Two colleagues are carrying on and affair and it's really unpleasant for everyone else in the department

[CurdinHenry]

She is needy and irrationally jealous and he (also the head of department) is really making a lot of mad and bad decisions. It has made a nice place pretty unbearably toxic.

I don't care what people do in their private lives (although I'd strongly advise against this particular setup) but they're incapable of keeping it private. Stand up arguments in the office, the lot.

Thinking about raising a grievance against both of them because I miss looking forward to work and I know it's not just me.

Am I being a cow?

Yet another wild thread from you, OP.

Don’t know where OP works but I’ve seen the guys get promotion to move them on and/or the woman get shifted out of area - without promotion.

Sad, but true, but hopefully some places are more forward thinking.

Came to say the same.

Get a group together. It sounds as though it is in the open, so not like you have to let it slip to discuss reporting.

What are their ages?

She knows exactly what he’s capable of and she’s not letting it happen and be made a fool of (like his wife!). I’d say she doesn’t trust him one iota rather than jealousy.

Replace “The quickest way to resolve this” with “The worst possible idea” and you have it bang on.

In the unlikely scenario that the OP has contact details for her head of department’s wife - I can’t even remember my boss’s wife’s name - why is the wife going to believe some woman she doesn’t know from a bar of soap over her own husband? And far more importantly, doing this puts the OP in the wrong, completely undermining any complaint and potentially making her the subject of a counter-complaint. She goes from someone whose working environment is being made difficult to a gossip actively involving herself in the personal lives of her colleagues.

OP - ignore ridiculous suggestions like involving the wife and listen to the sensible advice you’ve been given about sticking to the facts. Your boss’s marriage is none of your business - and more importantly, none of the firm’s either. They don’t care if he cheats on his wife. What counts here is that he is essentially abusing his power over a subordinate (even if she’s the crazy controlling one) and creating an environment where colleagues are afraid to address her behaviour. THAT is the basis of your complaint.

I feel the pain. At my first job in Wetherspoons there were people having a work place affair and they would literally scream at one another across the kitchen. Like please just microwave the curry and argue in your own time. It’s so unprofessional, I would report them but only if I was convinced it would actually do something.

NRTFT, but @CurdinHenry do you know his home address?

If so, get someone else your dh? whose handwritting they won't recognise to send her a card - one of the blank greetings ones in the supermarket.
Make sure it tells her all about their affair - include some dates/locations and "pet" names if pos. All the stuff that mind bleach isn't working on right now.

If nothing else, the poor STB ex W can take him for every penny before the bunny boiler gets it.

I know it's difficult 💐 to be stuck on the sidelines watching this kind of melodrama, but there comes a time where you really do have to blow the bloody doors off just save yourself.

Report it through the whistleblowing process.

The affair i mentioned earlier - with them all being in the same place then came to light - ended up in a punch up in a club and the wife leaving for a rival place - that was unpleasant I think.

I’m not sure re telling the wife but would hate to be the unknowing wife so that is difficult- being totally anonymous also gives him a get out clause. What I think may happen is that the insane affair partner will end up telling her anyway. Certainly mistress where I was didn’t care for ‘discreet’ though as all in same building it was easier to get the info out there.

But definitely approach either the manager’s manager or HR - as a group of possible and as low key but equally as clear as you can get - big flag up for the work disruption though - that will matter to them mostly!

I agree with this. It is very unlikely to last.

Even if only a few weeks, I don't think the OP should have to put up with the behaviour witnessed.

I worked somewhere where an affair was going on, but in no way did it affect the workplace one bit. At least in that case they went on to marry each other.

Formal complaints can create years of drama. I started a job where the aftermath of a complaint was still playing out 10 years on. People don't forgive and forget even if the complaint was completely justified. It isn't worth it for something like this.

The other women in the office are all scared to talk to him alone because she will act as though we are trying to "steal" him (oh God it's so so embarrassing).

I would have to play on this!!

The most attractive woman in there needs to start flirting with him or having private meetings regularly.

She cannot attend these meetings and that would drive her mad.
She’ll then end up doing something like telling the wife.

I would be having so much fun winding her up.
I’d put make up on or fix my hair in front of her before going in to see him and come out grinning.

He’s having to jump at her every whim because he’s senior to her which looks bad and he’s married.
He must be so annoyed with himself for getting involved with such a crazy one - serves him right.

The sensible part of me says to address this in writing with HR and your boss' boss.

The drama loving part of me says to start writing your notes to him on heart shaped post it notes and slowly and seductively eat your morning banana in front of him with lots of intense eye contact.

This really made me giggle 😅.

We had this and it came to light during 180° reporting. She went; he stayed, but got a total bollocking from his Dad (not a family business but also quite like a family business). He's now CEO and hasn't dipped his nib in the office inkpot since as far as I know.
Definitely get everyone to complain to HR or even just to the big boss. It's intolerable otherwise.

Theres no way the senior management dont know about this. Id also suggest noise cancelling headphone 4u.

I searched her previous threads, they seem like perfectly normal ones.

Which one are you referring to @Blimms ?