Two colleagues are carrying on and affair and it's really unpleasant for everyone else in the department

[CurdinHenry]

She is needy and irrationally jealous and he (also the head of department) is really making a lot of mad and bad decisions. It has made a nice place pretty unbearably toxic.

I don't care what people do in their private lives (although I'd strongly advise against this particular setup) but they're incapable of keeping it private. Stand up arguments in the office, the lot.

Thinking about raising a grievance against both of them because I miss looking forward to work and I know it's not just me.

Am I being a cow?

In reality I think I might go with a FGS can you two hear yourselves outburst.

What about going full popcorn bucket/scorched earth and sending anonymous letters to HR, the spouses and the pair of them?

Loads of detail, how it's affecting the work environment etc.

I'm a 'Look after No.1/All Or Nothing kinda gal after what I went though in the 90's at work and again since (got the sack/went to tribunal/got a payout/still lost my job over something that was impacting everyone at work and injuries were getting sustained/someone had to be the adult and report bad stuff sort of situation).

Everyone gets 'mortgage mouth' in these situations but the stress builds over weeks and months and you don't realise you are being personally impacted until you shake constantly and haven't had a decent nights sleep in weeks and once it's sorted, it takes you months to feel well again.

Maybe this isn't as severe as that but you get my drift.

I’d be inclined to agree. Go in and talk to him about something else, and add ‘by the way, you need to sort out your personal life. It is impacting on the entire office.’

Sounds an awful environment to have to work in.

Also, if it's this obvious to everyone, how can he not be worried that his wife isn't going to find out pretty soon?!

A direct report to his direct report. Which as you can imagine is amazing for the middle manager.

The mad thing is they think (genuinely) that they're keeping it secret. I don't understand how they think this. Even visitors pass comment.

I would raise it. However I would stick to the observed facts. "On Wednesday Steve shouted at Sharon in front of us all and Sharon spent the afternoon in tears.." as oppose to referencing that they are having an affair.

Oh, give over 😂.

I wondered how long it would take for the advice to pour in to "tell HR". You need to speak to your manager about making a complaint, it is their job to help resolve your concerns and the impact this is having on you. They may seek some guidance from HR in terms of best approach or understanding any workplace relationship policy.

I agree with this. Unless you've seen them kissing etc. you don't have evidence they are having an affair. Create a log of disruption caused, keep it factual. Be very sure that you have a Plan B if you're the one that gets pushed out.

To be frank, in a company that's allowed this to continue for so long, I would assume that their first instinct will be to protect the manager. So don't assume that a grievance will resolve the situation.

I would tell both of them if they can't keep it out of work you will report they are bing equally unprofessional

No, you're not the cow, they are. Hide your bunny 🐰. That sounds miserable.

Don't complain individually. Team up with your manager and everyone else affected.

Do you have a see it, say it type policy ?

i would send a short bullet pointed email to hr listing any shouting/situations which have happened and include comment from visitors.

Keep it factual and all personal concerns out of it. You will have done your part and because it is in writting they will have to deal with it. Also it covers your arse.

That is the number 1 policy in my company CYA

Report. This happened in my workplace 2 years ago. They were both sacked.

Oh unclench 🙄

SOME people would consider testing this out with a bit of strategically placed and juicy information and see how she acts. But thats the realms of tv drama. In real life, gather proof and information, and collectively go to HR. And as salacious as it all is and I know its human nature, but remember there are people's lives that are going to crash when this comes out.(not the two in the office, thats their own fault, but their partners and families)

It's just vernacular? I could have said pal it would have been more regionally appropriate. I don't love her and she is equally not my pal.

I can’t understand people like this . How utterly selfish not to mention unprofessional. As this is having a direct effect on the department I would report. Why should everyone have to put up with this drama ? It’s a form of bullying if colleagues are afraid to speak with the head of department

Fgs 🙄I'm more in the "You stupid cow" camp.

Oh my god stay out of it as much as you can and keep your head down.

definitely don’t go to HR and say they are having an affair. The only thing you can really do is raise issues with your line manager that are affecting you, eg screaming matches in the office or one of them telling you not to talk to the other. Don’t even MENTION the word affair or that you think they’re sleeping together.

Is there a whistleblowing hotline?

Keep very detailed notes.
Specifically the volatility of the situation, unprofessional nature, visitors commenting.

Lean into it from an angle of feeling "unsafe in your working environment" that the unpredictability of the volatility of their interactions.
That you are now very nervous and stressed about going to work, that you have increasing anxiety connected to your work environment.

Make it a safeguarding issue in the work environment.

Their private lives being played out in the office is making YOUR working environment unsafe.

Keep very detailed notes.
These always add weight to a grievance.

YABU in that you are only "thinking" of raising a grievance and not just doing it.
They are bringing their private lives into work and having stand up arguments in the office, acting out their own little soap opera with you lot as their unwilling audience.
You've said it makes you uncomfortable and not wanting to come to work.
Why haven't you done something before now?

If it's against policy the one who is the boss will be sacked.