Two colleagues are carrying on and affair and it's really unpleasant for everyone else in the department

[CurdinHenry]

She is needy and irrationally jealous and he (also the head of department) is really making a lot of mad and bad decisions. It has made a nice place pretty unbearably toxic.

I don't care what people do in their private lives (although I'd strongly advise against this particular setup) but they're incapable of keeping it private. Stand up arguments in the office, the lot.

Thinking about raising a grievance against both of them because I miss looking forward to work and I know it's not just me.

Am I being a cow?

Where I am from a relationship with someone who reports to you is against policy and a stackable offense. Seen it happen, happened to a family member too.
I'd get rid of him by reporting it.

Wonder if he's deeply regretting his decision to get involved. She sounds scary.

We had this. Shouting at each other in the office, Police having to come
to work due to stuff that had happened between them outside of work, both off sick at the same time coincidentally……
It was funny in the moment but when I look back it would have been horrible
foe their partners at the time.
I believe they are now married and still causing drama.
Maybe it’s the drama they thrive on.

Wow that's ad

Is she married too? Tell their spouses!

Is it a big company? HR, senior management to escalate this to?

Find out the policy about relationships at work. There should be one, HR can direct you if you cant find it.

Then go to you boss's boss, ask for a meeting rather than email if possible but if not send an email . Tell yhem what is happening, point them to the policy and explain the impact of what is happening your team. Focus on how it affects everyone's work. Then leave to to them to deal with for . If nothing happens after a few weeks, maybe approach HR directly for your options

Before doing this, perhaps get together with your other work colleagues to explain what you would like to do and would anyone else be willing to do this along side you or at least support you if they are asked about things in any resulting investigation. You will be taken more seriously if more than one of you complains.

I had this in my previous job. Manager of a different department(who didn’t particularly like me), started an affair with my new manager the day he started. Within a week they were snogging in corridors and shagging in the carpark. Both married with young children. The whole thing was grim. My new manager wasn’t doing any work as all he cared about was the affair. Multiple colleagues complained to HR, but nothing was done. I ended up leaving over it.

That's horrendous. But in honesty, what can HR actually do? Can either of them be moved to another department/building? If not, I'd be tempted to keep quiet and sit back waiting for the inevitable explosion.

An affair as in they both have partners? Or are they just dating each other?

Oh I wouldn't hesitate to report this and if you're close with any of your colleagues I'd encourage them to do the same.

Do you like your manager? Do/did you have a mutually respectful relationship before all of this?

If so I would sit him down and tell him, as a friend; how ridiculous he is being that he is a laughing stock and that he is driving his department into the cliffs. He needs to stop messing about and clear up his mess.

Obviously him actually achieving anything is a long shot, the bunny boiler will probably come out on top.

I think speaking to your manager should be the start if at all possible. Even better if you know his wife and so he has the impression that you possibly might tell her (don't say you will unless 100% prepared to go through with it).

If that is not possible because no chance of a private conversation, then HR as a first step.

So unprofessional.

Do you have an HR department? I would absolutely tell them what is going on. In my workplace relationships between direct managers and reports are not allowed. The business will not look upon it kindly as this type of relationship leaves them open to lawsuits / data protection issues / accusations of unfair practices and discrimination.

Yes it’ll all implode and one or both of them will probably have to leave but when it all shakes down it’ll be a far more pleasant place for you all to work.

It sounds like he has got himself into a controlling relationship/affair. Could you report it to hr but with your concerns for her behaviour towards him. Maybe that way they may act.

If their behaviour is disrupting the workplace it needs to be acted upon.
However, I would be opening the popcorn and enjoying the show 🤣

I’d only report it as a staff group, not individually. I definitely wouldn’t ’have a quiet word’ with either of them.

I have seen this play out a couple of times in my professional life, so speak from experience.

The only workable solutions in my opinion are that staff come together to address the issue… or you start looking for another job. Reporting it individually or talking to either of them about it makes it too personal, and I can almost guarantee it will backfire and cause you more grief.

People always say go to HR, but I've never worked anywhere where that would be the appropriate action, you'd go to either your line manager or his.

I'd take it to them, informally, as a "I'm really worried about the impact this is having on colleagues and the business" issue.

I'd probably also be enjoying the gossip a bit 😆

Hes head of department , how do you think hes going to feel about you if you complain? Do you think hes going to like you and make life easy for you?

Start looking for another job and report to hr

I think it depends very much how big the company is and how it's structured. Often small businesses, don't have an HR department and the senior person is the owner!

If the company is structured in such a way that there is someone senior, beyond the head of department who is involved in the affair or an HR department, then escalate the issue.

Will senior management and/or HR support you? Could there be any fallout regarding your job if either party found out it was you who complained?

Is the head of department also in charge of the person he's having an affair with? In most companies this would be an absolute No. It's a power imbalance, for a start. If this woman is reading her affair partner's confidential emails, then that is likely a reason for her to be dismissed.

Surely it would be a reason for him to be dismissed for sharing them?

Maybe I’m a bolshy cow but no way would a colleague intimidate me into not speaking to my boss about a work issue because of jealousy.

Does no one ever just tell her to wind her neck in and tell him he is being unprofessional and your going to make a complaint unless they sort themselves out. Like say it out loud in front of everyone next time they have a row. Stand up to them!

Hilarious suggestion re sending the DVD!

Call me cynical but are they likely to just deny the extent of the arguments? Are you able to film some of it in a webcam etc purely because she sounds so volatile? It’s harder to ignore by those you report it to and harder to play down. I wouldn’t discuss it with colleagues, it does sound a delicate situation with this woman’s ability to control herself

They both sound awful, but so does your nasty patronising use of the word "love".