With dementia on the increase, AIBU to think that many overestimate the amount of inheritance they may receive?

[EndlessSeaViews]

I can't help but wonder if people (who currently don't have an elderly or unwell parent) realise just how expensive care fees are in this country?

I see so many inheritance threads on here and people getting upset because they have discovered a sibling or other relative is set to benefit more from a potential will or that a parent or in-law has suggested they should add this person in or take that person out and see threads stating 'We are set to inherit this or dc will be rich at 25 with this big inheritance from their gp' etc?

I can't help but wonder with an ever growing ageing society and diseases like dementia being the biggest killer in this country that many people will have a shock when their parent or grandparent ends up in a care home and all of 'their' inheritance is swallowed up.

I'll be honest, up until a few years ago, I too had no idea just how expensive care costs are to the individual or to society in general.

My parents are in their 80's and mum is (now) in advanced Alzheimer's disease having suffered for the last 8 years and even though she also has cancer, heart disease and osteoporosis her poor body must have a strong will and desire to keep on living because despite succumbing to various infections and a couple of falls over the last year, one which saw her fracture her neck (a fracture that most elderly osteoporosis sufferers die from), she keeps on going.

Due to her frailty and double incontinence she requires carers 3 times a day which is currently costing mum £4k per month (almost £40k so far). Thankfully my parents can afford this. Post hospital discharge mum had 6 weeks of 'free' LA funded care and it was dreadful, so we are thankful there are funds for private care and I will forever be grateful for that. This current care though is really not enough so between my elderly father, my sister and I we fill in the rest of the time (carers only here for a maximum of 3 hours per day, usually less) and it is beyond stressful. Eventually and probably sooner rather than later we will have to conclude we just can not keep mum at home any longer and she will most probably have to go into a care home and with her growing complex needs it will more than likely cost £1600+ per week, so at least £70k per year. Dad is 85 this year and although he is in physical good health we are concerned that his cognition is declining too so who knows what the future lies ahead for him and how much care he may need?

DH's uncle had a stroke two years ago and has been in a care home, on end of life care, for the last 18 months, this has so far racked up a bill of £150k.

Personally, I have never relied on an potential future inheritance and I am thankful that my parents have enough funds to be able to pay for the best care their money can buy, I know many are not so lucky. But I could never rely on my parents money coming my way and so dh and I have long ago made our own provisions for the future but reading so many of the inheritance threads here with siblings squabbling over wills whilst their (often not yet too elderly) parents are still in fine fettle makes me wonder how many will be in for a big shock should either of their parents or relatives become one of the many who are diagnosed with dementia every year and need lots of care?

Dementia patients shouldn't have to fund care home costs. Google continuing healthcare it should be covered by the local authority

What he doesn’t say, and may not realise, that which I highlighted earlier - many people choose to have care at home costing as much if not more than care fees.

80k pa is entry level now, doesn’t take inflation into account and that’s only one person’s set of care fees. I’d keep in reserve 2 years for 2 people - so 400k.

It’s not a situation I find myself in so it’s quite hard to relate to. I suppose it’s the house isn’t it in a lot of these cases that’s worth loads and I don’t have that with my remaining parent, lovely new build three bed semi but shared ownership so won’t be worth a lot (and will be a pain to sort out). I spend more on her than she does on me, I think my birthday present from her was a tenner, i probably spend nearer to £100 on hers and take her out for meals where it wouldn’t occur to her to even bring her purse.

She has said a couple of times something about me inheriting (only child) and when I said you may need it all for care costs she was horribly offended.

Most people have not read Bleak House unless they're especially interested in literature, no. Otherwise, most people's exposure to Dickens is A Christmas Carol and Oliver Twist. Your pearl-clutching is funny!

Why not? Why should the state pay? The state already funds attendance allowance. Fact, is state can’t afford to pay.

You are correct OP. Costs for private social care are an outrage. We have limits for energy etc but social care, no.
It might not be so bad if the care was exceptional. But standards, like much, are low.

CHC funding is NHS funding controlled by the ICB. It is not local authority funding - and thank god it isn't, local authorities are on their financial knees already with the amount of their budget that has to be spent on social care

yup its definitely true. If you count in people who are receiving in home care either from paid carers or family or a mixture, the number goes up a bit but not hugely. Actually the number in res care has gone down a tiny bit, it used to be around 5%

My DSiS works for an IFA. She’s concluded that middle class families can either take responsibility for looking after elderly parents themselves and then get some inheritance or the parents can go into a care home and fund it with the inheritance (probably the family home).

But they can’t have care home care and leave any inheritance for the kids.

This.

I see someone mentioned continuing healthcare; I must admit I was wondering about that in respect of your dh’s uncle. He must be receiving nursing, as opposed to general, care surely? You don’t hear much about continuing healthcare but if nursing homes are getting paid anyway (by the family) I have always wondered if they’re entirely on it when it comes to telling residents and families that continuing healthcare is now appropriate.

And I absolutely agree with your post btw

@Destiny123you don’t get continuing healthcare just for having dementia. There has to be a number of other factors. It’s a high threshold.

Exactly this! Care fees are massive. Carers themselves though are often on minimum wage. Go figure.

I cant tell whether this post is showing more resentment or entitlement. I’m not sure what the actual facts are behind We both "suffered" because …… our parents ……effectively not being allowed to have a better education, sounds like you are saying parents should have done private education or tutoring? would have improved your lot in life, made the difference and you and or DH would be rolling in it now.

For comparison, I’m a daughter of economic migrants, essentially unschooled parents who worked manual jobs. Working class. I went to a bad comprehensive in a suburb of a very large city, expectations were very low. But I was top stream for academic subjects, worked hard ish and got a full set of GCE exams, A levels and went to uni. Then a PhD and a switched direction to a different role with a steady career. Not megabucks, but rewarding and challenging. Since then bcs of life long learning, I have qualified with a PG Dip and a Masters. Promoted a few times and moved around.

I have paid off my house, no debt, and very comfortable. Pension ok (but I would certainly feel any means testing of State Pension!). Similar to OP and PPs, I encouraged parents to spend what they had on themselves. They were self funding for care too, it was costly, as was the down size to a disability sensitive bungalow.

I didn’t need or expect parents to facilitate my life choices, I had out educated them aged 13. I made my own choices and built my own life, it’s odd that an adult thinks parents not providing a better education is to blame for their life. I sometimes fear for the independence of younger people and their generation and it doesn’t help social mobility that some look to the bank of mum and dad so much to get by. 😔. I may have mis understood the intent behind the post, in which case apologies!

A fistful of pills and a bottle of whisky is the only sensible answer, but I don't know if I'll have the fortitude to do it while I still have the ability to do it.

I have had contact this week with NHS district nurse and NHS physiotherapist -talking about the elderly and they both did not have much to say in support of care homes - especially the costs. Though nurse said there were good ones.

I agree with you @EndlessSeaViews . So many people are horribly unprepared for the realities of dementia.

The main problem is that people are being kept alive longer than they should be. Clinically, XYZ might be the appropriate treatment but is it right for someone who no longer knows what is going on?

My DM is bedbound with late stage vascular dementia plus a whole host of other problems. But still we have to argue with the GP to prevent her being dragged from her comfortable CH bed to spend hours if not days in hospital for no good purpose.

My own plan is an advanced directive. Once I am diagnosed with dementia I do not want to even be offered ABs for a UTI. I would far rather die too soon than too late. FOLO (Fear of Lingering On) rather than FOMO.

I'm fortunate I'm in Scotland and we get free personal care and free nursing care so while that won't pay the full cost of a private nursing home, it certainly helps keep the cost down.

Though who knows what it will be like by the time I'm elderly! Because as we know, money has to come from this from somewhere!

We're 70. DH's parents are both dead: FIL went first, assiduously nursed by DMIL, who subsequently developed vascular dementia. Just pre-COVID, SIL needed a new knee, so MIL went into respite care for six weeks while sister recuperated, and couldn't leave on schedule. She spent the next 30 months in two different care homes (at £4500 per month) before a fall put her in hospital, where she deteriorated. Finally discharged by the NHS who admitted they couldn't do anything more back to the care home, where she died six hours later.

My DM died suddenly in her sleep, without any serious health issues. My DF is 92, and is very well looked after despite having no memory of his first family, by his second wife and their children who live close enough to help her out.

There have been fairly modest inheritances on both sides, both shared with siblings. We have handed it all over to our child, plus a good half of our pension lump sum, so he can buy a modest terraced house outright. As long as one of us lasts another six years, that will be free of inheritance tax.

Our house may have to be sold to pay for our care, who knows, so this route is our solution to giving security now, when it is needed.

sometimes, in my experience, it gets beyond the capabilities of even the most devoted family unless there are enough of them to work in shifts.....and if the person becomes violent....well that deffo needs specialist support.

what pills and how will you get them?

I can see the attraction of assisted death as a neat solution for a parent who does not want to be a burden to their children or have care home fees unnecessarily eat up the children's inheritance to prolong a life not worth living at least in the final stages.

The difficulty is at what point do you decide it is time to push the trigger for assisted death. Too soon and you give up good years unnecessarily. Too late and you lose the capacity to make the decision. When it really comes down to it, can anyone hand-on-heart say that they would not baulk? The person will also come under intense emotional pressure from loved ones not to do it. It takes quite a strong person to actually pull the trigger on themselves (figuratively, if not literally) at a point in their lives where they still could live on and want to live on. Leave it too late and the choice is taken from you.

but do you KNOW that innappropriate treatments are being given?

Indeed and I can see my neighbour. She has spent the last ten years looking afyer her in-laws for 6 months of the year, here from India and then her own parents who moved in with her. They are all now dead. She is now run ragged looking after a three year old, soon to be joined by a one year old. She looks haggard and knackered and her hair is thinning. We are both 65.

Once someone has heart failure, kidney failure plus dementia, doubly incontinent, bedbound IMO any active treatment is inappropriate.