AIBU to tell his wife after discovering he lied about being divorced?

[Milksteak82]

I've found out that a man I’d been seeing is actually married. He told me a very detailed story about being divorced, shared custody, ex-wife remarried etc which now appears to have been completely fabricated. He also said he was too busy for a relationship (same here) and that he’d recently come out of a long-term FWB situation.
Based on that, I opened up about my own divorce and we met a few times (coffee, hotels and at my house). I feel really guilty writing this, I saw him at mine just last week.
I only found his Facebook because he popped up in a shared hobby group I’m in. His profile is otherwise very locked down, but his profile/cover photos show what looks like a very happy, definitely not divorced couple.
I sent him a screenshot and told him to delete my number. He knows where I live, which is also making me pause.
I’ve blocked him but I’ve found his wife on Facebook.
It seems obvious to me that she should know. My own marriage ended due to my ex's constant cheating and I’m still picking up the pieces emotionally. But I also live alone with my children and he knows where I live, which makes me hesitate.
I feel strongly she should know, especially given the level of deception and the fact this doesn’t seem like a one-off.
If you were in her position, would you want to know? I've got screenshots, dates, etc. Is it better to say something or just walk away and leave it?

I would 100% want to know.

You have done nothing to feel guilty over though. Remember that x

You didn't betray anyone, you acted in good conscience. I would want to know if I were her.

Thank you. I was violently sick at work when I found out. It's a level of dishonesty I can't get my head around. I let him in my home 🤮

Just leave it. You sound anxious about irritating him as you live alone with your DC, so I don't think it's worth the anxiety it may cause you

Leave it. Walk away. Protect yourself. Be glad you found out early.

Surely though he's going to be on pins as to whether you're going to tell his wife or not anyway? So you stand as much chance of him turning up if you don't tell as if you do, so might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb.

Just leave it now and be more sceptical next time

I'd tell on the basis I would want to know.

You are also innocent in this and have evidence.

There's no easy way to say it but I'd tell her you just found out as he lied and that having been cheated in before you would want to know. Provide enough evidence to prove it and tell her you won't contact her again unless she wants more details.

I've been on edge thinking this. I obviously don't know him at all, and its deeply manipulative behaviour to lie to this extent in order to gain someone's trust. I've told him how I don't trust people and he made a big thing of how he would always be honest with me. Despite it being casual we spoke or messaged most days for over 6 months.
I keep remembering things he said and did which are utterly bizarre now I know he is married. For example the holiday pics he sent of him and his son, which I now know must have been with his wife, did she take the pics?!
So yes,I have no idea how he could react and he has everything to lose. All I have for my children is our safety and stability though, I can't risk that.

Loads of people I know have gone from very regular FB uses to barely bother with it at all, and have some very old profile pictures, so it could just be that he doesn't use it and hasn't changed the picture.

Either way I'd leave well alone.

I wouldn't tell if he knows where you live with your kids. Your kids are more important.

I'm fairly certain this has destroyed any capacity I have for trusting any man at all.

Has he responded to your message? Are you sure it's what you think it is?

It says when he updated his cover pic and its after we started talking. He sent me a pic of himself in the outfit he is wearing. There's no doubt its recent.

When I sent the screenshot of his profile to him I told him to delete my number. He replied to say 'I have been divorced, that isn't a lie. I'd like to chat about this if that's ok'. I said I wouldn't believe anything he said and blocked him. Not one word of sorry.

Guy from work I was seeing still has a photo of him and his ex / child on his FB and his bio describes him as a husband. They’ve been split for 9yrs. I know that for a fact before anyone suggests its not true. He just doesn’t use FB anymore. Not suggesting this is situation here, but a few pics doesn’t tell the while story.

His wife's profile pic is also of both of them. There's really no other explanation.

@Milksteak82 you must be so angry having been lied to and I can understand you wanting to tell his wife however, as you don’t really know him you’re right to be careful about potentially bringing trouble to your door especially with DCs living there.

You have to put the DCs first rather than your anger and what his wife should or shouldn’t know, so I would advise not telling his wife and quietly moving on.

The thing is you dont actually know the truth just what you think you know from bits you have put together, 1 + 1 can equal 11 if you have in your head whatever you think

People are not always what they say are this is no surpirse

Other people have given you explanations. Don't go looking for drama.

I know people are saying the photos could be years old, but there are usually dates underneath the photos if his profile is open enough that you can click on it to see. If the photos are fairly recent, then obviously it’s not a case of him not using Facebook anymore, and if he looks the same age as he does now then that’s another indicator.

If he has just come out of a long term FWB type arrangement, there is a possibility the photos are of her and they were just not officially committed but even if that were the case, I’d be put off that he has seemingly jumped from one relationship (of sorts) where they were clearly quite close, to another very quickly.

Because he said I have been divorced when you screenshotted it instead of I am divorced, it does seem like she’s just his most recent wife, and I’d definitely tell her that he told you he was single and you’ve been seeing him.

I’d have to confirm who she was first though and just say ‘Hi, do you know John Smith?’ and she’ll likely say if he’s her husband or not before you go telling her he’s a cheating bastard 😂

I think agonising over this is keeping him in your head for longer. The people you are responsible for are your kids and you. Leave them both to it and walk away for your own peace.

Also don’t feel guilty!

I’d tell her in a heartbeat. There’s no way I’d protect a lying cheating scumbag, and in her shoes I’d want to know. I was in her shoes and I wish someone had told me. I certainly wouldn’t have made the same decisions had I known (giving up a really good job I loved to move across the country with him and getting pregnant).

If you’re nervous about telling his wife do it anonymously whether that means making a burner social media profile or writing an anonymous letter. If you’re doing it online include some screenshots of messages or photos with your face blocked out, so he can’t deny it. Don’t tell him you’re telling her either, let him panic when she confronts him.

If someone came to me in real life to me with this I would ask them do they need to feel important and / or are looking for thanks or do they have so little going on they are looking for drama?