AIBU to feel dads get more praise for everyday childcare?

[Tinselandtrainers]

I had to go into hospital, totally unexpectedly, for ten days.

DH and I have DS, who is four years old.

When I came back home, everyone (friends and neighbours) kept telling me how "Brilliant" DH was at looking after DS.

DH works from home, so school drop off etc isn't a problem for him. I usually do it though because I work there every day.

It's been a few weeks since this all happened, but I'm feeling annoyed at the praise heaped on DH because he's a man! I usually do everything for DS in terms of taking to activities and parties etc, and no one ever tells me that I'm doing really well. Neither should they, of course - he's my responsibility.

It's as if people think I was on holiday, or something, rather than a lot of stress and pain in hospital.

AIBU to think that dads who step up in childcare get more credit than mums?

Yes I had the same thing after a stay in hospital. Just sexism isn't it I guess.

YANBU. Two of DDs infant school friends had lost a parent very young. One had a single mother and the other a single father.

I will leave it to you to imagine the HUGE difference in praise that was regularly heaped on just one of these sadly widowed parents.

‘Hands on dad’

’Helped out with the kids’

‘Helps with bedtime’

See it all the time here.

If he did so well he'll obviously be doing at least 50:50 once you are back 100%.
Won't he ?
You have the ammunition 😊

Well I wouldn't be doing everything going forward, he should be doing his share of parties and activities!

I had a couple of week long hospital stays when DD1 was 18months old ish and was on a ward with primarily older women. The sheer amount of incredulity when asked who was looking after DD and I replied DH was amazing. I think most expected a mum or MIL roped in to help. They were even more shocked when I told them DH was a stay at home dad!

I hope to be a small part of the attitude change towards default parents, I do it in small acts of rebellion, like putting DH's number first on contact forms (and pointing that out when inevitably school phone me first) and sending DH to baby groups.

Yep, it’s annoying. As long as your husband doesn’t think he’s done anything amazing though, then just roll your eyes or say something like ‘yes, he’s a fully functioning human, even with that penis attached’.

I hope you’re feeling better.

My BIL regularly said he was ‘babysitting’ his own children. I remember my partner saying ‘how the fuck are you babysitting, they’re your kids!’ BIL really didn’t get it and thought he was doing a great service to his wife who only wasn’t looking after them because she was working. He took them to his parents house where MIL looked after them while he watched the football, yet MIL still thought he was great for having the kids to ‘let’ his wife work. 😵‍💫

Oh yes, my ex in laws think my ex is absolutely fabulous looking after our kids every other weekend. Apparently, “he does everything”.

Yes! I was walking to the station with my neighbour who was telling me how amazing my husband is, I informed her I’m quite good too seeing as I was going to work to pay the mortgage and he was doing the childcare. Women need to stop praising these men because they entertain useless men.

Patriarchy, misogyny, sexism
All of the above and more.

People need to be reminded, When a dad has his children, its not that they are 'looking after them", its not "childcare" its parenting. It isnt special; its basic.

I remember when my son wad tiny and I took an evening job in a bar when dh could be home with the kids and when I met the bar manager the first thing he told me very proudly was that he had been a single Dad. I then worked with him for about a year and in that time I heard all the disgusting comments he made about single mums and wish I’d pointed out his proud achievement of being a single dad but he was my manager so I didn’t.

Oh yes, if contributing in any way it’s often presented as doing the mum a favour too…!

Yep, I was told DH was a fantastic dad simple because he looked after his own child!

Yep, the expectations are very different.

That being said, there's still a difference between you both being around and one of you in hospital with the other doing 100% plus handing a potentially worried child and a change in routine. I think you'd both deserve a well done in that circumstance, and would probably get it (though more for him 🙄).

I used to hear about how amazing my very abusive ex was from school, other parents etc.

He never did a parents evening, never sent in PE kit / water bottle / lunches / paid trips etc and I always got the calls to pick up the slack (and did, despite being the only one of us who worked) but "he does so well with them".

What was funny was seeing the look on my oldest DS face whenever it was said.

I hope you're not going back to doing everything in terms of activities, OP. Your DS's dad should be doing half of it. Maybe that would help people to be lass astonished when he parents.

I was told by one neighbour that DH had "Done me proud" because he'd remember drop off and pick up times, FFS.

I only do most things because it's convenient for us both and DH doesn't think that he deserves extra praise.

It's funny that 'family man' is a phrase, but not 'family woman'. Pisses me off.

Bit like working mother. You don't hear about working fathers.

Edited for blasted autocorrect apostrophe 🙄

This attitude has been going on for ever. I was a SAHM when my now adult DD was young, and had responsibility for her about 90% of the time. I would go out with a friend on a Saturday evening once every 2 or 3 weeks,for about 6 hours, leaving DD with her dad,who was perfectly happy about it. But to hear his family talk,you'd have thought I was dumping her on him every night of the week. Singing his praises left right and centre, how wonderful he was to look after his own daughter for a few hours by himself. Really used to piss me off. I put it down to jealousy. My SIL had 3 young children and her partner wouldn't look after them for 5 minutes,never mind a few hours.

I don’t even know what that means.

Absolutely agree OP! DH has been praised for doing the most basic parenting: feeding them, doing the school run, getting them dressed.

When a mother gives her child a meal, there will be comments that it's the wrong kind of food, the child is being fed too much/too little/too early/too late, they're not wearing a bib, etc. A father will be praised for feeding his child, full stop. No negative comments. It really does my head in.

When our DC were small DH and I each spent some time as SAHP, some time working full time and some time working full time. We both noticed that when DH as SAHP he was highly praised by everyone and I was told how incredibly lucky I was to have a husband willing work so hard as a 'hands on Dad' so I could further my career. When we switched roles I was also told by the same people how lucky I was to have a DH who could provide for me so I could 'take some time off'.

Plus school always called me first if one of the DC were ill etc, even though we had intentionally listed DH as the primary contact when he was SAHP and he was the one they always saw at the gates etc.

Which bit don't you understand?

It’s infuriating. My DH does (mostly) do his fair share of parenting - and it’s parenting of course, not childcare - but if I have to listen again to his mother wang on about how brilliant he is when he does something basic like cook dinner for DC, or the school runs, I will lose my mind! I have to remind myself that my mil is 80 and was a SAHM to stop myself from saying anything…