AIBU to feel dads get more praise for everyday childcare?

[Tinselandtrainers]

I had to go into hospital, totally unexpectedly, for ten days.

DH and I have DS, who is four years old.

When I came back home, everyone (friends and neighbours) kept telling me how "Brilliant" DH was at looking after DS.

DH works from home, so school drop off etc isn't a problem for him. I usually do it though because I work there every day.

It's been a few weeks since this all happened, but I'm feeling annoyed at the praise heaped on DH because he's a man! I usually do everything for DS in terms of taking to activities and parties etc, and no one ever tells me that I'm doing really well. Neither should they, of course - he's my responsibility.

It's as if people think I was on holiday, or something, rather than a lot of stress and pain in hospital.

AIBU to think that dads who step up in childcare get more credit than mums?

When I'd had baby no. 2 my DM insisted on attending with my DH when he took both to baby group, but apparently I'm fine to go by myself.

On the other hand, my DH was with our kids in the supermarket who were young at the time and an old woman told him the kids wouldn't be misbehaving if mum was here.

I don’t understand the link to working fathers. How does that relate to the OP?

i do think it's a bit different holding everything together whilst one partner is in hospital. i'd give a mum extra support and probably saying she was doing brilliantly in this situation,

I was on a business trip when I had just gone back after 2nd maternity leave. Had about a dozen conversations with male colleagues (who themselves had young kids) in the lines of:
-so who's taking care of the kids while you're away?
-Probably the same person as in your case, their other parent..
-oh...aren't you worried, leaving them all alone like that??
-no. Are you?

AS the Farideh song goes:

I did the cooking and the cleaning and the groceries and the laundry
Fed the cat and the kids and someone stole my coffee
Bought a gift for your mother that she probably won't like
Paid some bills, wiped some butts, broke up a couple fights
Then I just about lost my mind cause we both took the kids to the park and someone said to you

You are such a good dad

OP said her husband was being praised for doing what any good father would do. She also said ‘It's funny that 'family man' is a phrase, but not 'family woman'.’

Other posters gave examples of the different expectations of fathers v mothers.

I just highlighted that the expression ‘working mother’ is often used. Sometimes positively, in that she handles a job and being a mother but sometimes negatively in that she should be concentrating on the child(ren).

However, the expression working father is rarely if ever used and mostly fathers are not judged by whether they decide to work or not.

Yeah, 100%. I was in hospital for a few days last summer and every time my OH brought my daughter in to visit all the (mainly older) ladies in the room were beaming at him and going on about how well he was doing.

Meanwhile you have Emily Andre go off on a hen weekend and spend the entire time posting about how Pete is being such a trouper and holding down the fort!!!
He’s gone in the stag this weekend … wonder if he’ll be posting the same???

What? How terrible they are for not bringing up their own kids … meanwhile, the man must be looked after as he is the breadwinner!!

I had a similar experience - my exh put on my daughter’s birthday party at his house because it was his weekend of contact and I was working weekend shifts as a midwife.

I did every other birthday party her whole childhood from the age of 2!

I had months of parents at school telling me how wonderful he was!

With you on this. When I was on my own with my baby and husband working away for long periods I was left to cope. I was away with our baby visiting my dad and poor husband got invited round to the neighbours for several evening meals! It’s two tier society still for women with childcare responsibilities.

I’m reminded of this comic about the double standards of parenting:

Totally agree with this. A friend of mine was widowed young and had three small children. She would regularly be treated with thinly disguised contempt by people and then one day, someone in the office at her dc's school said something to her whilst looking down their nose and mentioned the 'single mother' thing. My friend saw red. "I'm not a single mother", she said, "I'm a WIDOW!!".
Well this person's attitude changed in a millisecond from a sneer to smiling concern and she began falling over herself to be helpful from then onwards.

Yep! My MIL swooned at DH making me a sandwich and taking our toddler to the park when I was 24hrs postpartum. She was singing his praises about how lucky I was to have such an incredible hands on husband, who not only took care of our toddler, fed me and hosted her and FIL after he’d been through such a traumatic experience and should have been resting. I had a long labour, tore and haemorrhaged, but poor DH 🙄

DH regularly takes our toddler to the park. He gets so much praise from strangers or comments like “is mummy working?” and “it’s so lovely to see such a hands on dad”

Tbf it really pisses him off. I thought he was going to drop kick our neighbour into another county when he asked him if he was babysitting.

Is it really that different than when a woman gets more praise for doing diy, heavy gardening, or car maintenance (for example).

Societal changes to make it a norm, take time, generations of time.

I suppose the difference is that DIY, heavy gardening, and car maintenance are infrequent jobs, while childcare is every day. Seeing your partner being praised for something that you do everyday without the same praise is irritating. Plus men also liked to be praised for DIY etc!

However, you are right that things will hopefully change over the generations and men looking after their own children will not be seen as unusual 🤞