40th birthday is this too extravagant?!

[Elsiep2]

My friend is having her 40th birthday soon . It started as a plan to go to a gig in a reasonably close city (for an artist I don’t really like but hey it’s not my birthday). But it’s just getting bigger and bigger, she booked an air bnb for 2 nights and has started suggesting takeaways, booking a restaurant etc. She has suggested we split the cost for a mutual friend who isn’t working right now (I don’t disagree with this one but she’s told me she probably won’t be able to come due to health reasons anyway so it’s annoying to have to pay). But it’s looking like its going to cost at least £500 if I go. I can take the money out of savings for it I don’t really want to, it’s much more extravagant than anyone else’s I’ve been to. The only other person which I know likely isn’t going. I don’t want to let the birthday girl down (only 5 people invited) but I don’t think she’s considered the effects on everyone else. She does have form for this type of thing but also i’ve never directly raised my concerns before. I’m feeling stressed and resentful already. I think I need to explain it’s all too much and we need to think again but I don’t want to upset anyone. I’m also not sure if I’m just being a bit tight and I need to suck it up!

Tell her that's out of your budget. You're looking forward to the gig and up for drinks / food before or after (if you are) but we're planning to travel back after the concert. It's not that it's too extravagant. The issue is you've agreed to some thing and she's turned it into something else.

"Sounds lovely. I won't be able to come to the whole thing but I'll meet you all for dinner before and gig. Looking forward to it."

I don't think a weekend away is unreasonable but its about being upfront be begin with with costs that I think is unreasonable. I get this escalate and you are allowed to re-evaulate saying sorry you can't go now as its gone out your budget.

Has she already booked the Air bnb without asking?

She is BU to just assume people can afford the extra money, and time!

I would also be saying looking forward to the gig but have other plans on the day after

What kind of relationship do you have with her that you've thought you might be 'tight" as it's £500!

Ridiculous amount to expect people to pay.

Hello! I’ll come for the meal out, let me know when and where when you can! See you then!

Just send that.

Did she ask before booking the Airbnb ? If she did and people agreed then I think you need to honour it but otherwise I’d just transport in on the day - baffles me how much self importance people develop around their birthdays and are tone deaf in terms of affordability

It's not that extravagant - IF everyone can afford it and the likely costs were known at the start.

My answer would depend on how much she booked with no consultation. If she suggested an Airbnb and you didn't question the cost/budget at that time, then it's unfair to be complaining after she booked in good faith.

If she suggested it and you said "no" or "not sure I can really afford it" and the next thing you knew it was booked, then that's on her.

Is she unmarried and childless? Is some of it an 'I'm not going to have a wedding/hen do/baby shower, I'd like to do my equivalent'? Which I have some sympathy with, but you can't expect it. See also all the people protesting about hen/wedding costs.

I felt bad suggesting £40 bottomless brunch 😂

YANBU - those sort of birthday plans should be discussed with everyone in the small group (would you like to, would you be prepared to...? etc) not just imposed. Are the others all OK with it, do you know? If not, perhaps one person could address it with birthday girl on the group's behalf, let her know it's not a very realistic plan.
If everyone else is in, I'd tell her sorry I can't afford it (which would be true for me) and maybe ask if I could join for a small part of the time.

That's crazy, I could go on holiday for a week with that amount. I would tell her sorry it's too much for me, I don't understand why you're paying for the person who isn't working either, I wouldn't expect anyone to do that for me if I wasn't working. I think that's awkward.

Say you’re excited for the concert but can’t do anything else as you can’t afford it at the moment. Job done!

One thought - is she married and does she have kids?

I have a few mates where the answers to the above are no and no, and those would be the few friends I'd consider biting my tongue and showing up for a birthday and spending more than I'd like, as they all showed up to my wedding (and mates weddings), bought gifts, showed up to baby showers and christenings... all that adds up to a lot more than £500.

Just a different perspective!

If this isn't her one chance at a big life event and being made a fuss of then I'd definitely say you won't do the Airbnb / dinner / just go to the gig

Why is upsetting someone such a big thing? Why does someone else’s potential discomfort trump yours? That’s the crux of it for me. What will happen if you say no not for me. Will someone be annoyed and is that too scary to contemplate?

Say you would love to come but cannot as the costs are just getting too much.

She needs to know it.

Whoa! My friend (60th) booked an Airbnb (she asked everyone first with a link and the cost). It was for three nights, lovely luxury house with indoor pool and hot tub, we did have to share bedrooms but they were spacious (and I even got one with an en suite). We all brought food ourselves and organised who would cook when. Cost? About £280 each, say another £50 each for food/booze. I did drive with someone, sharing petrol cost. This seemed very reasonable for what we got.
We knew the cost upfront and she would have had no issue if someone said they just couldn’t afford it - I mean she had a pretty good idea how much her friends might be able to spend and she did sound people out first. Plus she smartly asked for the money up front before she booked.
Id just tell your friend that it’s getting far too expensive and is it possible to pare it back otherwise it’s out of reach for you. Yes she may be put out but also it should be a reality check!

I took DP away to a spa hotel for his birthday, had dinner, bed, breakfast and booked us a treatment each for less than £500, so no I wouldn’t be spending that on a friend’s birthday!

I don't think the plan itself is outrageous but I think she should host and I think she needs to map out exactly what the weekend entails before expecting anyone to commit. It's not fair to add onto the plan once people have already committed and it's also not great to ask people to spend money on this. If she wants the airbnb, etc she ought to host and not ask her friends to pay for it.

Can’t imagine and I absolutely won’t spend £500 for someone else’s birthday if they are not my family or siblings! Madness really. It’s just a 40th and today that isn’t even a big milestone.

I actually wouldn't have offered to go to a gig for an artist I don't like.

I did that once many years ago and then the artist was sick and it got cancelled. And I was sooo relieved.

It made me realise never to agree that again! (And that was in my own city!)

You'd have to stand there for hours! With awful music! Omg. No.

She’s married ( and had a hen do and wedding etc) but no plans to have children. I’m married with kids but haven’t had lots of events!

I think she is just much more able to spend time and money on these things and so hasn’t considered that we don’t really.
Yes she booked the air bnb for 2 days without asking. It’s not that expensive tbh it’s just it’s turned it into a two day event without asking me!

People can be as extravagant as they like on their birthday, or any time for that matter, but they shouldn't expect others to pay for it. I was extravagant for my 40th. I hosted a party for 46 people at a lovely venue, I had a weekend away with family and I went up in a hot air balloon - all paid for by me! Your friend doesn't get to be extravagant with other people's money.

2 nights?! 0 chance I'd go tbh