helped his ex with childcare when they were little and generally just supported her and the kids as much as we could. She had moved here from another country for my brother and then he just left her so she had no family here. It was a really bad time.

Leaving no money to the step kids may be a way of saying where her loyalty lies I suppose as my mum blamed my brothers now wife as much as my brother.

I just don’t want any part of arguing about it. I really wouldn’t care if the step kids were left money as none of this is their fault, but at the same time, these kids are not our bio family and the way they came into our lives was messy and that is their mum and my brothers fault. The more I think about it, the more cheeky I think he is, but then I don’t want to reopen old wounds by talking about it all more with him. I’m just sticking with saying, talk to mum, I don’t care, it’s not my money and not my business.

It may all go on care home fees anyway.

I would do the same as your Mum. It’s a normal way of doing it.