AIBU to stay out of my mum's decision about her will?

[MoneyandInheritance]

My mum has recently told me and my brother about her will. She is leaving nothing to us but is instead splitting it between her biological grandchildren. I have two children, my brother has two children with his with his ex and also two step children with his new wife who he has been with for about 10 years. My mum has always been kind to his SC, included them in gifts at Xmas, buys them things here and there like she does my children and my brothers bio children.

My brother is really annoyed with our mum, saying she should treat his SC like her bio GC and is pressuring me to tell her that she is wrong and needs to change her will. He says he would like it to be 50/50 between me and him but did say maybe he should get more because he has 4 children.

I have refused to get involved and said it’s not for us to decide what she does with her money, which is true, but I’m also glad that she isn’t leaving money to step grandchildren. AIBU? We don’t need the money and we can afford to help our children with uni, house deposits etc. My brother isn’t poor but I don’t know how much he’ll be able to help his children out. I just don’t care, I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t want my mum thinking I’m talking behind her back about her money and choices. My brother has told her he isn’t happy and I’ve told my mum I’m happy with whatever she wants.

I've said this before on step-kids posts, that people who insist all children should be treated the same don't always extend that to inheritance. Which I personally think is fair enough, but can understand why kids why it's confusing for kids if they are treated as equal to 'blood' relatives in some ways but not others.

It's not all or nothing though. The OP's mum (or whoever) could leave something to stepchildren whilst still leaving most to biological children.

He’s a cheeky sod. And your feelings are absolutely valid.

As if you should advocate for your own children to miss out, he’s mad.

I presume it’s a deliberate decision so that her money goes to her biological family, not step family. Also, she knows that me and my brother are doing well financially. That’s how she has chosen to do it and I don’t see it as my place to question it.

Did you miss the bit where their biological dad is dead, so op's brother is their only father?

She can choose who to leave her money to. Your brother pressuring her to leave her money to his step kids is likely why she's skipping you and him. She wants it to go to her bio grandkids.

But why does that mean my mum should do something in her will that she doesn’t want to do? Their own grandparents (their dads parents) feel no obligation to them, but my mum should?

But why does that mean my mum should do something in her will that she doesn’t want to do?

I dont understand why she doesn't want to.

She treats them well now, as though they were her biological grandchildren. Their biological father is dead, so your brother is their only father. He could adopt them. Their paternal grandparents are estranged. Why wouldn't she want to leave them something even if she wants to leave the bulk of it to her biological grandchildren?

I think this is why no one should skip a generation with inheritances. Seems pretty clear your mum has done this because ultimately, despite outward appearances, she doesn't see these children as family and she doesn't want her money going to them via her son. She can't help how she feels and for all I know if I had step-grandchildren I would feel the same. However, it's pretty shitty for them to find out on her death that they never really were part of the family after all, especially since their father is dead and and there is conflict with the rest of their wider family. In your mum's position I do hope that I would think that,regardless of how I feel about all these grandchildren and step-grandchildren, one unshakeable fact that is that I love my own children absolutely and equally. Therefore, they get 50/50 each and whatever they choose to do with that, including after their deaths and assuming there is any left by then, is entirely their own decision and choice. That is what I intend to do.

I also don't love your comment about not caring whether your brother can afford to put all his children through uni. I have no siblings so can't say how I feel about anything like that but I do hope my own dc have more empathy for each other than that.

Your mum should leave her money to whoever she wants, but I do think it's cruel if she otherwise treats the step children as grand children. It'll come as a nasty shock to them if they consider her family then they get to find out while grieving that she didn't feel the same. If everyone already knows where they stand that's not an issue though.

Either way it's between your brother and your mum so you're doing the right thing staying out of it.

No

I also don't love your comment about not caring whether your brother can afford to put all his children through uni

Yes the OP is not coming over well. We have tonnes of money, we dont need any inheritance so we dont care - except she does care! She said she's glad her mum isn't leaving anything to the step grandchildren.

It’s her money. As long as she is of sound mind, she can give it all to the Cats Home if she so chooses.
Definitely stay out of it.

It’ll be interesting to see what people think the answer to that is.

My in laws have skipped my DH and BIL and sent inheritance to our kids and BILs kids (luckily we have two each!). I assumed it was either because both us and BIL are comfortably off OR it was so that if any of us divorce the money won’t leave the family.

I don’t fully understand it because the money left to our kids will go into our family trust anyway so they may as well have left it to us. Equally, I’m not sure my SIL and BIL are 100% happy so maybe they thought they might divorce and then had to treat DH and I the same.

Anyway, it’s not my money so I have kept my nose out!

I expect your mum has chosen to do it this way because if she left her estate to you and your brother if your brother then dies his wife would inherit everything from him and it's possible she then leaves everything to her kids and the biological grandchildren get nothing.

I think your mum's decision is fine. Being kind to children doesn't mean you have to love them as your bio grandchildren or leave your estate to them. Their parents shouldn't encourage them to believe that would be the case of thst she is their Gran.

Knowing this is the arrangement your brother and his partner will probably try to save for his step kids to to attempt some element of evening things up.

No, she is kind to them but she doesn’t think of them as her GC. She never has.

The children wouldn’t want to be adopted.

I am not going to question my mum on what she does with her money. If someone did that to me, I’d tell them to piss off. It’s her money. I wouldn’t want to leave money to step children either so I presume she feels like I do, that money should stay within the actual family.

I think you have made the right decision. All you need is to know where a copy of the will is, and who the executors are, for when the sad day comes.

No, she is kind to them but she doesn’t think of them as her GC. She never has.

If that's clear now to the children, and is the general view within the wider family, then that sits more comfortably.

(Although I personally think a small bequest would be a nice gesture in the circumstances. As I keep saying, it doesn't have to be an all or nothing situation.)

He can ask his kids to do a variation so they get half and give other half to step sisters/brothers.

I presume it’s a deliberate decision so that her money goes to her biological family, not step family

This, and I would do the same in her shoes

I also don't love your comment about not caring whether your brother can afford to put all his children through uni. I have no siblings so can't say how I feel about anything like that but I do hope my own dc have more empathy for each other than that.

I never said that I don’t care about that. I said I don’t know how much he’ll be able to help because I don’t know how much available cash they have. I do know on paper he earns as well as we do, but obviously he has been through a divorce and has chosen to take on 2 more children. I also don’t know how much they owe on their mortgages etc because I don’t ask. They do have rental properties and a holiday home so they aren’t poor but I don’t know how much available cash they have. It’s not my business or responsibility.

I don’t care about what my mum does. If she changes her will to leave as much to the step kids, I don’t care. I have a busy life and I just can’t be bothered with my brother moaning to me about something I have no control over.

Firstly I suggest that a trust should be set up so that the children dont come in to the money at 18.

I also quite understand how inheritance can play out with 'blended' families

For what its worth in my mid 30's I was dating a woman with a son in his early teens.

My mothers comment for what its worth was that 'Steps get the same deal' now the relationship didnt last that long and there were no Grandchildren at that time but I think that her meaning was pretty clear.

yeah, it’s the exquisite combination of your own financial security and complete lack of interest or compassion for the step kids that comes across as deeply unappealing.

Sorry but she’s doing the right thing. You have 2 children and he has 2 kids. So she has 4 biological grandchildren and has split it that way.

Your brothers sc have 2 parents and 2 sets of families who can leave them things in their wills if they want to