Two colleagues are carrying on and affair and it's really unpleasant for everyone else in the department

[CurdinHenry]

She is needy and irrationally jealous and he (also the head of department) is really making a lot of mad and bad decisions. It has made a nice place pretty unbearably toxic.

I don't care what people do in their private lives (although I'd strongly advise against this particular setup) but they're incapable of keeping it private. Stand up arguments in the office, the lot.

Thinking about raising a grievance against both of them because I miss looking forward to work and I know it's not just me.

Am I being a cow?

Or drop her a hint that he’s getting quite close either to someone in hr or someone who manages him……and watch the problem solve itself……

Definitely report it, but keep it professionally neutral reporting the behaviours but not the affair. Anyone with a brain would read between the lines, report her behaviour which happens when a female member of staff speaks to him and how that impacts on peoples roles and ability to do their job, the toxic atmosphere, how there have been questionable decisions made by your head of dept such as x, y, z etc.

and then check their dairies to see when hr have meeting with them, hopefully in a room with glass doors and work out a place where you can hover and hear but not be seen x

Because she is scary, the whole thing is deeply embarrassing (I don't think I ever saw anything this cringy even in my hotel waitress days as a teen), I feel bad for his wife and before all this I quite liked and respected him.

For a bit I thought well everyone is human maybe they're going through a hard time and will get a grip but the grip has not been got.

🤣

"It's so nice that he and Sarah are getting along so well she's been SUCH a support to him"

Definitely do not approach either of them. That would be a very bad idea which could rebound on you. Keep it formal and official by speaking to HR or overall boss. Make sure that it’s not the affair that you focus on but the behaviour that affects the ability of other employees to do their jobs effectively and in a non toxic environment. Go armed with approximate dates and incidences of such behaviour.

Is this a small or big firm? Do you have a code of conduct? If it’s explicitly against company code report to HR immediately

Go to HR. Try to keep it factual. You don't want a witch hunt but several people reporting might add weight, particularly the person between them in the chain of command.

How do they think they're keeping it secret if she acts like a bunny boiler when he engages with other colleagues??

How embarrassing for them. YANBU. I would have a word with HR.

They are shockingly unprofessional and should be ashamed. I feel for the woman actually, she is obviously going through emotional turmoil, affairs can do that to people but goodness, have a bit of shame.
If so many people are aware of the affair i’m sure it will come out sooner or later.

Yes, fuck the poor wife’s inevitable heartbreak, let’s all get the popcorn out and watch with glee whilst her life implodes 😳

HR probably already know about it. I had something similar at work very many years ago. It was the talk of a big firm. I was warned to stay clear of it by my manager a couple of days after joining. I’d leave it be, they will burn themselves out.

That’s going to happen anyway! OP may as well watch it unfold rather than be involved with it unfolding.

I've been in almost exactly this situation, that went on for about 4 or 5 years and also included the very bitter and expensive divorce of the person in the more powerful employment position in the background. The workplace jealousy and the volatility were features of those years too.

One colleague did raise a grievance, not just on the grounds of the relationship. In reality, everybody there got some dents and bruises from that, it was really unpleasant for everyone but especially the 3 main people at the centre of the grievance. The person who raised it also lost their job, as well as the person who, in their eyes, was the villain in the tale. The major changes and factions sped up heavy-touch restructuring from above beautifully, too. Having seen how this went, I would think more than twice if there was a case that may have meant raising a grievance again.

You may have more success with a small group, a party line on the effect on the work, and a quiet word, not gathering armour and popcorn.

Yeah, you are right OP.
Raise a grievance, it would be better if your colleagues will do the same as the situation you are all working in is becoming draining.

the quickest way to resolve this is to just tell the wife.

The right thing to do is report it through the correct channels. However, not all companies follow the right procedure and you may loose your job if this head of department dude is tighter with the company than you.

Personally I would not speak to or email him. Never write anything down that could be used against you.

I would either let HR know anonymously or I woud tip off the wife and let them deal with it.

As much as we like to put faith in the companies we work for - they don't always do the right thing (probably because they are usually run by men).

@CurdinHenry

This is obviously unacceptable behaviour and needs to stop. I'm not an HR person but was a TU rep for many years.
I think the correct way to go about this is via HR.
The affair in itself is none of your business, but disruptive behaviour in the office is. Raising a grievance puts you in the middle, where you shouldn't and really don't need to be, and puts responsibility on you. Far better a complaint to HR, preferably co signed by other staff.

focus on but the behaviour that affects the ability of other employees to do their jobs effectively and in a non toxic environment.

And also mention damage to the company's reputation. If visitors are noticing and commenting, they will go away and talk about it.

HR person here, use your whistleblowing process to report what you have seen anonymously. Don’t talk about the affair, put it in work terms e.g. there was a verbal disagreement in the office which was disruptive. The employee said that no one was allowed to speak to manager directly without her permission.

You are not being a cow or unreasonable. Report the wandering penis and his illicit partner pronto.

Had this in one place - guy, wife, mistress altogether in same building! Got a bit mental outside work and just ended up with guy and now girlfriend (ex mistress) left there.

She used to come to our floor and crawl all over him is the only term - he was the most senior there - I can’t believe they thought no one noticed! Outside work if a female speaks to him she still attaches herself very firmly to as much of his body as possible- doesn’t matter who either, I wanted to say ‘love, I’m 25 years older with anyhow zilch attraction to the ‘I’m attractive’ guy ha - I didn’t as no one ever does really do they, but smirked internally ha.

I think it’s when you’re now the girlfriend then there is an actual vacancy for your old position- whilst you’re the mistress, as in OP’s office, there must be some thought there could be others I guess.

It wasn’t as detrimental to our office though as yours sounds tbf - but I think something was raised as she stopped arriving for kisses and giggles lol. She did however get promoted very quickly up the ranks - sigh.

Oh it's awful, the limpet thing. Was telling dh about an incident yesterday and he said well it's sort of a compliment that she's so jealous? but it's not she's just insane.

Lol - I totally agree. I didn’t feel complimented by it one bit - nor did others I know!

I mean No chance on this earth of me/her fella being remotely attracted at all - we always spoke briefly though as he’s quite a sociable guy and was my manager for a while.

She’d also hunt him down if he was on a work night out without her and keep ordering him a taxi lol - though a friend ended up being quizzed one following day, as she had messaged him on the night to say ‘hey where are all you lot, we’ve lost you’ - guess it was anxiety inducing for the ex mistress - can’t be fun constantly worrying about your Adonis fella!

Are you going to report? I do think something was done at our place, though not by me and I don’t know precisely what - but we were saved from teatime extreme PDAs at least!

HR will advise the manager to whom the OP submits the grievance on the correct way to handle it to protect the company from falling foul of employment law.
The manager should then investigate the behaviour being complained about, take statements from OP, witnesses and invite the colleagues to an investigation meeting. A decision will then be made as to whether there are grounds for formal disciplinary action against anyone or whether it can be dealt with informally.
If the OP sticks to factual complaints about behaviour rather than muddying the waters by talking about affairs (hearsay that could lead to a grievance against her) and there are witnesses, it's likely at the very least the two should be instructed to moderate their behaviour in the office.

That is the gist. It can take a while. People are likely to be pulled into it even if they think they have nothing to add to the witness statements.
Yes, HR can recommend that they are kept apart - which may result in (manager) disappearing, either expectedly or as a surprise.
If you think it's uncomfortable now, this period may be...something else.