With dementia on the increase, AIBU to think that many overestimate the amount of inheritance they may receive?

[EndlessSeaViews]

I can't help but wonder if people (who currently don't have an elderly or unwell parent) realise just how expensive care fees are in this country?

I see so many inheritance threads on here and people getting upset because they have discovered a sibling or other relative is set to benefit more from a potential will or that a parent or in-law has suggested they should add this person in or take that person out and see threads stating 'We are set to inherit this or dc will be rich at 25 with this big inheritance from their gp' etc?

I can't help but wonder with an ever growing ageing society and diseases like dementia being the biggest killer in this country that many people will have a shock when their parent or grandparent ends up in a care home and all of 'their' inheritance is swallowed up.

I'll be honest, up until a few years ago, I too had no idea just how expensive care costs are to the individual or to society in general.

My parents are in their 80's and mum is (now) in advanced Alzheimer's disease having suffered for the last 8 years and even though she also has cancer, heart disease and osteoporosis her poor body must have a strong will and desire to keep on living because despite succumbing to various infections and a couple of falls over the last year, one which saw her fracture her neck (a fracture that most elderly osteoporosis sufferers die from), she keeps on going.

Due to her frailty and double incontinence she requires carers 3 times a day which is currently costing mum £4k per month (almost £40k so far). Thankfully my parents can afford this. Post hospital discharge mum had 6 weeks of 'free' LA funded care and it was dreadful, so we are thankful there are funds for private care and I will forever be grateful for that. This current care though is really not enough so between my elderly father, my sister and I we fill in the rest of the time (carers only here for a maximum of 3 hours per day, usually less) and it is beyond stressful. Eventually and probably sooner rather than later we will have to conclude we just can not keep mum at home any longer and she will most probably have to go into a care home and with her growing complex needs it will more than likely cost £1600+ per week, so at least £70k per year. Dad is 85 this year and although he is in physical good health we are concerned that his cognition is declining too so who knows what the future lies ahead for him and how much care he may need?

DH's uncle had a stroke two years ago and has been in a care home, on end of life care, for the last 18 months, this has so far racked up a bill of £150k.

Personally, I have never relied on an potential future inheritance and I am thankful that my parents have enough funds to be able to pay for the best care their money can buy, I know many are not so lucky. But I could never rely on my parents money coming my way and so dh and I have long ago made our own provisions for the future but reading so many of the inheritance threads here with siblings squabbling over wills whilst their (often not yet too elderly) parents are still in fine fettle makes me wonder how many will be in for a big shock should either of their parents or relatives become one of the many who are diagnosed with dementia every year and need lots of care?

@hoardingwealthI will downsize so yes I’ll be in my own home (probably) but frankly if I tell my children that’s what I want I expect them to respect. They won’t put me in a home if I can’t pay for it and the council won’t as they won’t have the money.

Why aren’t more people fighting back against councils deciding they should go into a home
and be kept alive against personal wishes?!

I run a small homecare company and this is my exact experience also. Definitely not everyone but many families. It’s convinced me that euthanasia should never be extended to those with POA being able to consent as it would be abused to save inheritance.

I think you are right in everything you say OP and in my experience people are head in the sand about all aspects of elderly care. I have such a job persuading people that getting POA is essential ‘oh it costs money, I can just use mum’s online banking’ (no, that is illegal)

What's the alternative though?

Family members burning themselves out trying to help care for their loved ones (as I've been doing up till very recently) or live in care which most people don't have the funds for. We've looked into live in care, luckily my parents can afford it and they have a large property but dad doesn't want anyone living in their home which is fair enough as it's his home too. It was very expensive though.

Not sure what the answer is tbh.

Where abouts is this? We are in Essex and all the cheaper prices care homes with viewed have been messy hovels, I came out and cried after the last visit as I felt so sorry for all those poor people in there.

I feel for you.

It's a constant battle to get my father to agree to any help or spend any of his savings making life easier. It took me three years for him to agree to a carer in the mornings to come and help mum wash, he was allowing her to fend for herself and she was getting in such a mess.

He still won't agree to a cleaner, he is so messy and the house is down right dirty in places so my sister cleans for him, I refuse point blank, not when there's £300k sitting in the bank!

Yes. My mum had vascular dementia for ten years. By the time she died a few weeks ago at the age of almost 95 her suffering was awful to watch. There was nothing I could do. Her GP visited several times and deemed she wasn’t at the terminal stage where syringe drivers aimed at alleviating her pain could be administered. She died the day after the last of those visits.

Kindly, you think £1450 a week is cheap ? That’s nearly £6k a month.

I think it's great so many people are saying they would rather spend all of their money now or give it to their kids before they get into old age but do you not worry where you'll end up if the worse happens and you develop dementia or have a massive stroke and end up needing 24/7 care?

I'd give my kids my last penny if I could but now being in a position where I am looking around potential care homes for my mum I can tell you that many are not fit to put an animal in and at home care is only good if you can pick and choose the carers imo. Mum had the 6 week hospital discharge care package last year, an agency paid for by the LA. We let them go after 3 weeks. They would turn up all times of the day - morning visits would be between 6am-11am, so one day it would be 6am the next 11am but then they'd be back again at 12.30 for the lunchtime visit and then they'd be a huge gap and they wouldn't be back again until 10pm or on other occasions they would put mum to bed at 6pm and this was in the summer, sometimes they would even 'forget' to come. Most of the carers were from overseas and they'd admit that they weren't carers in the homeland, they were doing the job simply because it's the only work they can currently get. They were all lovely people and doing the best they could but all on minimum wage whilst the care companies were more than likely charging the LA £30+ ph.

Now if my parents had gifted my sister and I a huge amount from there savings long before mum was diagnosed that would have been perfectly above board and I'd probably be quite well off by now but where would that leave my poor mum now? With a LA care package as I've mentioned or maybe sitting in one of the LA funded care homes which made me weep after viewing? Personally that just would not sit well with me. In many ways I am glad my parents have kept their money to pay for their care.

The right care for them.

You sound rather deluded. £500 to look after someone 24/7? Who is going to be pay rest…

It is for a care home.

There are no care homes in our area with fees much less than that. I've enquired. As it is we are paying around £1k per week for less than 3 hours per day for mum's at home carers.

Are they much cheaper in your area?

Sorry, I'm missing something here. So who will look after you if you can't look after yourself, you can't afford to go into a care home and you say the LA won't have the money to look after you?

I managed to keep my very elderly mum at home until she passed a couple of weeks ago. She had advanced vascular dementia and two years ago significant deterioration started, which made things really difficult. I’ll be honest, it wasn’t easy and requires a certain amount of luck, but I had lasting power of attorney and sourced a local private self employed carer who came five days out of seven (and was on call the other two if needed) and cared for mum for a couple of hours twice a day.

It took pretty much every penny of mum’s income to provide the things she needed but I don’t think she would have had better care provided by the LA in a care home, and she was in her home environment with her family around her right to the end. The carer was fantastic, went above and beyond and built up a lovely relationship with mum. Our GP organised a hospital bed in a downstairs room, district nurses to monitor several times a week and other support services as needed. I understand that this scenario requires family commitment, but if you’re prepared to do it there is help out there.

The problem with this is that if you have your own home you are deemed able to afford your own care. Initially the LA can’t force you to go into care but if you become unable to care for yourself to the point where you’re at risk, then eventually the decision will be made for you.

I’ll tell you what happens to those people: they either end up in the cheap care homes with worse CQC ratings that smell of cabbage; or dependent on state care which, may be at most 3 care visits of 30 mins per day which as you note is random and sporadic. This is insufficient for their needs so either the more able partner gets relied on for care at great cost to their health and mental well-being or their kids do who can’t cope with it either. The bar for admission to a state care home is often high due to funding deficits.

People don’t realise that the most important bit of life is the one that they’re in and being old and infirm does not make them less needing of comfort and care but infinitely more.

Old age is expensive business and if you do not set aside funds to cover it it may be cold, uncomfortable and altogether miserable.

The average weekly cost for a care home in the UK is approximately £1300 for simple residential care and around £1500 for nursing care. Costs vary by region and care needs.

Around £1200 a week for simple residential care, rising to around £1500 for nursing care. Obviously more if specialist dementia care is needed.

Sorry, just read that you’re in the South. Prices are massively higher than in the North of England where we are.

Well done for googling. Care homes in London and SE cost on average £1600pw. That does not include dementia care which is more.

As has been noted several times on this thread - the cheaper care homes tend to be suboptimal.

We just got some prices around St Helens and they are coming in at £1300+ a week, for the grotty ones.

They’re not massively higher no. A difference of around £300 per week. And as I said £1300 won’t include dementia.

The big chains such as Richmond Villages, for example, have some care homes in the Midlands and North but their prices are standard nationwide afaik.

I think that’s possibly as a result of sectioning. I have a relative who had deteriorated considerably due to dementia and home carers refused to attend after she attacked them. She was sectioned under the mental health act and transferred to a unit at our local hospital where she was cared for free of charge for the duration of the section. Unfortunately section orders are regularly reviewed and once they are withdrawn the patient has to leave the unit.

Re: carers at home. We did find that we were let down quite a lot.

While we were still in the process of building on accommodation for Mum, she was living on her own, so I paid for quite a bit of extra care, including 90 minutes 'companionship' time in the evening, all from the same company subcontracted by the council.

I realised that something was off. I admit to driving over to Mum's and watching from the top of the hill. Sure enough, the care being paid to be there for 90 minutes left after 10. Now, I sympathise with the fact that the company was not giving the carers travelling time, and I would have accepted the carer shaving off 10 minutes at either end, but knocking off 80? Nope.

After Mum moved in with me, we had a 7.30 am slot booked. I can't remember the exact length of time now, but the council paid for 15 minutes and I added to it.

I needed this since I had to get ready for work, get my husband up and be on hand in case a carer needed extra help.

Two of the carers in particular were dreadful about timekeeping, causing us substantial problems. In the end, I told the company to send someone else.

I didn’t need to google thanks. Unfortunately was in the position of investigating care homes for my mum before deciding we could do a better job ourselves. And I did post to OP to say I had missed the fact that she was in the south, where prices are higher.

That’s such a lovely thing for you to do for your mum right till the end and I admire you for doing so.

I have tried and have been helping to care for mum for 8 years but with her unpredictable double incontinence it’s becoming a nightmare if I’m honest. I have health issues myself and just can’t balance my parents needs, my health problems and being a mum and wife all at the same time, something has to give and at 53, I don’t want it to be me. I want a life and to be able to live it.

It really is great if you can care for a parent right to the last moment but sadly we can’t all do that, even with additional help onboard.