AIBU to stay out of my mum's decision about her will?

[MoneyandInheritance]

My mum has recently told me and my brother about her will. She is leaving nothing to us but is instead splitting it between her biological grandchildren. I have two children, my brother has two children with his with his ex and also two step children with his new wife who he has been with for about 10 years. My mum has always been kind to his SC, included them in gifts at Xmas, buys them things here and there like she does my children and my brothers bio children.

My brother is really annoyed with our mum, saying she should treat his SC like her bio GC and is pressuring me to tell her that she is wrong and needs to change her will. He says he would like it to be 50/50 between me and him but did say maybe he should get more because he has 4 children.

I have refused to get involved and said it’s not for us to decide what she does with her money, which is true, but I’m also glad that she isn’t leaving money to step grandchildren. AIBU? We don’t need the money and we can afford to help our children with uni, house deposits etc. My brother isn’t poor but I don’t know how much he’ll be able to help his children out. I just don’t care, I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t want my mum thinking I’m talking behind her back about her money and choices. My brother has told her he isn’t happy and I’ve told my mum I’m happy with whatever she wants.

Your brother sounds awful.

It does seem a way of making sure him & by extension his wife & step kids get nothing.

Can't see what your mum has done wrong tbh.

Your mum would be within her rights to leave the whole lot to her next door neighbour, the donkey sanctuary or the monster raving looney party… it’s her choice…

your brothers behaviour is a red flag and should be recognised in the context of POA and other instances which are about delivering on HER wishes

Hard no on the step
kids. She does
right to
go biological only

I think you are doing the right thing by staying out of it and telling hour brother it's up to your Mum what she does with her money. I think the fairest thing would be for your mum to split 50/50 between you and your brother but she has made her decision he he needs to make peace with that.

Where did the OP say she didn't want them to get anything, she said she was happy either way but it wasn't her place to question her Mum's decision?

Also poor bio kids who have been abandoned by their Dad in favour of new wife and SC.

I would tell your mother to get on and get it done or she may be talked round. It may all go on care home fees etc anyway

The step kids aren't related to the OP's mum and she doesn't regard them as her grandchildren. This is perfectly common.

Why on earth would she leave them anything?

The brother sounds like an arse, ditching his own children for his new relationship and her children. Those poor kids.

My in-laws have been fantastic to the children I had before I married their son. I would never expect them to leave them money in their wills. Why would they? I wanted them to care for and be interested in my children, to remember birthdays etc, they always love to see them etc. Its enough and it's fair.

You are completely right to stay out of it. In my view your mother would be best splitting it 50/50 between her children but it's her call. It's mean, but it's her money. She'll be dead so it shouldn't matter to her that her son loves some other children enough to treat them as his own, but that's the way people are.

I see I missed that he virtually abandoned his own children which does make a big difference to your mother's actions. I'd still stay out of it.

I actually think that people who stipulate things in their will which will cause division and upset, like this will, should expect to have to talk about it.

If she had left it to you and your brother equally that would be the standard way of doing things, you would reach pass on as you saw fit, and she would only have to explain that. As it is, she has explicitly communicated that she thinks your brother treats his step children too much like his own children. A very passive aggressive way of saying it too. If your brother is offended I don't blame him. It's not always about the money is it, it's the feelings these decisions affect.

At least this has happened now when your brother can tell her how he feels rather than after she's died and he has absolutely no way of asking why she is treating people he loves like this.

Yes it's her money. But money decisions talk.

Your brother is awful and your mother is doing the right thing to skip over him. He’s shown zero judgement and abandoned his own children! She’s protecting her grandkids who have been through something awful. The stepkids are not her problem.

I am a stepchild who inherited NOTHING from either set of non biological grandparents when they passed away despite having them both in my life from the age of 6. One set I was surprised by as they treated me like their own grandkids with regards to birthdays, Xmases, trips out etc, one set not so much as they did not. It didn’t really bother me though other than an initial twinge.

I would never get involved in inheritance decisions.
You just wait and see what happens and take it on the chin if it's not what you want.
I expect I'll not be getting an inheritance which was set to be coming my way, because of a late in life marriage. And, of course, if care costs become necessary, everything can change anyway.
I would keep out of it, op, and tell your brother you fundamentally do not agree with getting involved in matters of inheritance, whatever they are.

It sounds like your mum has designed her will around excluding the step children. She could have left it 50/50 between her two children knowing they would then help their own children, but that would mean your brother’s portion would probably get diluted. She’s instead made sure it goes just to the biological relations in that generation. Would she have done it this way if one of you had no children at all, or if one of you had one child and the other 6? I doubt it. I imagine she sees it as 50/50 between her two children but ring-fenced and I can see why your brother isn’t happy.

That said, it’s her decision.

@MoneyandInheritanceYou can give some money to the step children. His children can give to their siblings. You don’t have to keep the money you were given. Your brother should discuss this within his family but clearly your mum sees the step children as not her grandchildren and this seems to be a popular view at the moment and I find it divisive and sad to leave them nothing. No fool like and old fool as they say!

I think your position is completely reasonable- especially given that your brother moved away from his own children. If he is really bothered about the step children not inheriting from your Mum,he can address that in his own will.
As many have said already - it is up to your Mum and there are no ‘rules’ as long as she makes her wishes clear. Very wise to try and keep out of it (despite your brother’s attempts to draw you in!)

I find it divisive and sad

As divisive and sad as a father abandoning his own children to play happy families with his shiny new wife and her children?

The grandmother is clearly looking out for her own disadvantaged grandkids after her useless son let them down.

The grandmother is a wise woman indeed. She knows if she left everything 50/50 to her two children that her son’s children might get nothing. If he predeceases his second wife leaving his estate to her, she would in turn leave her estate to her two children. Not a chance in hell she’d leave anything to his biological children.

OP your family sound lovely, helping your brothers ex wife and being a proper family to his children whom he’s abandoned. He’s being greedy. He’s badgering your mother, she needs your support. Get her to tell your brother she’s changed her will to get him to stop pestering her, it’s actually abusive to her. He’s even trying to get you to agree with him.

Mmm this is the thing. Where there are DSGC plus at least one parent who's determined they be treated equally to the bio GC, there's a risk bio GC get nothing at all if the GP doesn't make them direct beneficiaries.

I'm glad your mother has bypassed your brother.

He would never channel his mother's hard earned money to her own grandchildren, as are her wishes.

Your mother has clear views and she is allowed to make certain of her wishes.

You leave % to each grandchild. So she could do 80% between 4 bio grandchildren and 10% each to others. Or 88% and 12%. Just choose the numbers. It’s about rememberIng them but it doesn’t have to be equal. As son is getting nothing what involvement will he want with his mother when push comes to shove? Not much one assumes.

There’s another aspect to this your DM might be aware of and not mentioning.

Statistically speaking- if someone has had one failed marriage /has ended a relationship with someone they have dcs with, it’s more likely their current marriage will end in divorce than survive.

In these cases, it’s really unusual for a family to maintain long term relationships with ex- step children.

I strongly disagree with this. I much prefer this situation where the person is alive to have a conversation with, so they can explain their reasoning and make it clear why they’ve done something different than the typical equal split between their children.

As your will is your last statement to the world about what you value and who you value - by discussing it in advance it gives right of reply to those effected, much better this way than suddenly feeling an insult while grieving. (And it means you can see if they don’t value you much, there’s no way that your SIL will be doing care for her MIL now! She knows she and her dcs are not really family to your mum, so won’t fall in the trap of feeling equally responsible to look after her.)

Perhaps when there are step siblings/grandchildren then it’s best to share your will between your own children equally for them to decide how best to share between their children.