AIBU to think my mum is in the wrong for this?

[Quirkypenguin]

When it comes to my child I feel my mum is taking over, she frequently does things without asking me and today she has done multiple things that I do not agree with while I have been present.

If I dare to bring this up with her I will get sulking or an argument in return- she gave her bonjela without asking me after I’d said earlier in the day I didn’t think they needed it, I had to ask her if she had given her it as I saw it on the side. While my child was eating tea she started saying the broccoli was too big (it had been steamed to practically mush) and that my child would choke, I was watching them closely while eating and they have teeth- my mum proceeded to put her fingers in my child’s mouth and get out the broccoli. She then sarcastically said ‘that’s how you do that’.

I have stated on multiple occasions there is no need to sterilise my child’s things anymore as they are old enough now to not need it- she sterilises it anyway, I was told that it helps build up there immune system to not sterilise? Or is that not true?

Anything I say I feel is ignored or I’m wrong. I am a first time mum but I feel any opinion I voice is just stamped out, I’ve never posted on here before but I feel so frustrated with the situation now and just need some advice on what I can do?

We had an argument a couple of days ago my mum then said I’m hormonal (I get really bad PMS symptoms) and that’s why I am having a go at her which completely undermines anything I say then as she makes jokes about my ‘moods’

If she has strongly narcissistic traits, anything you do to try to introduce boundaries may enrage her and make her feel threatened. As you've already experienced, she is likely to see herself as a victim and you will lose other relationships as she encourages other people to see you as an aggressor. Occasionally people like this do come to understand they just can't be like that and stop trying, perhaps privately accepting that you're a control freak etc. But I wouldn't hold your breath. It's far more likely that they will continue to present you as someone who is being hurtful towards them, perhaps because they don't really understand what you're saying in any other terms. You'll be familiar with the grey rock idea where you reduce contact give them nothing to work with and don't feed the drama by remaining neutral. Be totally firm with others that you have nothing against your mum and won't be discussing your relationship with her under any conditions. But I think protecting your peace probably looks like accepting this situation is unlikely to change very much - you can be firm but you can't force her to be different. She may withdraw, taking others with her. You may decide that's a price worth paying.

Think about what your boundaries are and put them in place. Do it for your child and partner. If you let her she'll destroy the relationship you have with them both. Use the phrases you have thought of again and again. Eg 'ok but I'm doing this' 'oh ok then' 'thats up to you' 'as her mum I've decided to do it this way". Block the people she gets to text you. Expect lots of drama but just don't engage in the drama.

@Quirkypenguin The hardest battle you will have is with yourself.

You have been brought up to be a certain way around her, and now feel massive amounts of guilt if you dare to step out of line or stand up to her.

So before you can set proper boundaries with her and stick to them, you need to do a lot of work on yourself.
I suggest finding the money to go and see a counsellor, and don't tell her.

Try to remember OP that there will be no convincing your DM to be reasonable. Having a normal conversation with her about your feelings is impossible. So don't go there.
All you can do is tell her what you expect( your boundary). ex. Don't go in my bedroom. Don't do housework without asking. Do not enter my home when I am not there. etc. That is all. Don't discuss! She will only try to turn the problem back on you. Read up on DARVO. Say as little as possible and/ or keep repeating the same message.

This will take time to learn , but you will gradually see it is the only way to handle this kind of completely selfish person.

Good luck.

I agree with the rest sadly. Your mum is a weapon. There is nothing you can do to change her. The only thing you have in your power is how you respond to her.

You have been offered some extremely good advice on this thread. Polite stock phrases that leave no room for her to manoeuvre. She will attempt to villify you for saying them but so long as you keep it firm and calm, she can't rightly accuse you of any tangible wrongdoing.

The hardest part will be the uncertainty, anxiety and guilt you feel over doing it. You have been conditioned to accept her intrusion on your independent adult life for years. It's going to be a hard habit to break.

I feel really sorry for your husband having to tolerate such an overbearing and malevolent mother in law. Her behaviour is dreadful.

I know this thread is probably going to make you feel sad and possibly even shocked. I'm sorry about that.

I think that's a given. I'm not a clinician but I know people can have identifiable narcissistic traits. Some of them are foul.

She doesn’t seem bothered about offending YOU???

Did you sign the car over to your sister? I'd take the car back tbh - she hasn't paid for it and has no right to keep it.

Perhaps it would be easier until you learn how, to let your husband be a barrier between you and her. He would have every right to speak to her directly himself about the bedroom and how she behaves with the baby. I definitely agree that you need to learn to manage her, but there's no harm in having some help.

Honestly, just block your mum and all her flying monkeys who send you abusive messages at her bidding.

She is trying to turn you against your partner because she is jealous and she needs to be the centre of attention all the time.

Her treatment of you when you push back a bit or she doesn't get her own way is abusive and incredibly spiteful and mean.

You, your partner and your baby are a family now and you mum is trying to break it up. When she comes over uninvited and lets herself in and starts cleaning, she isn't trying to be helpful. It's all a big power play so that she can keep controlling you and driving a wedge between you and your partner.

Your life will be so peaceful without her constant presence in your home.

Problem is, until you assert yourself as an adult and a mother, this is just going to get worse. It needs nipping in the bud now before your child gets older.

Change the locks, tell her a key snapped in the lock or something and don't give her another one. Or add an additional lock. At the very least install lockable door knobs on your internal doors. Just to dip your toe into what'll feel very strange.

I think I'd probably move a bit further away from her tbh. A bit of distance will help you build up your shield.

It's hard to come out of the FOG but it gets easier to stand up to these mothers.

If she deploys the flying monkeys. Block them until they behave.

So sorry but your mum sounds awful.

For your own wellbeing, your child and the relationship with your partner I would be weaning myself off her.

First step, chance the locks.
Give yourself a break, be unavailable for a while.
Then just see her now and then, keep it short and somewhere neutral.

It's hard but you'll feel so much better when you take control.

I think you could be right here, I always feel bad for speaking up for myself in any situation or saying no not just to my mother but in most situations in life.

Unfortunately (very stupidly) I did sign the car over they sent me £90 the first month and that’s the only payment I’ve had for it.

My partner tries not to get involved as it never ends well when he does from my mothers side of things

Honestly thank you for this, I have been feeling so guilty for even writing this thread even though everything I’ve said is the truth.

My partner and I have nearly broken up multiple times due to issues with my mother and at this point I can’t say I blame him, it has got to the point I’ve got to do something about it for the sake of my relationship and my own wellbeing as she makes me feel I am a crazy. The latest one was I am been fed poison by my partner and that I do not love her I hate her for bringing up people in the family owing me money.

OP you’ve got dozens of people on this thread confirming that your mother, and NOT your partner, is the problem. Do you want to risk your marriage to keep your mother happy? Do you want your child growing up with separated parents, moving between two houses, just to keep your mother happy? If this were a thread where a woman posted that her MIL was doing all the things your DM is doing, the woman would advised to give the DH an ultimatum and say that if he didn’t change the locks and put boundaries in place with the MIL, the marriage would be over.

You could take her to the small claims court, if you felt up to it.

I know I completely agree with them as well, unfortunately as others have said I’ve been brought up this way and it’s taken me a long time to see this dynamic is not normal with my parent

They keep promising the money and then it never gets sent, they said they’d set up a monthly payment but that hasn’t happened either.

Will you get the money if your partner gets involved? If so, let him get involved.

Block your mother and ignore her. She is using you as an emotional punching bag. Try a month of no contact and see how much better your life is without her.

There has to come a time in an adults life they have to start looking objectively at situations

Very similar used to happen to me and after a long discussion with my husband (which I think you should do to let him know you’ve finally seen the light and are on his side), realised I’m a mum and things had to change and some very god therapy; I learnt how to put boundaries in place.
Not going to lie it was hard and I continually have guilt (although therapy and podcasts help with that). There was definitely a shift in our relationship (this was both mum and mil) and we’re not as close but it closer carry on.
You are perfectly entitled to change your personality as you get older, especially after becoming a mum. You don’t have to be the girl you once were being walked over. Or feeling bad.
Figure out what your boundaries are and set them (I actually found setting them mid argument was helpful as long as I stayed relatively calm).
For example mine were not his turning up at my house at 6.30 after I’ve been at work and am bathing the baby and about to put her to bed while she wants to chat and drink wine. Or for MIL to stop complaining about money every time we saw her and making me feel guilty even though she had loads.
You can and do deserve to do this. You might need to get the support from your husband and start with small boundaries first to get used to it. Worst case scenario is they stop talking to you. Which for some is best case scenario.

You must set some strong boundaries. She is trying to control your life!
you must limit contact with her and make it on your terms.
easier said than done if you’ve never learned to stand up for yourself.
get some counselling if you can or find an assertiveness course.
but try to get into your adult place and express yourself to her.
she won’t like it. But that’s tough.

You can actually phase out sterilising most things except bottles much earlier. At 12 months you can absolutely stope sterilising bottles as well.

“My mum then says my partner is controlling and trying to cause a wedge between us.”
”My partner and I have nearly broken up multiple times due to issues with my mother and at this point I can’t say I blame him”

OP, your DC deserves a father, and you can’t let your overbearing, controlling mother come between you and DH. It sounds to me that your DM hasn’t got enough going in in her own life so she’s taking over yours. As for the car and the fact that your DM is paying your sister’s telephone contract - tell her she should be giving the money to you to pay for the car. I might also be asking my sister why she thinks it’s reasonable to accept fifty quid a month from your DM while not paying her debts.
But as so many PPs have said, you need to put a bit of distance between you and DM. Your family is now your DH and DC - yes, your DM is always your mother, but you have to put your husband and child first. Of course, if she’s honest, DM knows this and doesn’t like it, which is why she’s making you feel guilty and trying to manipulate you. I understand that it’s not easy, but you really do have to stand up for yourself and stop taking any more abuse from your DM and sister. Step one is to change the locks - less confrontational than asking for your keys back - and then cutting down the amount of contact time. You really don’t have to live in your mother’s pocket, and nor are you responsible for filling up her spare time and letting her try her best to run your life and come between you and DH.