With dementia on the increase, AIBU to think that many overestimate the amount of inheritance they may receive?

[EndlessSeaViews]

I can't help but wonder if people (who currently don't have an elderly or unwell parent) realise just how expensive care fees are in this country?

I see so many inheritance threads on here and people getting upset because they have discovered a sibling or other relative is set to benefit more from a potential will or that a parent or in-law has suggested they should add this person in or take that person out and see threads stating 'We are set to inherit this or dc will be rich at 25 with this big inheritance from their gp' etc?

I can't help but wonder with an ever growing ageing society and diseases like dementia being the biggest killer in this country that many people will have a shock when their parent or grandparent ends up in a care home and all of 'their' inheritance is swallowed up.

I'll be honest, up until a few years ago, I too had no idea just how expensive care costs are to the individual or to society in general.

My parents are in their 80's and mum is (now) in advanced Alzheimer's disease having suffered for the last 8 years and even though she also has cancer, heart disease and osteoporosis her poor body must have a strong will and desire to keep on living because despite succumbing to various infections and a couple of falls over the last year, one which saw her fracture her neck (a fracture that most elderly osteoporosis sufferers die from), she keeps on going.

Due to her frailty and double incontinence she requires carers 3 times a day which is currently costing mum £4k per month (almost £40k so far). Thankfully my parents can afford this. Post hospital discharge mum had 6 weeks of 'free' LA funded care and it was dreadful, so we are thankful there are funds for private care and I will forever be grateful for that. This current care though is really not enough so between my elderly father, my sister and I we fill in the rest of the time (carers only here for a maximum of 3 hours per day, usually less) and it is beyond stressful. Eventually and probably sooner rather than later we will have to conclude we just can not keep mum at home any longer and she will most probably have to go into a care home and with her growing complex needs it will more than likely cost £1600+ per week, so at least £70k per year. Dad is 85 this year and although he is in physical good health we are concerned that his cognition is declining too so who knows what the future lies ahead for him and how much care he may need?

DH's uncle had a stroke two years ago and has been in a care home, on end of life care, for the last 18 months, this has so far racked up a bill of £150k.

Personally, I have never relied on an potential future inheritance and I am thankful that my parents have enough funds to be able to pay for the best care their money can buy, I know many are not so lucky. But I could never rely on my parents money coming my way and so dh and I have long ago made our own provisions for the future but reading so many of the inheritance threads here with siblings squabbling over wills whilst their (often not yet too elderly) parents are still in fine fettle makes me wonder how many will be in for a big shock should either of their parents or relatives become one of the many who are diagnosed with dementia every year and need lots of care?

I am seeing Gen X era remortgaging to give house deposits / house purchase money to their young adult children. Makes sense for parents to buy 2 bed flat for two siblings to live in rather than two YA DC haemorrhaging money to landlords.

Well mil pays £150000 per year in her Surrey care home. She has advanced dementia and has no idea where she is. Half a million will buy her three years. She has been there two years already. So even seemingly huge amounts don't last long.

I’m well aware that AA doesn’t cover dementia or complex disability costs which you might have figured from my posts on this thread.

Realistically however, the government simply cannot afford to fund elderly people beyond pensions + AA + nursing care where the criteria is met other than those they are currently funding due to low savings (ie under £23k).

I have seen two great grandparents, 4 grandparents and 3 grandparents-in-laws pass aged between 85 and 97. 3 due to cancer, 1 pneumonia and 5 dementia. Death is brutal but sometimes living is harder.

The two great grandparents had council care in the 90s-early 00s and were bleak. I recall my great grandads home cost in the region of £450 a week in 2002. ,

Two sets for grandparents had the combination of a physical frail husband with a wife with dementia. The husband loving carrying the burden until his health couldn't take it any more. One had a heart attack and the family had to urgently put in 24h nursing care in place as the pandemic had hidden her decline from them, they had moved in retirement to be a 4h drive from family and were quite isolated. She went into care soon after he was discharged from hospital and 2 months later he joined her as after nearly 70 year of marriage all he wanted to do every day was be with her and it was difficult to get there and back every day. The care home fees at one point were £1800 for her and £1200 for him a week. He was diagnosed with cancer for the second time and passed away a couple of months later and she lived for another 3 years.

The other set of grandparents lived in the same village as the family. It was a slow slip with my gran, social visits started to merge into care visits. Making sure she had easy meals to eat turned to making them meals to feeding them the meals. My grandad had failing eyesight. My gran was a fall risk. They were both in their 90s with bodies that had worked hard for 90s years there were a lot of meds to handle - diabetes, asthma, copd, sodium issues, blood pressure issues. My gran was doubly incontinent and had been battling utis for the previous 25 years. My mum had retired from nursing 10 year earlier when her body struggled with the demands of nursing were too much. She found herself round there house 4 or 5 times a day sometimes arriving for breakfast going home at midnight as something had come up that needed sorting. It became a lot and they got in carers 4 times a day but they found it a lot and couldn't always be relied on. Hospital admissions for my gran resulted in care home stays for my gran which led to hospital stays for her too. Until my grandad passed. They turned my grans house into a hospital at home until it was then my mum in the back of the ambulance with her failing body. She went into a care home and passed a 8 weeks later. My mum was heartbroken that she had had to put her into a care home but she really had no other option. The last 2 years of care she had at home took a lot from the whole family. We were fortunate to have a number that had care experience so they had the skills to provide them care and dignity at home.

The hardest 3 relatives were the 3 with dementia that lived alone. Slipping into alternative worlds during the day, persuading them it was the right call to leave their homes and enter residential care was more of a battle. Having lived alone for decades they were all fiercely independent but slowly lost the difference between what they used to be able to do and what they can now do.

Both of my dad's parents died of cancer at home surrounded by their children in the same bed. Neither wanted hospice care, they wanted to be cared for at home. The last few days were incredibly difficult but the family rallied and supported them. The biggest difference was it was clearer that the end was the end. There was one relative that had 4 this looks to be the end only for them to some how survive the night and bounce back, it took 6 months for them to die, it was so unimaginably hard on all involved.

Anti emetics- the whisky will do the rest.
Either that or I'll wake up with a banging hangover and try again the next night.

Dh’s mum ate through a lot of money, 7 figure variety without even going into a care home (no dementia but had a lot of in home help) in a way her death was timely as money was running out bar the house (which won’t sell)

But who will be left to find you once you done that. Do you have dc, a partner? Would you want them to discover you?

Our friend has just a few weeks to months to live, he doesn't want to see his cancer take him to the end, he wants to take his own life now but says he can't because he knows it would be awful for his wife and/or children to find him.

None of us want to see out terminal illness to the end but realistically what is the alternative with assisted dying not legal here in the UK? I can't imagine leaving my family to pick up the pieces.

You'd have to have a plan to avoid that, whatever that plan may be. But I do understand why anyone would want to go way before their dementia or other disease gets to the end.

That's a lot, how long was she unwell?

My parents were clever, they sold our family childhood home and whilst in capacity gave equal inheritance to me and my brother a decade ago, god were we born to the right people. I don’t know if it is something to do with both sets of grandparents having no money and all dying young (they didn’t reach the really senior years) as a child I remember my parents helping their parents.

The care home fees have nothing on cost of living. That’s some hotel bill 😢 I understand where people are coming from when they say Mum/Dad would have wanted me to have this. God what can you say.

Is there also a risk that caring for parents will not just reduce the inheritance but burn through it completely. Will families then come under pressure to top up CH fees so that DPs can stay in the nicer, more expensive CH where they are settled?

We have the baby boom generation (aged 62-80) starting to come into the 'needing support' age now. Through advances in healthcare this generation is going to live longer though not necessarily more healthily than the previous generation.

We need to start having the difficult conversations whether with our parents or as the older generation ourselves. I have started this with my DH and DCs (I'm 59). My preference is to state in an Advance Directive that if I have a dementia diagnosis that I want all medication & treatment to stop. This includes the various 'maintenance' medications I take now.

This does mean that my family can push for a dementia DX the second I get the kids names mixed up if they are wanting to get their hands on the family coffers. But frankly, watching my DM's agonisingly slow decline, I would far rather go a few years early than a few years late.

I know a lot of People who have been gifted extremely lage sums of money by parents in their 60s precisely because of this and inheritance tax. If your clever you dispose of your assets. I have one friend living mortgage free in £800k house and another in £1m hoarse with three kids all paid for in private school. I'll know others with second homes, rental properties all paid for by £1-200k sums from parents. If you do it young enough then you can pass it all on.

It’s the parents’ choice, of course. Do you know if they are holding back the £1M or more that a few years in a good dementia care facility would cost?

I would not consign my parents to the end of life care, particularly dementia care, provided by my council just so I could benefit from their money. Bad enough that many have no choice.

I genuinely believe the people who are doing this have little to no experience of dementia or advanced elderly care or they are simply burying their heads in the sand thinking they will never get to that point in their lives.

What will they do if either of them are diagnosed with dementia or are incapacitated in some way which means there is little choice but to go into a care facility? They won’t have the funds for their families to make choices where they are cared for, they will have to rely on the local authority to decided where they will go and that is often the cheapest option.

I, personally could not have happily taken large sums of money from my parents knowing what I now know about dementia. I just couldn’t see my poor mum shoved in a less than desirable care setting. I wouldn’t sleep at night.

The example you give is fine if the parents are still left with many thousands for potential care costs but they will be truly buggered if they’ve dwindled their funds down to very little.

Money in the bank at an old age gives you choice and for us as a family that also gives peace of mind.

I’m doing the same, watching my mum go through such a stressful and long, drawn out evil disease such as Alzheimer’s has changed my view of elderly life completely.

I can’t see many people who have been witness to dementia feeling any other way.

Frankly, it terrifies me.

Are your parents still alive and if they are do they have the funds to cover care should they need it?

I've told my parents that if needed I will use any money they have gifted me to provide them with care they need.

Lots of people talking about what they would want ie I would rather use my parents the money to pay for care. To be clear, I don’t care what the ‘care’ looks like because I won’t know what’s going on, in fact I know I’d rather be dead. It will make ME much happier knowing my DC and GDC can have an easier life and enjoy that money rather than it going to a greedy care home and subsiding other residents who are council funded as they spent all their money/never worked. If the state insists I must be kept alive then they can pay in the same way they pay for all other illnesses.

There must be some very influential people running these homes because the £££ per week is outrageous especially when the staff are paid a pittance.

I agree that some care homes, including many council run care hones, are a scandal. PP posted a link above. This desperately needs sorting.

However it doesn’t affect my belief that doing what you can to control your own future is important. I am glad my parents did that.

Yes, my mother required proof of 2 years worth of fees. I think that must be standard.

You probably won’t get a choice regarding going into a care home unless anyone wants to give up their lifestyle to look after you. I don’t want to go into a home but it might be inevitable. I certainly don’t want my children to look after me.
If you give your money away, as you mentioned upthread, then the council can chase you for deprivation os assets. Most people think they can only go back 7 years for this. 7 years is how far they can go back for tax. For deprivation of assets they can go back a lot future and claim the money back from your children or whoever else you have given your money to.

We were told this by our solicitor, I don't think many people realise this.

@TaraRhu parents must have been very wealthy or did they downsize their lives to give to their children?

We do have a time bomb which governments have known about, but there are no real solutions (unless you believe assisted dying was part of the strategy).

NHS and social care costs are enormous and growing..not helped by the wealthy who have taken action to safeguard inheritances, through trusts or handing down inheritances early, as seen by some posters.

What happens when you have lived in a care home for a year or two and your money runs out. Do the council pay for that home or move you to a cheaper one?

If you want to give money away the best strategy is probably to take out cash on a regular basis and to give it away as cash!

I think both are possibilities.