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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To believe the school over my dd?

131 replies

durdledoris · 23/04/2026 16:50

Dd is in year 9 - was always an angel at primary , smashed her sats etc but now in year 9 isn't quite the angel she used to be. Has a lovely friend group but we quite often get emails from school saying she has been sanctioned in class for low level disruption- never goes any further than that and when we speak to her about it, it's always the same "it wasn't my fault" response. Never her fault.
Today she got a detention - apparently a boy behind her kept throwing paper at her so when she did it back, she got in trouble. The email from school said it was because she was disruptive and kept turning around.
We have been talking to her lately about her upcoming GCSE's and we know she will be ditching a few subjects but it's not fair to ruin it for others who want to learn so basically, in those subjects, keep a low profile amd do what you have to do to get through til the end of the,year, which is only a few weeks.
She is crying in her room saying it wasn't her fault today - aibu to keep her phone and tv remote while she has a long hard think about her behaviour?

OP posts:
durdledoris · 23/04/2026 18:17

BitterTits · 23/04/2026 17:50

I'm surprised by the number saying that being punished by school is enough and that parents shouldn't do any more. I think backing the school up shows that you take her behaviour seriously even if she doesn't learn from sanctions at school.

So do l!
I have emailed the school to ask exactly what happens so we can support their decision of issuing a punishment - will see what they say.

OP posts:
durdledoris · 23/04/2026 18:19

Tortephant · 23/04/2026 17:51

"it's always the same "it wasn't my fault" response. Never her fault."

DD has clearly used this on an occasion when something was her fault and you believed her so just uses this as a stock answer to avoid discussing further with you.
You state her response is always the same, so I wound't believe her at all. Have a chat with the school and take time to understand what is actually going on. By accepting her answer even if you do remove her phone, is allowing her to get away with poor behaviour and teaching her that lying is an easy way out.

No it's not an answer that gets her out of trouble - if she ever gets told off, we always say, let me guess - it wasn't your fault? So it absolutely isn't a get out of jail free card and never has been

OP posts:
durdledoris · 23/04/2026 18:24

MyLittleNest · 23/04/2026 17:36

If it was just the situation with the paper, a one-off situation, I would absolutely believe your daughter over the school.

But there is recurring pattern here... Maybe it wasn't her fault today, but it's like the little boy that cried wolf by now.

This is my train of thought too and l have told her this!!

OP posts:
mumuseli · 23/04/2026 18:24

Almost 100% of the time that they're given detention, my DS (and all his friends) claim that it was unfair and they actually did nothing wrong!
I was the same when I was a teen, haha.
I don't think teens are really all being given warnings and sanctions for nothing - perhaps occasionally there's a miscarriage of justice, but I personally feel that most of the time parents just get told a very skewed version from their teens claiming innocence.

Sprungy · 23/04/2026 18:30

It’s reoccurring behaviour and if you are tough at home and ask school to update you in a week or so then she will miraculously find better form. Focus on work qualify and sets and hope the hormones settle quickly.

CaptainMyCaptain · 23/04/2026 18:31

Thatcannotberight · 23/04/2026 17:35

Usually, the teacher has already made up their mind, has only seen what they have seen and isn't interested in any mitigating circumstances.

The boy was also given a detention.

Wingingit73 · 23/04/2026 18:40

You are doing the right thing. In the long run its not a big deal. Its s lesson in life for her.

Hannaseed · 23/04/2026 18:44

Hallamule · 23/04/2026 18:16

Lol does that happen a lot where you work? If I have a problem with a colleague I either discuss it with them at an appropriate time or use the correct channels.

In this case the correct channel was to report it to the teacher.

It doesn't matter if you are 5, 15 or 35 if someone is throwing stuff at you,you are going to turn around to see what's going on.

XelaM · 23/04/2026 18:47

Adults expect kids to put up with all sorts of crap at schools - bullying, assaults, harassment etc etc. Absolutely no adult would accept this at work, so why should children?!?

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 23/04/2026 18:49

XelaM · 23/04/2026 18:47

Adults expect kids to put up with all sorts of crap at schools - bullying, assaults, harassment etc etc. Absolutely no adult would accept this at work, so why should children?!?

Edited

And if a person behaved the way that a lot of children do, they would be sacked

Hannaseed · 23/04/2026 18:53

So are you always going to blame her for things she says are not her fault? Because she 'cried wolf'

Good luck with her telling you anything if ever she needs you to support her and be on her side.

herbalteabag · 23/04/2026 18:54

She got detention and it wasn't the worst thing ever, so I would just forget about it and not take away her phone or anything. Maybe she was telling the truth, maybe her story is one sided, you'll probably never know. I do know that the stories my children told me when anything happened did not quite match the teacher's (they had omitted details to suit themselves!)

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 23/04/2026 18:56

Hannaseed · 23/04/2026 18:53

So are you always going to blame her for things she says are not her fault? Because she 'cried wolf'

Good luck with her telling you anything if ever she needs you to support her and be on her side.

So do you advocate believing everything just in case even though she has lied in the past? Good luck with that

Siarli · 23/04/2026 18:59

As a retired teacher, I would absolutely agree. Its important that your daughter starts to behave responsibly and to grow up. This is the time when GCSE choices are made and students are discovering their strengths. Poor behaviour in class reduces learning time meaning the work is not covered. In some subjects it can mean they don't get sufficient explanation and start to fall behind. You're quite right to speak to your daughter about this low level disruption. She will soon be wanting greater freedoms and you will need to be sure she can use them wisely and make good choices. So support the school, ask that your daughter is placed away from pupils who wind her up or she winds up. Explain to her that she needs to come out of year9 well and start to get her head down and stay out of trouble or further consequences may follow and if she cant behave herself and the emails keep coming you will place restrictions on her to make up the wasted time. That's fair enough.

faithfultoGeorgeMichael · 23/04/2026 19:11

TwinklyRoseTurtle · 23/04/2026 16:51

Listen to your daughter, some of these schools sanctions are rediculous and they honestly punish them for anything. I would commend your daughter for sticking up for herself and give her things back

And here is the reason teachers are leaving in droves and no one wants to work in schools anymore.

BloominNora · 23/04/2026 19:18

Metromayhem · 23/04/2026 18:00

She didn’t have to sit there and take it she could have told the teacher.
i hate people comparing school and teenage situations to adult/work life, it’s ridiculous. Teenagers are children. If Nigel from accounts was throwing bits of paper at you then it’s a completely different fucking issue isn’t it??
No wonder we’ve got a generation of kids who are entitled, rude and think the world owes them a living. We could do with more parents like the OP!

And that's the issue with schools today summed up.

On the one hand, schools are constantly telling kids that they have to behave in x, y, z way because they won't be able to get away with bad behaviour in the 'real world' and that they are preparing them for the world of work.

On the other hand, we don't think kids should be allowed to act in the same way an adult would because 'school is different'

There is absolutely a sense of entitlement among some children and parents these days caused by wider societal issues and changes that have taken place over the past 40 years - the move towards individualism that started in the 1980's has been damaging for everyone.

However, I am sick to death of hearing the argument that schools are somehow the victims of it as if they haven't played their own part in causing the situation.

If you treat children like little automatons and don't account for individuality, if you don't model an environment of mutual respect and expect respect to be automatically given and not earned, if you don't treat teenagers as if they are maturing independent beings, with their own thoughts, feelings and personalities, then of course they are going to push back against it!

My kids have never had any behaviour points or punishments - they have both consistently been in the top earners of positive behaviour points, so I have no skin in the game in terms of defending 'bad' behaviour.

However, I have been in school and seen the way some teachers speak to pupils, and been told about some horrendous teacher behaviour. I've also seen the incredibly positive results that teachers who do model mutual respect and who treat children as individuals get compared to those that don't.

For example, there is one teacher of a core subject in my kids school who has a laugh with his class and just generally treats them like people. He doesn't have a seating plan, he tells them that he doesn't expect them to have to ask permission to take off their blazers or top up their water as long as they do it quietly and don't disrupt the class. He gives out very few negative behaviour points and my kids have never complained about disruption in his class. He gets some of the best results in his subject and he supported my less academic daughter to get her highest GCSE score despite it nominally being her worst subject. He still excitedly asks how she is getting on when we see him around at school, even though she left almost two years ago (and I have also heard him ask, with similar enthusiasm about other former students).

On the other hand, the ultra strict teachers, who insist on seating plans, who expect the children to give automatic respect without bothering to return it, who lack the ability and / or willingness to treat their students like individuals - they are the ones who end up handing out behaviour points like sweets and whose lessons the kids complain are constantly being disrupted by poor behaviour or if they are strict enough to be able to control the behaviour through fear and coercion, still get rubbish results.

Teachers and schools are under the cosh due to years of underfunding, ill-thought out national policy and an un-inclusive curriculum which is better suited to the 1950's, but they really don't make their own lives any easier sometimes, layering shockingly bad national policy with their own terribly thought out ideas!

I was lucky enough to be at school in the 1990's where things were much more relaxed, friendly and naturally inclusive. I never got detention, achieved well, went onto uni and have been incredibly successful in my career.

However, I am fairly certain that if I had had to go through my teenage years in today's school environment, I would almost certainly have had a mental health breakdown and would have probably spent a fair bit of time in detention for speaking my mind!

Happyjoe · 23/04/2026 19:25

Some of these academies are not fit to be called schools imo. Explain to her that she just needs to play the game of shit secondary schools, get through it and she'll be off to college and freedom before she knows it. Head down, grin and bear it but at least she will think her mum is on her side when she is telling the truth and voicing her frustration. The school has done the punishment and unless it keeps happening over and over, leave it there.

Happyjoe · 23/04/2026 19:31

faithfultoGeorgeMichael · 23/04/2026 19:11

And here is the reason teachers are leaving in droves and no one wants to work in schools anymore.

There's plenty of stuff that is out there of children being suspended for wearing the wrong shoes etc. Some of the schools are just ridiculous now on what they pull kids up on.

Here's just one. Stop the children going into their lesson for this? Schools are about education are they not?
www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-leicestershire-49609037

Besafeeatcake · 23/04/2026 19:31

catipuss · 23/04/2026 17:08

Children are messy and if there is lots of homework I would prefer they did that.

Huh? No not all 14 year olds are messy and the two aren’t mutually exclusive. You can do your homework and still have a clean room. It isn’t hard.

ALittleHomesick · 23/04/2026 19:35

Happyjoe · 23/04/2026 19:31

There's plenty of stuff that is out there of children being suspended for wearing the wrong shoes etc. Some of the schools are just ridiculous now on what they pull kids up on.

Here's just one. Stop the children going into their lesson for this? Schools are about education are they not?
www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-leicestershire-49609037

If the parents don’t like the rules then find another school or homeschool if you can’t follow school rules. How hard is it to just buy the shoes that are allowed? When parents buy shoes that aren’t allowed and then moan, they just look like complete dickheads. It’s no wonder their children are dickheads.

CaptainMyCaptain · 23/04/2026 19:43

XelaM · 23/04/2026 18:47

Adults expect kids to put up with all sorts of crap at schools - bullying, assaults, harassment etc etc. Absolutely no adult would accept this at work, so why should children?!?

Edited

The boy got a detention. It was dealt with.

durdledoris · 23/04/2026 19:45

Hannaseed · 23/04/2026 18:53

So are you always going to blame her for things she says are not her fault? Because she 'cried wolf'

Good luck with her telling you anything if ever she needs you to support her and be on her side.

No but l also am not trying to be her friend. I want her to grow up as a decent person. We are close and she tells me all sorts but she also needs to know when she has crossed a boundary which she did today.

OP posts:
CaptainMyCaptain · 23/04/2026 19:45

faithfultoGeorgeMichael · 23/04/2026 19:11

And here is the reason teachers are leaving in droves and no one wants to work in schools anymore.

You can tell who the parents of the disruptive kids are.

NoisyViewer · 23/04/2026 19:59

durdledoris · 23/04/2026 17:12

Love this! Ironically, l work in a school! Have told her she should have told the teacher but she reckons the teacher wouldn't believe her. Hmm. The other boy has a detention too.

it depends what it is if I punish at home. If they haven’t done homework I make them do every last bit of homework set for all lessons even before they’re due before they get their privileges back. That may take an evening or 10 minutes. Either way I’d say this is what happens when you let things get to big or it took you minutes so why cause all this drama. If they get in trouble for a uniform infringement or not having a pen etc I don’t punish them at home but disruptive and disrespect they do get in trouble. I expect the school to teach & keep my kids safe and if my children are struggling I expect the teacher to intervene and help. I have been that parent where I’ve demanded the teacher set extra work and provide tools to help them. I don’t expect them to have to discipline their behaviour that’s my job so they get another punishment at home. Your daughter may have been reacting to this boy but this isn’t a one off. She has form and even if this instance is unfair then you can teach her the consequences of her past behaviour penalising her current

DiamondCity · 23/04/2026 20:03

It’s difficult op, my dd sounds similar, probably a bit worse than yours actually, I’m at my wits end with it, I constantly feel stuck in the middle of her and the school. We get the “it wasn’t my fault” “others were doing the same” kind of stuff too. The way it works at her school is detention emails are automated, with a brief description of the reason e.g talking when told not to, being off task, missing homework etc but no further context so we really only have her side to go on and there always seems to be a reason why it’s not her fault or it’s not fair. We listen to her side, but also tell her every time that it can’t always not be her fault and that we don’t care what other children are doing, it’s not an excuse for her to join in with the disruptive behaviour. We take her devices when she gets in trouble at school in an effort to back them up and reinforce that we don’t condone her behaviour. It just doesn’t seem to be sinking in. I now get anxiety about checking my emails every afternoon and dread seeing yet another detention email. The school have called me multiple times to discuss her behaviour, it’s almost weekly at the moment. It’s disappointing to hear what a shit your kid has been at school, especially as she is mostly fine at home apart from minor normal teenage stuff.

She was also fine in primary but seems to have somewhat gone off the rails at secondary with low level disruption, answering back etc. She’s had isolation multiple times this year which is something I really didn’t expect. I’ve lost count of the amount of detentions she’s had. I feel she tries to show off to her peers and also joins in when they are disruptive to her detriment. I’ve contacted the school many times at this point, not to be confrontational but to get more context so we can work with the school, they are probably fed up with me at this point but more often than not they’ve confirmed that dd has been in the wrong. But there have also been situations where I feel dd has been wrongly punished, and situations where she has responded to someone doing something to her and has been punished but the other child hasn’t. I feel the reason for that is because rightly or wrongly, she now has a reputation. Of course teachers are unlikely to believe her and give her far less grace because of past actions and general attitude.

I have told her this and like you have encouraged her to keep her head down, don’t react to anyone doing anything to her or saying anything, just tell the teacher straight away, go to pastoral and tell them if needed, but nothing seems to be changing. She says going to pastoral does nothing to stop other kids taunting her and apparently teachers don’t listen when she tries to tell them in class, wtf do I do with that? Just the same old same old week in week out.

I worry that all this conflict over school will damage our relationship and she will lose trust in us because it feels like we never believe her fully even if she is being truthful. It’s really affecting me now to be honest and getting me down, I just want it all to stop.